Freak Visit

( Humpy and Sexty enter. These are their professional names, perhaps. Perhaps not. It’s irrelevant anyway. They are two flamboyant, strange, odd, creepy prostitutes who don’t care what anyone thinks of them which may or may not be made apparent. We’ll see or we won’t see- again, it hardly matters. They are just coming back from wherever to the apartment they share. They’ll talk about everything. From their asses to their tricks, to who is naughty, who is nice, to blah blah blah, naturally. Let’s get this s**t started, m***********s.)


Humpy: Well, girl. What the f**k? I repeat, what the f**k? What the f**k? What the f**k?

Sexty: Well, what the f**k what?

Humpty: Oh, b***h, please, you know exactly what the f**k, f**k, I’m, talking about. So get that ratty little face of yours out of your adorable little a*s and come over here now, w***e.

Sexty: Hey I ain’t no w***e. I am a natural, professional, well-respected Prostitute.

Humpty: Oh shut your a*s, b***h. You ain’t nothing but a little, scrawny, well let’s face it you ain’t so scrawny

Sexty: What are you saying, girl, that I’m not anorexic

Humpty: That’s exactly what I’m saying and you know that f*****g well

Sexty: Well I have to say that I am not at all offended but I am pissed off about something else

Hmpty: Well maybe later we’ll discuss it

Sexty: No I wanna discuss it right now

Humpty: Well first I need to tell you all about what the f**k

Sexty: Well then hurry up and tell me already

Humpty: Maybe I won’t now

Sexty: Don’t tease me like that, baby

Humpty: Oh now I’m your baby, huh? Well then maybe I will tell ya. You know? Maybe. Hmm. Oh, what the Hell? So I had this john today, right? We went over to his flat which turned out to be a box. A homeless bum. He’s getting money from welfare or social security or he robbed a bank, who the f**k knows. Anyway, so I’m laying my a*s down there on the pavement, right? And suddenly some rat starts nibbling on my a*s./ I kid you not, girly, this was really happening, well I got out of their s****y quickj, you know, but this f*****g loon chased me down the goddamn… you ain’t gonna get offended if I take that prick’s name in vain, right?

Sexty: I don’t give a f**k. You know that.

Humpty: Good, baby, cause it’s gonna keep coming anyway as most things with us come. Hahaha. So nasty, aren’t I?

Sexty: Nah you’re just a f*****g loon to.

Humpty: Ahhh shut the f**k up, b***h. So, anyway, he’s chasing me down, but you know I’ve been husting this beautiful a*s of mine off for years so it was no sweat, but suddenly he’s cvalling out to one of his friends, I guess the f*****g pathetic even have friends now, well anyway I was thinking, no s**t, I’ll still be good. I can outrun any sick f**k that wants my a*s. Well, this sick f**k turned out to be a woman, right? Some little, cute, hot a*s b***h, and I’m not gonna lie when I saw her coming I just stopped and I wanted to f**k her hard. I don’t know how to describe he. Mmmm I don’t really know who any of the men find hot these days because I don’t listen to s**t they hafta say, but anyway, so io just stop and she comes right up and says, “I ain’t gonna let him f**k you. Not now. I wanna f**k you, so if you agree let’s go f**k. F**k we’ll do it right here, if we hafta because you are too much, b***h” Well I am flatteredf, but you kno0w you’re the hottest b***h I’ve ever known and I’ve never even kissed you, so I had to say “Listen you’re hot as s**t, but nah, I’m gonna have to pass” The dejection in her face was almost too much, but what can ya do? That would have been the best a*s I’ve ever had, unless, of course I could get yours,. But what can ya do, right?

Sexty: That’s a shame, sweetie. Maybe next time. You’re pretty sexy yourself, baby, I  wish I didn’t love and worship the c**k so much or I’d give you some. What happened to the f*****g loon anyway?

Humpty: Don’t really know. Maybe he fucked that rat. They looked like twins. What we doing tonight?

Sexty: what the f**k is on tv?

Humpty: I don’t f*****g know. Walk your a*s over there and find out. Turn it on, sweetie.

Sexty: No gentlemen callers, huh?

Humpty: pfftt f**k it, b***h. Ain’t gonna happen. Johnny and vinnie got the s**t kicked out of them last night. We’ll never see ‘em again.

