Basement of The Doldrums

(Craig lives in this apartment with his reclusive two aunts and Grandmother. They sit in a corner, sipping tea and playing a game of solitaire without cards as they discuss everything from The Cold War to Russian Literature to… Raffi… and Pee-Wee Herman and the works of………. Someone or no one at all, or perhaps they will make up realities for themselves and begin discussing future meals or their weddings and their several marriages and heartbreaks. They all wear wedding gowns. Craig wears a Tuxedo. He is on the phone as the lights come up.)

Craig: Well, no, I can’t get out of the house. I have to officiate a marriage or two… or three tonight. Yeah, well, it’s not that easy to explain. You haven’t been inside my house yet? Well I live twenty-five miles from any visible civilization so that’s probably why. I don’t even own a TV. Yeah, wise guy, I’ve watched TV before. I wasn’t that impressed by it. Well, call me sometime….. I’ll call you. Why, yes, I do have a telephone, that’s why we’re talking on it right now. Girls? Dating? No. I’m gay, that’s one reason. No, it’s not a phase. This isn’t the Stone Age anymore stop being ignorant. Yes, I go to many gay clubs… Okay., this is over. Bye. (Slams down phone) Okay, Ladies. What are we doing tonight?

Cloris: Since when are you gay?

Craig: Oh, I don’t know. I’m probably not but it was fun to say I was to mess with him. I like messing with people. Are you  ladies just going to play cards?

Helen: We’re sick of cards, you half-man. We need to do something else. Could you put one of our records on>

Craig: Oh, why not? I have nothing else to do. No one other than that dumbass wants to see me. He wants to get me laid. He thinks I’m a virgin or something. Maybe I am. I can never remember. But, sure. What record do you creepy b*****s want?

Vera: Sinatra or Bessie Smith.

Craig: I’ll put a Led Zeppelin one on instead.

VerA: How about that record where Telly Savalas sings the standards?

Craig: Oh, why not? I’ll go look for it. Do you know where you keep your records?

Helen: I don’t think we have them anymore actually.

Craig: So why did you tell me to put one on?

Helen: Well just because I wanted to put one on didn’t mean that we actually have one to put on.

Craig: Uh-huh. I need to move out of here some time,.

Cloris: Yes but you love us in your own fucked-up way.

Craig: Well what do you three freaks think? Should I get a girlfriend or a boyfriend? Or should I continue my asexual way of being. You know I’m 25 or 29 or 78, who cares how old I am anyway? But whatever the case is- the fact is that I have never once in my entire life spent more than an hour in the presence of a person I was interested in because we all four know how thoroughly uninterested I am in all of you. There is no love or connection or purpose or hate here. There is nothing but indifferent toleration which is growing staler and more mundane by the day. Well I’ve said my little piece which has turned out to be a total waste of time since all three of you didn’t hear a word I said.

Vera: That’s not true. I heard you say asexual.

Craig: God forbid you listen to me.

Cloris: What I don’t understand is why you keep saying anything since you know none of us are interested in anything you have to say.

Craig: That is darkly comical isn’t it?

Cloris: A little bit. We still don’t have a TV.

Vera: We did at one time, didn’t we?

Cloris: Who knows?

Helen: Sure we did. We watched a lot of PBS.

Cloris: What the f**k did we watch on that s****y station, you s**t?

Helen: I don’t know but we watched something. Antiques roadshow and the show about those dirty skanks in Zimbabwe.

Craig: Yeah you know I had an internet correpsondence going with some skanks but they didn’t think I’d have enough money to pay them. Maybe they were right. I don’t have any money.

Helen: How old are you?

Craig: Younger than you.

Helen: That’s only what you think.

Craig: I know it for a fact.

Helen: How can you possibly know that for a fact?

Craig: We don’t have any music at all?

Vera: Do you see any here?

Craig: I have a guitar.

Vera: Are you any good?

Craig: No I have no idea how to play it.

