Needless Company

Him: Company?

Her: Yes we have company coming.

Him: I don’t want any company tonight.

Her: Well, they’re coming.

Him: Well, I don’t like that one bit.

Her: They’re coming anyway.

Him: I’ll stay in my room.

Her: You will not.

Him: I want to move to Europe.

Her: We’ll talk about this after our company has left.

Him: Let’s sing a song from the 1970 Stephen Sondheim musical, “Company”!

Her: Let’s clean the house first.

Him: I’m going to my room.

Her: What’s in your room that isn’t right here?

Him: A lack of company.

Her: How immature of you.

Him: Yes. I like being immature it sure beats having company when one wants to be alone.

Her: Doing what?

Him: No concern of yours.

Her: Aren’t I your wife?

Him: Are you?

Her: I’m not having this conversation.

Him: Who is coming?

Her: Three people.

Him: Do they have names?

Her: I guess they do.

Him: What are their names?

Her: You’ll find out when they arrive.

Him: Tell me now.

Her: I choose not to.

Him: I don’t get this.

Her: What don’t you get?

Him: This.

Her: What is “This”?

Him: Whatever it is.

Her: Okay. This is ridiculous. Get ready for our company.

Him: Do we know them?

Her: I’m not sure.

Him: How can you not to be sure?

Her: I’m just not.

Him: Maybe they’re murderers.

Her: Well, that could at least make things more interesting than usual.

Him: I can’t believe this. I’m going upstairs.

Her: No. You’;re not.

Him: Well how long will they be here?

Her: They’re spending the night.

Him: They’re doing what?

Her: Are you deaf?

Him: I am…. Shocked.

Her: Don’t be. I’m not.

Him: What world am I in?

Her: Oh, stop being so silly. I’m going out to the store for a minute. Oh, and I won’t be returning. Bye!

(She runs out.)

Him: What! Get back here! Oh, no, what’s happening here?!

(Doorbell rings.)

Him: You have got to be kidding me. Well, I’ll admit them. I have nothing better to do.

(He admits Nathan, who is wearing only a loincloth. Dexter who is wearing a diaper. And, Maxwell who is an English butler.)

Him: Um…. What is this?

Nathan: Where’s the grub?

Dexter: I need a nap. Where’s your bed?

Maxwell: I’m your new butler.

Him: Uh huh. Okay, since none of this makes any sense to me I’m going to play along here. What does your loincloth represent?

Nathan: I’m not wearing a loincloth.

Him: Um, I’m quite certain you are.

Nathan: Go to Hell.

Him: Well, it would be better than this.

Maxwell: Where do you keep the cleaning supplies?

Him: What? Oh, I really don’t need a butler. I think my wife just left me.

Maxwell: Yes, she did. She really hated you. And since I just met you moments ago, I can see why.

Him: I’m a great guy.

Maxwell: Don’t delude yourself.

Him: Who are you?

Maxwell: I’m your butler. Don’t you listen?

Him: Why am I still here?

Dexter: So, about that nap.

Him: Do you really need a nap?

Dexter: No, I’m just saying it to remain active in this riveting, meaningful conversation.

Him: Was that sarcastic?

Dexter: Good call, Genius. Will you be showing me to my chambers now?

Him: Okay. Are you three planning to live here?

Dexter: Duh.

Nathan: Umm yeah, dummy.

Maxwell: I assume butlers usually live with their inadequate masters, yes.

Him: Okay. Fine. This is some sort of practical joke.

Maxwell: No, it is not, Sir, but keep deluding yourself if it makes you happy.

Him: (Groans.) So you’re all really here to stay, and my wife has left me permanently?

Maxwell: Yes, Sir. I’m sorry to tell you how screwed you are.

Nathan: I’m going to take this loincloth off soon if I don’t get some food.

Him: You just told me you weren’t wearing a loincloth.

Nathan: Don’t lie to me.

Him: No, you really said to me that you were not wearing a loincloth.

Nathan: Just get me some food, okay?

Him: Whatever. What do you like?

Nathan: What do you have?

Him: Tell me what you like first.

Nathan: Why?

Him: Just do it.

Nathan: You’re the host. You must do what I want.

Him: I’m letting you live here rent-free.

Nathan: SO!

Him: That’s pretty damn dangerous, loincloth boy!

Nathan: Oh, no you didn’t! You’re getting it now!

Him: Bring it on, b***h!’


(They fight. Maxwell and Dexter look on bored as Hell.)

(Him comes up victorious. Nathan is dead. Why so much death? Why not?)

Him: Okay. Good enough. Do you two still want to live here?

Maxwell: Certainly.

Dexter: I just want to take a nap.

Him: Why?

Maxwell and Dexter: Why not?

Him: (Groans) Can you two fight each other to the death or something so I only have to put up with one of you?

Maxwell: No, Sir.

Dexter: I just want to nap..

Him: (Groans) Why did she leave me?

Dexter: Maybe you never left her nap enough.

Maxwell: Or maybe you just suck, Sir.

Him: So, what do you two want exactly?

Dexter: To nap.

Maxwell: To be your butler.

Him: I don’t get this.

Maxwell: There’s nothing to get, Sir.

Him: Huh. Whatever. Butler, clean the house. And, Dexter, I’ll show you to your room.

Maxwell: Very well, Sir.

Dexter: Finally. Numbnuts!

Him: Oh, I’m gonna hate this nonsense so much.

(The end.)

Reviews

[Senseless whatever]

Reads like a bipolar rant mostly.

[Randy`s Princess]

Interesting I must say litarary genius very discriptive confusing with sensible logic

[Carolina Kel]

Interesting read. It reminded me of Gilmore Girls when they talk really fast for some reason.
Made little sense to me, but I feel like that was part of the fun of this read.

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

I enjoyed this..............stage plays, novels and screen writes are not something I know much about, but I did enjoy reading it.

[Sara Mercury]

Dexter's not English, otherwise, he'd have said, "he needed a kip." (Never did understand nap as a word for a short sleep! lol) I love the part where he says "Could you two fight to the death so I only have to put up with one of you?" LOL But I would think there should be a bit more stage direction, to include some facial expressions and so on, perhaps even some hand gestures??? I can picture them in my mind - if I were directing this, I could see it clearly, but some people might not be able to. So ... ??? Funny, though.

[Mickey Anne]

I enjoyed reading it. made me laugh some. =)