Shuffling

Byron: Fern.

Fern: Byron.
Byron: Get in the car. I want to take you some place very special today.
Fern: I would rather browse the internet.
Byron: I am the man. I am in charge. Do what I ask or you will be punished.
Fern: Yes, Your Majesty.
Byron: I love being in control.
Fern: I was joking, of course.
Byron: That’s not good.
Fern: No it isn’t.
Byron: I demand you get in the car!
Fern: Bye-bye. (Exits.)
Byron: Blast! Why won’t she do as I ask? Am I weak? Am I pathetic? What is wrong with me?
Fern: I will be in the car. Please follow me.
Byron: No, thank you. I have changed my mind. I will be taking a car ride by myself today.
Fern: Very well. I don’t enjoy your company anyway.
Byron: Of course you do.
Fern: I don’t think so.
Byron: You jest.
Fern: I do not.
Byron: I think you do.
Fern: No.
Byron: I’m bored. I’m going to take a nap.
Fern: I sold the bed and all the furniture this morning.
Byron: Why?
Fern: The reason is not important. I was simply informing you of the fact.
Byron: I don’t like this one bit.
Fern: I understand how you must be feeling. However, it will pass. It always does.
Byron: I don’t like you very much.
Fern: And I don’t like you.
Byron: That’s strange.
Fern: Has anyone ever liked you?
Byron: I would be very surprised.
Fern: My Mother is supposed to be here soon.
Byron: A ravishing woman.
Fern: Yes. It’s a pity she thinks you look like a frog.
Byron: Indeed. It is a great pity.
Fern: However, my lover, Roger, will be coming over to ravish me this afternoon.
Byron: I would like to meet this man.
Fern: He would kill you. He thinks you’re a homicidal maniac.
Byron: Perhaps I am.
Fern: Perhaps. You are ugly enough for such an occupation.
Byron: Indeed.
Fern: Anyway, I was joking. I have no lover named Roger, and my Mother was never ravishing… also, I was an orphan. Therefore, I never had a Mother.
Byron: Oh. Right. Right. How do these things happen? Why do you believe… You, not that a*****e named God who I doubt exists anyway…. Nor Oprha… Nor Fox News or any of the other jackasses on TV or radio… The media in general think…. But why do you think all of us are thrust into this world where we lie and scheme until the day we die?
Fern: I don’t. I merely believe you’re a little too cynical which leads you to having as many doubts as you have which will lead you to dying unhappy, but at least you won’t be alone because for reasons I will never be able to fully comprehend I kind of love you…. Well, maybe, I tolerate you… I’m not sure exactly what it is I feel about you…. I can’t make up my mind…. I always thought bisexuals were incapable of making up their minds.
Byron: Nonsense. Perhaps they just like having the best of both worlds. I am afraid, however, that we need a third party to come in here… I am thinknig this moment because you and I merely exhaust each other to the death.
Fern: Perhaps. It could be a wonderful idea. But who can be sure? Right? Anyone home up there? Perhaps I should read another romance novel. Heaven knows you haven’t give me romance in a dog’s age.
Byron: I never understood what was meant by the term: “A Dog’s Age” What does it mean? Please enlighten me, love of my life.
Fern: I must get out of here but I don’t want to get in the car. I don’t want to drive it nor do I want you to drive me in it. My bicylce is broken…. Or was it stolen? In any case, I also detest walking. Maybe I hate everything. But, if I do indeed hate everything…. What keeps me alive? What keeps me wanting to shuffle along this mortal coil and pretend that maybe some day life will be anything other than total misery?
Byron: So many questions. So many questions. And yet, all I can say is…. Let’s go for a car ride.
(Doorbell.)
Fern: That must be someone. I hope it wasn’;t the UPS man though. He never stays to chat.
(Opens door.)
Gully: Hello. I have come to take both of you away.
Byron: Hold on a moment. How come?
Gully: I have it on the greatest authority that it is time for both of you to vacate this residence to reside in a residence where happiness will reign.
Byron: I’m not sure how we would react to such positive energy.
Gully: That’s a shame. A damn shame. An everasting shame.
Fern: Are you saying that it’s a shame?
Gully: I don’t remember but I wouldn’t be too surprised. You see I often come across the most miserable, cynical people in the world and they say they no longer wish to be cynical, but when I offer them happiness…. They are no longer in their comfort zone. They have spent their entire lives bitching about everything…. Cutting down others to make themselves feel better….. Watching Jerry Springer, even
Fern: We have never watched such crap! Oh, but we do every day. Byron, we’re hopeless.
Gully: Well, you said it, not me. You two enjoy your misery. Misery really does enjoy company. Enjoy your Hell, my friends. Don’t say you were never offered happiness. (Exits.)
Byron: Car ride?
Fern: No. (Exits.)

(Curtain.)