Cloris: I do. Bring it out here, dumbass.

Craig: What’s the point? I know you’re lying to me.

Cloris: Never accuse me of being a liar until you can actually prove that I am in fact lying.

Craig: Well, I am tiring of this little boring game we’re playing so let’s see what else we can do.

Vera: Tell me, Craig, why do you spend all your time in a basement with a bunch of bitter, men hating old ladies anyway?

Craig: That’s a fair enough question. I was on the outside for a while. It wasn’t all that fun, let me tell you. I did the whole school bit, and I found myself…. Not only bored and purposeless… but also incredibly unhappy. I lived with the parents then. Great people. Hardworking and generous, but they didn’t really enjoy talking or spending real time with me unless they thought it would be completely painless for them, and let’s face it, Loves, I am anything but painless. I worry and I say a lot of nonsensical, silly, confusing, frustrating, suicide- causing things. I remember when I used to talk to girls. Occasionally. I… was always at a great loss for words…. I wasn’t sad or mad or feeling bad when that happened…. Just…… felt that I didn’t really belong on the outside. I would walk up to my latest crush and I would ask her what she was doing for the weekend and she would always answer “Nothing” or I would speak so softly that she would not hear me, and would simply walk away which often led me to believing that I was invisible or that people went out of their way to avoid me, but I knew that wasn’t the case. I was simply…. Not right for the world. I held nothing against anyone, I just knew I wasn’t right for a place such as that…. Friends and intimates, much less girlfriends and lovers were not for me…. I was meant to be a loner but I wanted to find a place miles away from anyone else, so I asked my parents who occasionally remembered that I existed if they knew of any places, and they told me how I had all these crazy relatives that sat around in a decrepit, uninhabited hole in the ground twenty miles from civilization, and I felt that a couple of recluses were perfect for me as they would expect even less from me than I expected from them.

Helen: Well, that is wonderful, Craig but the problem with everything you have just said is we don’t really care. That is why we’re recluses. We don’t enjoy the company of other people. The only reason the other ones, including yourself, are even here is because I don’t want to have a serious enough conversation with any of you to tell you to get the Hell out so instead we all sit around and insult the other ones because passive-aggressive hatred and cold cynicism is what works best for all of us… it keeps us from having to emote and show our true selves which would probably be more disappointing than the frustrated ones we’re already showing. Plus we have all been laid on several occasions. throughout our meaningless lives.

Craig: That’s very well, Helen. I have never had any interest in sex whatsoever. It has never made me feel any better about myself or given me satisfaction or desire

Vera: Plus someone would have to be terribly diseased and useless to entertain the thought of sleeping with a man as inconsequential as yourself.

Craig: There is that fact as well. But how many venereal diseases do you have at the present moment, Vera?

Vera: More than you’ll ever have, sock monkey.

Craig: All right, ladies. What are we doing here? Other than the cards it appears that we don’t have anything to do here. We don’t sleep. We don’t eat. We don’t go to the bathroom. We don’t go on walks or jogs. What is it we do and how have we survived for as long as we have? Perhaps we really are no longer a part of the world, which would be fine….. But maybe it wouldn’t be… we might be in the midst of a worse universe.

Cloris: Now we know that isn’t possible. When I was a much younger woman or a man or a penguin… who knows what I was in the past since the past can be whatever we envision it to be…. I vaguely recall having a gentlemen caller who thought I was quite the southern belle and all, you know? I don’t know if you w****s and hopeless penis envy over there remember times of courting and true romance, but I believe his name was Thomas Gordon, and he wasn’t all that handsome or rich or talented, he didn’t have anything going for him whatsoever since he was in his sixties and couldn’t put the bottle down long enough to get a job interview, but there was something so wonderful and loving and tender about him. He kissed, when he wasn’t sober or dying, better than any person I have ever had the misfortune of kissing in my life because behind all the other lies and defenses he put up to wall himself off from ever really knowing another person, when he kissed you could see that he cared and loved and wanted so much from me and all of the world but he was certain that his fear would always be more powerful and lasting than any love or companionship he could ever have in this world. So it becthe ame a small wonder to me as to why he was so lost and broken in his life. After he and I separated due to his suicide, I no longer had no interest in being a part of a world that rejected and hurt so much. I could not go out with anyone else and risk the chance of my being broken or my breaking another person’s heart of spirit. But that’s enough of such sentimental reminiscences. They are not at all important nor do they change anything that is going on here.