Sexty: We need to call Mark.

Humpty: No.

Sexty: You know what? You’re pissing me off and I want to kick your a*s. We’re gonna wrestle right here, right now. Let’s go.

Humpty: Hmm, I don’t know baby. (Holds her off) I kinda want to kick your smelly a*s all over the place, but hmmm… I just don’t know. We need mud and we don’t have any mud yet,

Sexty: Let’s go outside then, silly.

Humpty: I don’t know, girl. I just don’t know. I don’t….. I do want to wrestle you though. Look at you…. Yummy in my tummy. Mmmmm, that’s right, girl.

Sexty: Right back at you.

Humpty: (Snapping out of it) What the f**k are we doing

Sexty: We could be lesbians

Humpty: No we both worship the coc. Don’t be silly, baby. We need to get back to business. Now. Right now.

Sexty: We’re off the clock, dumbass

Humpty: Does someone need a spanking

Sexty: o0ooohhhh you’re threatening me I can spank you harder than I can spank you

Humpty: Oh well we’ll see won’t we

Sexty: F**k the mud I’m gonna kick your a*s right now.

Humpty: Okay let’s go.

(They gear up for the match of the century without the mud. For anyone who is turned on by mud, bummer, right? I don’t know. It doesn’t do jack s**t for me. What the f**k am I writing anyway? I digress. So, they size each other up. Ad lib some trash talk about who has the better a*s, breasts, and whatever else prostitutes trash talk about. And then they lunge at each other…. And then….. The doorbell rings.

In unison: Oh f**k. Who the f**k is it!

Brady: Hello, little girls, it’s me!

Unison: Who the f**k is me, b***h?!

Brady: Well you’ll find out won’t you?

Humpty: How about you tell us a little bit more, big boy? Two little girls can’t be too careful now, can they?

Brady: Mmmm…. Well just open up and you’ll see the sort of man that you only see in the movies and I will make you wet

Sexty: Ooohhh what a line. But how do we know you won’t kill us or rape us or do whatever sickos do to poor little innocent b*****s like ourselves? Hmmm

Brady: Well….. Just trust me. Let whatever is going to happen happen.

Sexty: One moment!

(Sexty runs over to the other side of the room.)

Sexty: Get your a*s over here, Humpty!

Humpty: How about you gets yours over here!

Sexty: Oh for f**k’s sake we’ll meet in the middle.

(They run toeach other, run into each other and fall down.)

Sexty: You f*****g b***h

Humpty: It was your fault, s**t

Sexty: Shut up. Now let’s whisper. What are we gonna do? This guy is so f*****g creepy, who knows what he wants, who he is, or what he’s gonna do to us. He probably wants sex but he might want to talk, or he might kill us, rape us, torrutr us, whatever. You never know, but maybe not. Now do we want to watch tv, wrestle, or talk to this creepy, desperate, lonely sick f**k out there?   

Humpty: Well I really want to beat your cute little a*s…. But I guess…… we could talk to him, why not? We might as well. We’ll wrestle later

Brady: I’m waiting, cutie pies!

Sexty: Are you sure? But why the f**k are we talking to him? Why do we want to?

Humpty: Oh I’m sure he’s harmless. He’s a f*****g lsoer,  but he’s harmless

Sexty: Oh do you have a degree in psychology or something now, sweetheart?

Humpty: Just trust me

Sexty: Didn’t you say that to me when you made me pick out that yellow thong

Humpty: How did you not know I was joking?

Sexty Ok f**k it! Okay let’s let him in. Take the baseball bat with you, just in case.

Humpty: You let him in

Sexty: No you

Humpty: Oh now I’m for sure kicking your…

Sexty: Fine we’ll do it together, b***h. F*****g Christ and Buddha and….. You know that other prick

(They slowly go over to the door to let in, Brady, oh you’ll be thrilled by how much of a f*****g creep he turns out to be. Or maybe he won’t be. Oh, don’t worry, he will be. )

Sexty: So before we let you in, what exactly do you want?

Brady: Oh you know… to do what it is people our age do

Humpty: What’s your age, stud?

Brady: 40 or so, give or take, maybe, perhaps, heehawed but maybe older or younger too you sillies won’t know until you open the door, hehehehehe.

Humpty: What the f**k is wrong with you

Brady: Oh it’s a most sad story. Do you want to hear it

Sexty; not unless you’re paying.

