Where's Reginald?

(Reginald is as arrogant and as unapproachable as they come. He is tall and ugly, and without any social graces. He says exactly what he feels and thinks every moment and yet he never utters one curse word. He is such a martyr and he is cooler and better than the rest of us. Is he correct or incorrect? It doesn’t really matter, does it? It hardly ever does. He is married to a woman who is an alcoholic and his transgendered brother, sister and father also live with them. They are all cocaine addicts. The reasons behind these addictions? Unexplainable, unknown, and frankly, do you really care and do you think you could ever understand? No philosophical discussions in this one is the plan . Realistic- Blunt-Unsentimental- No love- No Glory- No chance at redemption or a happier life- or maybe happiness and restraint is what it’s all about, or maybe it’s about whatever you want it to be about, or maybe it just doesn’t matter what it’s all about, and maybe it’s about nothing and it’ll just put a huge smile on your face. )

(Reginald comes down stage. He looks bored and sick and angry and completely intolerant of all people and all things. He hates life, he hates people, he hates everything. A total misanthrope. Miserable and unrepentant yet unaware of that since he never thinks of such things. He addresses the audience from the ground and looks disgusted and put upon the entire time. Never yelling, only growing in agitation and annoyance, and a look of disapproval at the audience’s inability to make sense of anything.)

Reginald: You’re the audience, I assume? Well, are you? Hmm. Could one of you be kind enough to give me a yes or a no? Very good. You’re coming along quite nicely. I have a name. I have a position. I am rich or I am poor. I am blind as well as deaf yet I see and hear everything. Contradicted myself, did I not? I must be human and fallible and sick then, mustn’t I? You may once again say yes or no, and if none of you say either yes or no, I will leave and I will not come back. Ha! I’m staying here anyway. I never get hurt. I never get offended. I only get annoyed and angry. That is all. It doesn’t matter why or how or when or where or anything of such matters. You know why? Hmm. I’ll never tell you so stop your begging, you parasites. Well you are all boring me. Bye.

(He slowly gets up. Looks back with one last look of contempt at the audience, and leaves the stage. His wife, Vanessa enters. She is…. Whatever you want her to be. Enough said or maybe not. Screw you, too.)

Vanessa: (Sits on chair. Sings a song that she improvises or one that is well-known. Something by any artist you choose. After she has sung a song- She exits.

Now, Malcom enters. Man dressed in revealing female clothing. Otherwise nothing is out of the ordinary. He yells for his sister who dresses as a man to enter. They play a game of paddy cake. Then they begin to interact with each other. Her name is Svengali.

Svengali: Hello, Brother.

Malcom: Sister. What shall we do today?

Svengali: Finish our novel.

Malcom: Hmm. I think not. Let’s start a new one.

Svengali: We must finish this one first.

Malcom: I want to go on a bus somewhere.

Svengali: Huh. I don’t quite understand.

Malcom: Yes, I know. That’s why I said such a silly thing.

Svengali: More cruel than silly.

Malcom: Not at all. You’re much more cruel than I am.
Svengali: Where is Father?

Malcom: The bathroom.

Svengali: What is he doing in there?

Malcom: Waiting.

Svengali: Oh. Waiting is never good.

Malcom: But it never ends.

Svengali: Sure it does.

Malcom: Hmm. No. Yes. I guess it does. Wait, no it doesn’t. Oh, fine you win. Wait, no. Okay, fine. Have it your way. (Why all these hesitations, these uncertainites, these lies, contradictions? Absurdity- lack of sense and explanations- something deep is going on, obviously, or is all nonsense? I’m boring myself. Continue.) The issue is whether Don will give me the flower or not.

Svengali: Of course, the flower. What the Hell are you talking about?

Malcom: I forget. I am going for a walk.

Svengali: May I come with you?

Malcom: Only if you want to end up on a bench near a zoo.

Svengali: Fine.

Malcom: Let us walk arm-in-arm.

Svengali: Dandy.

(They walk off arm-in-arm together.)

Their Father, Roger enters dressed as a woman, speaking in the style of Sir John Gielgud.)

Roger: Hello, everyone! No one is here. Where are they? Where the Hell are you degenerates? You swine! You ingrates! You sons of b*****s! Well, you’re not here. I’m an insomniac. I have not slept in nine nights and yet I am lovely. I will lie down and I will still not fall asleep. (He lies down.) Ah. I cannot sleep. Whatever happened to Huckleberry Hound?

