Crying Inside

Xanaxy: Okay. So, what exactly is the problem today, Gianni?

Gianni: Nothing is the matter. Come on. I just have one of those faces that appears to be melancholy when in all reality I am perfectly fine.

Xanary: Now, are you sure about this? I have heard you say this before and it turns out you’re far than fine. I don’t really care whether you’re fine or not, but I’m required to ask you anyway lest I feel completely awful.

Gianni: You could do what you actually want to do, though. Live by your own rules and all. Be your own man instead of feeling it your responsibility to figure out what is going on with other people like me. I don’t want anyone to take too much interest in me. I don’t find it all that comforting believe me.

Xanaxy: That is very possibly true but no matter how hard I try to be totally uncaring, unfeeling, and apathetic I still care to some extent because I will always be obsessed with pleasing and helping others. I have a bit of a Savior and Martyr complex although I am fully aware of the very obvious fact that I am neither one of those things.

Gianna: But I suppose since you believe it is your obvligation, or your fate to care, so to speak, that I could tell you a few things.

Xanaxy: Sure. Why not? I’m here. You’re here. We’re out of work and we’re both flat broke and have no place to go since we both hate walking and all, so shoot away, buddy. Maybe this will let us know a little bit more about each oother.

Gianni: You mean, you’re going to share your feelings, misgivings and joys with me too?

Xanacy: Don’t be silly. I make sure no one ever knows what’s going on with me. I love my privacy and my emotional illiteracy, and I hide all my regrets, my promises, my dreams, my goals and aspirations away in castles that do not and will never exist. With all that needless miscellaneous information now being known to you, in a sense, let’s move on with your issues. So what problems are you and Fiona having?

Gianni: You’re going to assume I’m having problems with Fiona?

Xanaxy: of course. You’re not going to talk to me about the problems you’re having with your sisters or your parents, or your a*****e, narcissistic boss so I assume the only thing left is poor, devoted Fiona. Are you still cheating on her like crazy although she’s wonderful./

Gianna: It’s not as simple as that.

Xanaxy: I’ve never found cheating to be all that complicated of a thing.

Gianni: Well you’ve never loved anyone

Xanaxy: Since when does cheating have anything to do with caring or loving someone?

Gianni: It’s a very complicated thing to explain. I’m not sure if I can do it.

Xanaxy: I assume you can’t do it because no excuse or justification you posit here could possibly be valid or moral or ethical.

Gianni: But it is. But it is most difficult to do so when the majority of society deems cheating to be a horrendous thing to do.

Xanacy: I know we’re such a pain in the a*s.

Gianni: You really don’t understand what I go through on a daily basis. I have to hide everything. Screen everything. I have to be a different person to every person I come in contact with. It gives me no time to understand or know who I truly am. I’m… I’m always scrambling, looking for something new, something better, something truer, more beautiful, more honest…. Something, well…. Someone that will complete me in a way that cannot be completed with Fiona…. As much as I love her, and as God as my witness, I really do,…… I cannot allow myself to just be with her… because I have to believe, as wonderful as she is… that there is, somewhere in this world, somewhere…. A girl hundreds of times better… for me…. And it would also be better for Fiona as she could move on and find the right person for her…. Because I want both of us to be happy, naturally,

Xanaxy: Uh huh. Naturtally. Naturally. You are so full of s**t. Fiona is intelligent, patient, kind, for the first time in ages you aren’t with a girl who looks down on you and is a pretentious, self-entitled b***h and yet she isn’t enough for you because you want someone richer, someone smarter, someone who pays you even more attention and praise

Gianni: No, no, no, no….. It isn’t that simple. I know how confusing and incomprehensible this all sounds… but I don’t cheat because I hate her or because I don’t feel she’s worthy…. I hate men who cheat and feel no remorse for it but expect the women to put up with it because they’ll love them whether they’re exclusive or not or obviously the romance they have is not real or true or beautiful. I just… I just… Okay. I’ll give you a bit of an example here.

