Refusal of Coupling

Don: I’m heading out, Paul.

Paul: Oh yeah? And where are you going?

Don: I’m not sure yet. But I know I am heading out. Would you like to come along?

Paul: Will women be wherever it is you’re going.

Don: Yeah. Women seem to show up wherever I go.

Paul: I don’t understand women.

Don: Oh, women don’t even understand themselves.

Paul: Do women understand us?

Don: do they understand us? Or do they understand men in general?

Paul: Do you really think we’re men?

Don: Oh, I don’t think I’m ready for this discussion right now. Now let me return to my original question… do you want to come along or not?

Paul: Sure. But we better be going somewhere with logical, rational women.

Don: Have you ever met a rational or logical person in your life?

Paul: Huh. Touche, my dear sir. Touche.

(Lily enters. She looks like a woman. She wears a dress. Make it white or black or red or blue or fuschia)

Lily: Hello, guys. Are you two heading out?

Paul: Don is. I might go with him.

Lily: Hmm. I might come along if you’re going somewhere where nice, confident, easy-going, low-dramtic sort of men will be.

Don: Well, I’m heading out. Do you two knuckleheads want to come along or not?

Lily: No. We’ll stay back.

Paul: We will? Do you think you’re my boss now, missy?

Lily: Do you want me to be?

Paul: Hmm. Perhaps. I don’t know. I suppose you’re pretty. Is she pretty, Don?

Don: This is why I don’t bother finding anyone attractive in a romantic sense at all. It’s so exhausting and boring. I love you two but dating either one of you would lead me to utter despair. Okay I’ll see you two…. Idiots later. Bye. (He exits.)

Paul: So, Lily, it’s just you and me. We should do something fun today.

Lily: I suppose we could. But what is fun?

Paul: Enough with the questions, my dear. Let’s have some sex.

Lily: Sex is out. No one has sex that is meaningful anymore.

Paul: I doubt they ever have. Sex was never really that wonderful you know. I know they go on and on in the media about how obsessed our culture is by it but I don’t think anyone really enjoys it at all.

Lily: So you’re telling me you have never enjoyed sex in your life?

Paul: Not at all.

Lily: You’re lying.

Paul: Prove that I’m lying. Oh wait you don’t want to have sex with me. Why is that? I’m…. well I’m here and no one else wants to lay you right now.

Lily: Oh I am sure there are plenty of men and women and hermaprhroidtes that want to lay me right now.

Paul: Oh, yes? How certain are you of that?

Lily: Well that’s enough of that. Sex is talked about too much whether it be in a positive or negative sense. I don’t want to talk about it right now or ever again. Let’s make a mental note of that, okay?

Paul: So, no sex ever again?

Lily: Well for now, anyway.

Paul: But we’ll talk about it later, then?

Lily: Sure if we’re still alive and all.

Paul: That’s right, we could die at any moment.

Lily: Wow that’s quite the thought, Thomas Wolfe.

Paul: Was he a writer?

Lily: If that’s what you wanted him to be, sure.

Paul: Well, what should we do?

Lily: I could invite over my friend, Jessica.

Paul: Is she cute?

Lily: Are you that shallow?

Paul: Sure I’m a human being.

Lily: So if a girl isn’t cute, pretty, whatever, you’re telling me then you wouldn’t want anything to do with her?

Paul: Well girls who don’t find me attractive never want anything to do with me.

Lily: So that makes what you do right, then?

Paul: Oh let’s not worry about what is right and wrong, we’ll figure that out when we’re dead.

Lily: Well that’s true enough. I don’t know if Jessica is cute or not. I guess she is. Maybe. We’ll find out, won’t we?

Paul: We need a fan in here. Maybe Don is buying one.

Lily: What do you think of Don?

Paul: He’s a poseur and a phony but he’s an okay guy I suppose.

Lily: Would you say that to his face?

Paul: of course not. I’ve learned how to be polite and courteous to people’s faces.

Lily: So you just tell people whatever they want to hear.

Paul: Yeah, that’s all they really want, you know.

Lily: You might be right actually. Do we have anything to eat?

Paul: There was ketchup and celery but no bread so the celery/ketchup sandwich is out.