Brady; let me in and I’;ll pay

Humpty; slide the money in under the door.

Brady; but you might not let me in

Sexty; maybe, maybe not. You won’t know unless you try, sexy.

Brady; heehawe, oh you like me I see. I am happy. I am elated. Hehehe. Ooohhh maybe I’m not as creepy as my mother said

Humpty; oh you don’t have mother issues, do you? That’s all I’ve gotten this week is men infatuated with their mothers and sisters and their female dogs. It’s even depressing for a prostitute.

Brady; hehehe you so funny, silly girl, but I want to see you. At least tell me what you look like.

Sexty; don’t you want to come in?

Brady: oh I don’t need to. I’d like to but I don’t need to. Maybe I will later, maybe I won’t, but right now I enjoy just hearing your voice.

Humpty: No we’re letting you in

Brady: If you insist.

(They open the door. Having dropped the baseball bat)

(Brady enters. He is a f*****g creep but he is harmless. Is he hiding anything? Anything at all? He is hideous. No woman will ever love him. Pathetic, short, terrible hair, acne, slobbers and giggles and guffaws in all the wrong places and times. He is based on the author, without any doubt whatsoever. He slouches, etc.)

Brady: Hello, ladies. Girls. Princesses. B*****s. S***s. C***s. W****s. Prostitutes. Skanks. M***********s. Goddamn morons. Pieces of s**t. Dykes. What name do you guys most like?

Sexty: Pay us the money and you can call us whatever you want

Brady: Oh hehehe…. How much?

Humpty: 100 a piece. We’re feeling generous.

Brady: What if I don’t have any money

Humpty Then get the f**k out, we have a gun

Brady: hehehe I was joking, silly. Just yanking your chain, dawg. Hehehe. (Produces money) down, doggie, down. (Gives money to one or the other, or both. You decide.)
Brady: Hmmm okay I don’t know what to call either one of you.

(Sexty and Humpty get overtly sexual now. Whatever the f**k that is. Do it and play it to the hilt be all over this creep although he’s disgusting, never bathes and is a waste of space and time because….. Well there must be some reason aside from the money. Maybe not. Maybe. Time will tell or the lack of time. It’s hard to tell. Of course.)

Sexty: Mmm.. Well whatever you want, stud.

Humpty: Oh yeah. Whatever you want. Now what do you want

Brady: hehehe I want to talk

Sexty: ughhh for how long? What about? Your mother?

Brady: heehawed no no I killed that b***h so long ago

Humpty: mmmm that’s hot. Tell me a little bit more. How did you kill her?

Brady: hehehe. Well let me tell you a few things

Serxty: oh yeah boy you’re getting me horny

Brady: I haven’t said anything

Humpty: Oh oh oh yeah yeah more more harder harder

Brady: hehehe even I’m getting turned off by this tomfoolery if that is what this is

Sexty: oh tomfoolery oh yeah oh yeah, oh yeah come on, closer closer, harder harder, I want this, now, now, now.

Brady: Hey now… Now I’m I’m not so awkward and creepy and giggly now… now I’m getting mad

Sexty: oooohhhh yeah, you getting mad, you little baby? Well what you gonna do? Spank me? Hmmm?

Humpty: Ooohh yeah wanna take us over your bony little baby knee and give our tushies a nice little reminder of how bad and naughty we have been . Hmmm?

Sexty: yeah what ya gonna do, huh? Hmm? Hmm? What ya gonna do?

Brady: well hehehe…. I have something to tell you…..

Sexty: and what is that.

Brady: Well…. I wanted this to take a little longer but…… (Produces gun) Bye bye, skanks! (Shoots both of them dead)

Brady: (Looking at damage) (Breaks out of ridiculous voice and mannerisms) Shame. I should not have lost it so quickly, but I did. I wonder what their story really was. Huh. What did any of it mean? Why did I take this assignment? Why can’t any of us really talk anymore? What have I become? What did they become? (takes out a cigarette) I don’t understand life sometimes. It’s a b***h then you get killed.

(Queenie enters. drag queen)

Queenie: That’s for sure, m**********r! (Guns Brady down.)

Queenie: So………………………. No moral to this story. None at all. Bye-bye. (Shoots himself.)


(Curtain.)