Craig: Perhaps we need to embrace the world again. Make another go at making sense out of the senseless and disgusting. I am sick and weary but I know I’ll be happy and silly again soon because what other way would I rather be than the way that I know will lead to the most happiness and fulfillment…. But then I think back on all the lost connections and the failures in my life and I suppose I realize that nothing will ever possibly change for someone like me. It doesn’t happen. Not because I’m bad or because other people are bad, but just because it’s a flawed universe where some people are just sort of thrown into the mix to lend a shoulder once in a while or to have a few witty jokes., but otherwise they’re just around to be a part of the scenery.

Vera: I used to read a lot. You wouldn’t think so. I read everything. Everything but aftert enough reading and researching I discovered that no amount of knowledge would ever really let me know much of anything so once again I gave something else up, and I found myself lounging around playing card games I don’t know nor do I understand but it was better than reading books that have nothing more than words and ideas printed in text, and in the grand scheme of things, no matter the subject, will give you very little understanding to anything in the world and since we all know solutions are impossible to come by all the horrible atrocities will continue to run rampant because there are too many people like us who turn their backs on destruction and evil and do nothing, while the evil men and women never lose their passion to destroy until they are dead and buried. Oh well, right? So it goes and so it will always be unless all people in all places will come together, put all their petty differences, egos, griverances, and hurt feelings aside and stand in a circle and sing songs of freedom, acceptance and understanding, but we know that could only happen in a perfect, ideal world, and perfection and ideals are not a part of our makeup. Okay. I cannot believe I’m saying this but I sort of wish to sleep.

Craig: The eternal sleep or just a mundane sleep?

Vera: Does that ever really matter?

Cloris: Well, there must be something that matters, right? There isn’t a chance that we’re only here because some Invisible Egomaniac wanted to entertain Himself for a few million years, right?

Craig: Doubt is a silly thing, isn’t it? Most people will make illusions, delusions and lies for themselves to get through the day, but then there are a few issues on which they feel they must be doubtful or they will one day realize how much they have wasted their lives. It is a bit frightening, to say the least. I’m beginning to ramble, and I have noticed that I need to buy some new threads.

Cloris: Threads?

Craig: Clothes, you old bat.

Cloris: Explain to me why we call each other such names.

Craig: We don’t know what else to do. And we listen to a lot of Talk Radio. Speaking of the radio, the new radio show will be premiering tonight.

Cloris: Something about a lot of lonely people in a basement who are suffering from despair and purposelessness.

Vera: That sounds vaguely familiar.

Craig: What are we supposed to do?

Cloris: Well, Dicky, we could try our luck at the outside again.

All: Nah hopelessness is best for us.

Craig: But wait….. Hope…. Rebirth…… We still have time and resources…. We have a chance… A shot…. Hope exists, right? We could find love, happiness, joy, an end to despair… couldn’t we? Sure, we could!

Cloris: Well I need to get out of this wedding dress. I don’t even remember ever being married.

Vera: But I want to stay here, with my memories or what may have been my memories. I can’t go forward.

Helen: I suppose I haven’t spoken for a while. Why? Oh yeah, I don’t give a s**t. I’ll stay here.

Cloris: Well, you’ve convinced me.

Craig: So, only I will be leaving and hoping for the best, or at least for something different?

Cloris: I don’t know. Will you?

Craig: Well…..

Helen: There’s your answer.

Craig: Oh………………….

(Curtain.)