Lily: I’m getting hot in here. I don’t care for wearing dresses but I didn’t have any other clean clothes and I don’t want to do laundry.

Paul: Well now you’ll have to do it.

Lily: S**t. I hadn’t thought of that. I think you and I should go somewhere.

Paul: What, as friends?

Lily: Guys and girls can be friends.

Paul: Can they? I don’t think you’re right. Someone will always have feelings one way or the other, and the other will or will not return said feelings. That’s the way it always works out.

Lily: Only in your limited experience.

Paul: Yes but my experiences are always true for me. I’m sick of caring about people. It’s exhausting. I’d like to just have a few friends that genuinely care back. Just a few. All of them either ignore me or care about me too much which leads to many things.

Lily: Maybe your problem lies within yourself.

Paul: Well of course it does. Anyone who says they have a problem comes to realize that all the problems they have are a little bit of their fault.

Lily: So you’re owing up to your responsibilities.

Paul: Only a little bit.

(Doorbell.)
Paul: Who could that be?

Lily: I don’t know, but I don’t really want to talk to anyone right now. But… I guess if you really want to you can let him in.

Paul: Who is it?

Van: (Offstage.) It’s Van.

Paul: I don’t know any Van.

Van: Sure you do.

Lily: I don’t know a Van either.

Van: Don’t lie, little girl.

Lily: I am no little girl, buster!

Van: Just let me in. I need to talk to you lovebirds about something.

Paul: We’re not lovebirds. This girl is exhausting.

Lily: Not as exhausting as you.

Van: Okay, kids. Just shut up and let me in, it’s not as though you have anything better to do.

Paul: I am so bored. It’s insane. (He lets Van in.)

Van: Hey, kids. Am I handsome enough for you?

Lily: If you want to be.

Paul: I think I am more masculine than you.

Van: Okay. Anyway, I think you’re both cute. Would you two like to hook up with me and my wife?

Paul: Not at all. But thanks for the offer.

Van: Oh I wasn’t expecting that brushoff.

Lily: Yeah but we hate sex and relationships and even thinking about them… although it’s mostly what we worry and think about.

Van: Well my wife looks like Tuesday Weld.

Paul: Who the Hell is Tuesday Weld?

Van: Watch a movie from the 60s, kid.

Paul: Okay, well this was fun. Do you want to be friends?

Van: No it’s a hookup or nothing at all.

Lily: Hmm. I think you’re an uncaring dumbass.

Van: Probably. Bye. (He exits.)

Lily: That was unsettling.

Paul: I have no feeling left.

Lily: Sure you do you’re just in shock.

Paul: How could I possibly be in shock?

Lily: I don’t know it just felt like the right thing to say.

Paul: Oh. Fair enough. I don’t know what it is I’m hoping for or waiting for anymore. Huh. That is unsettling, yes.

Lily: Don should be home soon.

Paul; But he could have left forever or he could be dead.

Lily: Oh yeah. Anything is possible.

Paul: Well, Lily, we should kiss.

Lily: I don’t want to.

Paul: I don’t want to either.

Lily: Why did you say it then?

Paul: I wanted to say something and to feel something and to need and/or want something, maybe. Maybe that’s it. Or maybe….. I have nothing.

Lily: We’ll find whatever it is we’re supposed to have someday. There’s just no telling when.

(Don enters empty handed.)

Don: Hey.

Lily: You didn’t get anything.

Paul: What’s up with that?

Don: Yeah. Nothing looked good.

Lily: That’s a bit peculiar, mister.

Don: Maybe so. But we’ll figure something out.

Paul: Will we?

Don: I don’t see why we shouldn’t be able to. Look at us. We’re smart, we’re good-looking, we’re talented, we’re resourceful, we’re kind. Okay, we’re confused and a little lost, but we’re good, kind, caring, compassionate people. Someday, probability, we’ll find whatever it is we’re supposed to have and we’ll prosper and all of this senselessness will make as much sense as having breakfast before lunch.

Paul: See, that never made much sense to me.

Lily: Oh, Paul.

Don: Lily, Paul, I love you two guys. But honestly dating you two or anyone else would lead me to my grave yesterday.

(Curtain.)