~This Light, Then [revised]

An account of feelings I should have had for someone I now care for.

                         

[NB: originally penned in August 2006, edited in 2007, revised in 2008]

Every time I am here,
I find myself thinking of you:
Four years ago last summer, you were here with me
although I was not the reason you were there.

I was naïve, young and ultimately blind:
I hate myself, can't forgive myself -
You should have been crossing my mind
every five seconds.

A year or two ago I realised what a gentleman you were:
Through the once-opaque looking glass,
I identified you to be sweet, kind and approachable through the clearest of binoculars...
Lowering the zoom, I kicked myself for my ignorance.

Come the lazy summer days in the French paradise:
whenever I lie on the lounger by the pool, the sun beating down on my body,
I think up a scene where it only hurts when I'm breathing...
Yet it's so easy to think of you and I dive swiftly into the pool of dreams
where you and I are united in a frenzy of bubbles, smiles and oxygen exchange.

From fantasy to reality...

I wonder where you are now,
And I hope to see you again.
I last saw you on New Years morning, 2005.
I didn't get to talk to you much;
you had to catch up with the brother...
Although you were the one who invited me.

You will always have a place in my heart,
Because of who you are and what you are:
Gentleman, globe-trotter, good man;
lovely personality, charming person - someone special.

All I want to do is hug and kiss you,
Because four years ago and since
I did not have the chance.
I do wonder what it would've been like to see you in this light, then.

Fingers crossed I see you soon.

Reviews

[R J Askew]

I liked this very much Ali, because of its sustained intensity, which has clearly been a feature of your life for some time. there is a lot of real feeling and passion in this. it is not just a conceit dreamed up in an hour. I like the idea of him crossing your mind every five seconds in lines 7 and 8. That is how love take root right? But is the wording of line 7 right? 'You should have been you'...puzzles me slightly. Nice image from reality, French paradise, sun beating down, lying there...... can see that. And then off into your inner world. It is like conditions in the real world have to be right for you to enjoy the inner. Like '...dive swiftly into the pool of dreams...bubbles...oxygen exchange'. This is also a strong image. I really like the 'clearest of binoculars' and 'lowering the zoom'. Really liked that very much, it felt like you were focusing your attention or emotion. And then there is another step change from fantasy back to reality and the yearning, wistful, reflectiveness and the cherishing of the feelings you have for Mister Man, come what may.