HA!

Ken: Listen it all has to do with never getting enough. That's why you look around and you see people taking any kind of job just to afford some brand-new cd from the latest fad. Maybe the fad wears funky clothing or swears a lot, comes off as some sort of hip individualist althouygh all they really are is a disagreeable, egotistical a*****e that just expects everyone in the whole wide cosmos to think the way they do. I'm not saying they're bad people. They're probabaly not. But, come on, you sing and you dance and you shoot your mouth off for a living I doubt you have more answers than the whole rest of humanity put together. Just because you get paid more than the majority of people does not make you some sort of expert on what life is about, what is right and wrong, what leads to success and happiness. If you really were so happy you wouldn't be bitching about how dumb and prudish and blah blah blah everyone else is. You wouldn't jump from one person to the next, never being satisfied because you have the attention span of a gnat. It's very disgraceful, frustrating, aggravating. This is only one of the possible reasons none of us are ever satisfied and why none of us wiull ever do much else than whine, whine whine and blather, blather, blather. Jesus Christ, I'm no better than any number of people. God damn it, I want a f*****g drink and I want to keep drinking until I can forget all about my past, this present... Just wipe out all my knowledge and all of my smug certainity about things I don't know s**t about. You know? It's a f*****g shame I detest even the mere smell of alcohol or any other kind of drug or depresant. Suicide would be too... no i just won't. I suppose it's all good really, but it would be messy and would leave otjhers more confused and empty than I am which is something I don't want. I keep repeating myself until I no longer know why I got off to this tangent in the new place. I recall talking about the... the what, exactly? The boredom of everything, the boredom of me, the boredom of all of you. Yep I'm bitching and I'm preaching doom and gloom and some sort of escape from reality lest we all become despondent and apathetioc. We're always blaming this generation or that one but no wonder... all this materialistic, capitalistic bullshit is only going to want people to get more and more stuff unti lthey no longer value anything but being the best and most important in any room at any given f*****g time. I usually don't curse or get angry this often, and in many watys I haven

't scatched the surface about many things I would like to because it wouldn't solve anything or give me even an inkling of how closure feels and emotes and means, you know. So I'll go for a walk tomorrow and I'll stop contacting her or thinking about her or reminiscing about the only time in my life I felt my entire existence wasn't a f*****g mistake. Holding, clutching, kissing, hugging, squeezing, holding, never letting go being held and holding all night long and feeling you were someone, you were loved and appreciated and validated and were no longer the f*****g creepy outsider no one truly recognized unless they felt like being nice or charitable or desperate one day. I'm sick of being lonely. I'm sick of being needy. I'm sick of being sick and ill and worried and stupud and everything, every negative, self-destructive thing I've been... I want some goddamn f*****g shitting sort of hope and I don't want to wait on some prayer or some miracle... I just want it because I can't wait any longer because I don't know how I'm even supposed to go about getting this sign to make sense out of all the endless gray areas of this life I've been leading. B***h. B***h. B***h. or duck duck goose or daffy duck or kennedy or eisenhower or truman or guevara or maybe........ Chekov or Shaw or Sondheim or Trump or Rodman or James or Bullock or King or Lauer or Ross or Stein or Wilder or Hemingway or Woolf or Burton or Taylor or Loser or Winner or Prick or Saint or Knight or night or day or summer or winter or cold or hot or movies or cinema or theatre or death or living or dying or light or dark or nothing or everything or Yeager or despoiled or trampled or crucified or vilified or worshipped or adored. Or bored or lonely or fulfilled or happy or something and nothing and everything and little and small and big and large and huge and dumbo and stupid and smart and nice and kind and compassionate and peaceful or touching or tickling or the butt or the breats or the eyes or the lake or the fire or heaven or hell or limbo or a mysterious place that will explain nothing to us. What is important is that I know therte must be something or someone around that has made it certain that my entire life has not been a joke played by a cruel, immature idiot. But where is this thing or person that will give a reason for arisking and working and sleeping dna dying and hanging on against all hope and pain and fear and loss and grief and everythinf else. Where the f**k is this thing or person? I'm not going to be this f*****g miserable little nothing of a person anymore. I'm going to stop sitting around, bemoaning my feet and chasing a load of pipe dreams like an addict or a character from an old drawing-room comedy. I'm going to get out of this funk. I'm going to spread cheer and joy and happiness and song and dance and love and food and drink and parties and hopefulness and a lack of despaior and vinbdicticveness to all people in all places for all time, and I will stop missing her although I will always love her because it is not meant to be for reasons that will never make sense, but there is always the possibility I will meet somone else, right? Yes. Yes. A f*****g million times yes. I have a shot. I have hope. I will be saved. I will be happy. I will rid myself of my demons, of my ghoists, of all of my skeletons. I refuse to lose the most important person in mty life because I'm an obsessive, demented, tortured artist that understands..... well, I'm not going to f**k up and be anyone or anything but myself anymore. Good day and I love everyone and everytrhing so ha!