(A clip of Huckleberry Hound plays as the lights dim for a moment or so.)

Roger: I missed him more than I missed my b***h of a wife. I always miss the unreal opposed to the real. I should have been a cartoon. I don’t like where this train of thought is going so I will now cease to think. (He ceases to think.) (He enters a sort of trance.) Reginald. Reginald. Wherefore art thou, Reginald? My first son. A total………. Hmm. I don’t know. (He is all alone or is he? Well, this is a complete standstill, isn’t it?) Reginald. I will bury you alive, Reginald. I will see you crushed beneath a million warriors. No, no, I’m joking, of course. (He comes out of his trance.) I’m happy. No, I’m not. Yes, I am. No, I’m not. Well, I just won’t think about it anymore. I need someone to talk to. Oh, is that someone? No it isn’t. Well, screw you too, God! It’s always God’s fault or His doing. Hmm. How dumb. Okay. I’m going to try to sleep again.

(Bernice enters. She is….. Well, not that great actually.)

Bernice: No, you’re not. You’re going to talk to me.

Roger: Oh, someone to talk to.

Bernice: Well, I’m going to talk at you.

Roger: That’s all women do.

Bernice: Don’t be sexist.

Roger: I’ll be whatever I want to be.

Bernice: No, you won’t.

Roger: Sure I will.

Bernice: How do you figure?

Roger: I don’t figure, I just know.

Bernice: You’re a pig.

Roger: How do you know?

Bernice: I don’t know, I just figure.

Roger: I think knowing is much superior to figuring.

Bernice: You’re senile.

Roger: I don’t think I am. I’ve been tested for it.

Bernice: Well, they lied to you.

Roger: No they didn’t.

Bernice: Believe whatever you like.

Roger: I watched Huckleberry Hound earlier?

Bernice: Let me talk to you.

Roger: About what?

Bernice: Life.

Roger: Please, no.

Bernice: How about death?

Roger: How about your death?

Bernice: Do you want me to die?

Roiger: That would be fantastic.

Bernice: Oh, you jokester.

Roger: Believe what you like.

Bernice: What do you think of our children?

Roger: I didn’t know you were the wife of my children.

Bernice: Who did you think was?

Roger: Greta Garbo.

Bernice: Well, no, I am.

Roger: Fascinating.

Bernice: Anyway, what do you think of them?

Roger: They’re…… I have nothing.

Bernice: You must have something.

Roger: I don’t.

Bernice: I think you’re lying.

Roger: I think I want to talk about your death.

Bernice: Don’t be so familiar with me, Mister.

Roger: I….. How many children do we have?

Bernice: Hell if I know.

Roger: Am I a thousand years olf?

Bernice: You sure look it.

Roger: Thank you.

Bernice: I’ll talk to you another time.

Roger: Of course.

Bernice: Bye.

Roger: (Suddenly realizing what he’s wearing.) Why am I dressed as a woman? Well……….. Okay then. I need to talk to Reginald.

(Sophie enters. She is Reginald’s wife. She is drunk and she wants to get it on with Roger but she is too intoxicated to make any moves on him so she sits in a chair and makes passes at him constantly, but they are having two completely different conversations.)

Sophie: Well, Reginald, is out working.

Roger: He works.

Sophie: That’s what he says but he’s not half the man you are.

Roger: I never worked really. Maybe it’s why I’m a coke addict.

Sophie: I’d love to get in you.

Roger: My Father….. My Mother……. They were kind in an unkind sort of way……… Makes no sense now but when it was happening it made more sense than…….. Microfsoft word. That makes sense, right?

Sophie: Reginald can’t give me children. He tries but he doesn’t love me enough and…… well I think he’s a woman.

Roger: I need some more Huckleberry Hound.

(The screen comes down but instead he gets a short clip of The Jetsons.)

Roger: He lives in outer space now. Wow.

Sophie: Well I’m gonna go get a little more drunk, sexy.

(Sophie exits.)

(Svengali enters.)

Svengali: Hey there, Roger.

Roger: Hello…. You.

Svengali: I’m writing a novel.

Roger: Do I have to read it?

Svengali: I think you’ll like it.

Roger: Ok then. I won’t read it.

Svengali: Well, whatever you want to do. I saw Reginald earlier today.

Roger: How is he?