Xanaxy: Shut up. No example you can provide me with can possibly excuse the fact that you are cheating… lying to… manipul,ating a wonderful girl who loves you and would do anything for you, and who I wish you would do the same for. Do you know how few people in this world are ever able to feel such feelings, such unconditional, amazing, joyful, euphoric love? Do you know how few of us will ever really meet our other half? While guys like you who are never satisfied get women who fall madly in love with you while you schmucks go around attempting to justify your infidelities by saying you and her aren’t really, exactly, perfectly happy. Bullshit. You just don’t want to treat her as well as she would like to be treated. Do you have any idea how many nice, caring, considerate, intelligent men I come in contact with every day who would love to be with a woman like Fiona, who would appreciate all the wonderful things she says and does for you, but will never be able to be with a woman who really loves them, just because. But you, you cheating b*****d, are able to go around, lying to a wonderful girl and not feel too bad about it because you know there will be other women who will love you and care about you because you never feel anything for them besides convenience and maybe boosting your ego a little bit. I’m sorry I have no sympathy for your little “predicament” here. You want to find yourself? You want to know who you really are? Find some hobbies. Go to art museums. Read the classics. Read mythology. Go religious or spiritual. Maybe actually go about caring about another human being. But do not stand here, and complain about how you’re not to blame where your infidelities and callousness and disregard for another human being is concerned. I know this is the “Me Generation” and very few people ever care about each other because of cynicism and dishonesty and image, image, image…. But… and I may not know much where people are concerned since I’m so removed from humanity… but I know for a fact that Fiona loves you and she always will even if you break her heart, because she has this penchant for loving those who will always treat her like s**t while those who love her, care about her, who would treat her with such respect instead of such bullshit lies, will never be what she’s looking for because…. Well, that’s life.

Gianni: So you think… you still think that I’m to blame?

Xanaxy: Of course not. You’re not to blame. I am. Fiona is. Every other woman you have treated like dirt is. But you’re perfect. You’ve been kind and honest and romantic, and treated them all as they wanted to be treated. You’re a prince and I hope you stay that way. Now, f**k off, a*****e.

Gianni: I really thought you would attempt to see things from my perspective instead of allowing your love for Fiona trump our friendship. Don’t sit there and pretend that you haven’t always loved her. I’ve seen your journal entires. I’ve seen how you look at her with such longing glances, with such hopelessness yet yearning to spend the nights with her, holding her as she drifts off to sleep. Well, guess what? That ain’t even gonna happen. Okay maybe you’re right… I cheat on her and maybe she even knows and if she doesn’;t../. she’ll find out… and guess what? She’ll live with it. Deal with it. You wanna go right ahead and tell her? Be my guest, she’ll be hurt but she’ll be hurt more by the fact that she cannot keep herself from loving me. I guess I should feel awful, but the more I think about it… I’m just living by my own rules… I’m okay. I’d even go so far as to say that I’m happy. Maybe I really am. I don’t know but I can always allow myself to believe that I am. Yep. I’ll be fine. She’ll be fine. But you won’t be, will you? You’ll never find your other half because….. Huh… who knows but you probably are one of those types who will never find another just because… any plethora of reasond… I could be a psychoanalyst or some sort of expert or know-it-all in this case, but I won’t be. I hope you learn to enjoy what is you have ahead of you for so long, but I doubt you will. But I could be wrong, right? I doubt it. So, you refuse to help me or understand my side of it at all… The man is always to blame, right? It’s not my fault that she isn’t what I need or want, but I’ll be with her for a while, I guess because no one else is coming along at the moment. She’s the best I’ve met so far. I guess I’ll be going. Still not saying anything? You still want anything to do with me? Fine. I thought you were the one person who would show me some kind of human sympathy or understanding. I guess I was wrong. I’ll be fine though. I don’t need it anyway.

(He exits.)

Xanaxy: (Sits in silence and realization of how incomprehensible all of life is. He isn’t mad or bitter or sad or depressed- He is simply accepting reality and all that it holds. He gets up. Picks up the telephone. Dials.

Xanaxy: Hello. Fiona? Gianni just left. Oh, yeah, he’s been with countless women. So, you have the gun ready? Good. Yeah, I’m okay. Well, good luck with the whole murder thing. Okay. I’d say talk to you later but the inside of prisons creep me out. Bye.

(Hangs up. Goes back to chair. A slight smile comes across his face, but it quickly returns to the pensive acceptance of the reality of life.)

(Curtain.)