Svengali: He’s his usual self.

Roger: Lovely. Truly lovely.

Svengali: Do you like my outfit?

Roger: Do you have an outfit on?

Svengali: You know I do.

Roger: Well, then, it’s… passable.

Svengali: Why doesn’t…… well, I don’t want to ask you a question. Never mind. Malcom is considering leaving home.

Roger: Which one is Malcom?

Svengali: Malcom.

Roger: Oh, yes. The other one I don’t care for.

Svengali: Yes.

Roger: Hmm.

(At this point- The Author enters. He is confused and mad- mostly at himself. Everyone else freezes onstage.)

Author: Umm, I apologize. This story- This plot- Yeah, I’m not seeing it either. I’m sure it;’s there but it’s not, you know? Okay. Enough. Umm, but I don’t know what to do, and where is Reginald…. He’s supposed to be the main character? Did you know that? Ooops, you probably didn’t… I guess the audience doesn’t get to see the stage directions. So, let’s say…… I got it- Here’s Reginald!

(Author exits. Everyone unfreezes onstage. Reginald enters.)

Reginald: Father. Svengali. I hate you both. You’re disgusting and you contribute nothing to society.

(They are both smoking cocaine, marijuana, whatever you want them to be smoking.)

Reginald: Addicts. Sick. Useless. I hate you. I hate you. I can’t believe I’m the protagonist in this rotten, rotten play.

Roger: I love you, Reginald.

Reginald: Society. The world. This generation. Deplorable. Goodbye.

(Reginald enters. What a fantastic protagonist he was.)

Svengali: Shall I go get Malcom, Father.

Roger: Do.

Svengali: I’ll just call him. Malcom!

Malcom: Yes.

Svengali: Shall we do our routine for Father.

Malcom: Yes.

(They sing a duet of the chorus of “Hallelujah”)

Malcom: So, what did you think?

Svengali: Yes, tell us.

Roger:: I don’t want to.
Malcom: Why not?

Roger: I don’t.

Svengali: Be more specific.

Roger: No.

Svengali: Please.

Roger: Where’s Reginald?

Svengali: He’s not coming back.

Roger: He should.

Malcom: But he’s not.

Roger: Well I want him to.

Malcom: let’s leave, Svengali, we’re obviously not wanted here.

Roger: Wow it took you that long to get the hint.

(Malcom and Svengali leave.)

Roger: Reginald! Reginald!

(Bernice enters.)

Bernice: So, Malcom and Svengali are leaving. Sophie has left Reginald for you. Can you explain that to me?

Roger: I’m certain that I don’t want to.

Bernice: Sophie. Well…. She is….. Well, enjoy her. What do you think I should do?

Roger: I don’t know.

Bernice: I’ll stay leaving here. Is that okay?

Roger: Yes….

Bernice: Okay. Later.

(She exits.)

(Sophie enters.)

Sophie: I’m leaving you.

Roger: Fine.

Sophie: You hurt me a lot.

Roger: I know.

Sophie: You never called or wrote or touched me.

Roger: I know.

Sophie: I hate you.

Roger: I’m sure you have your reasons.

Sophie: This is goodbye.

Roger: Yes.

Sophie: You son of a b***h! (She attacks him and bites him. Then she restrains herself.) Well, I think you know what you have done wrong.

Roger: Of course.

Sophie: Reginald won’t have me.

Roger: Hmm.

Sophie: You should talk to him.

Roger: He doesn’t want to talk to me or anyone else.

Sophie. Pity. I’m to find someone new then.

Roger: Sure.

Sophie: Goodbye and I hate you.

Roger: Thank you.

(Sophie exits.)

(Malcom enters.)

Malcom: I have returned, Father.

Roger: Oh, Christ.

Malcom: Svengali has left with Sophie.

Roger: Staying single seems impossible.

Malcom: Yes. Mother and I are now dating. Oedipal relationship and all.

Roger: Whatever.

Malcom: Sophie told me about you two as she picked off Svengali on my way in here.

Roger: Yes.

Malcom: You’ll find someone.

Roger: Where’s Reginald?

Malcom: Do you really want to know?

Roger: Yes.

Malcom: I think he never existed.

Roger: Oh. Weird.

Malcom: Well, I’ll see you later.

Roger: Yes.

Malcom: Bye for now.

Roger: Where’s Reginald?

(The end.)