Not You

Dan: Do you think my plays have any meaning?

Violet: (Again? How many times have she and Dan had this conversation?) I don’t know, Dan. You write them.

Dan: Yeah. Yeah. Hey, get off your butt and read this scene with me.

Violet: You’re such a charmer, Dan.

Dan: Hey, I never said I was any white night, Vi. Now move it over here.

Violet: Could you be any more self-absorbed? (As she crosses over to him to read his latest disaster)

Dan: I’m much better than I used to be. I used to be so much more of a whine.

Violet: So much like Woody Allen without the success and intelligence and all, right?

Dan: Okay, sweetie, you play a vulnerable girl, young, pretty, scared, frightened, weak and clinging to…

Violet: You don’t like women very much.

Dan: Don’t be silly. I like women fine as long as they don’t say much and as long as they don’t think they’re smarter than I am.

Violet: Most of us are though. I know I’m smarter than you are.

Dan: I’m getting irritated here. I need to go watch some TV. Do you know what’s on this afternoon?

Violet: How about this scene?

Dan: Huh? Oh, I don’t know. I think I’m going to trash this one.

Violet: Can I read it first?

Dan: You won’t like it.

Violet: Let me read it anyway.

Dan: No, give it to me.

Violet: I’m gonna read it, Dan. I want to see what else you think of women.

Dan: Hey I’m with you, aren’t I? We’ve been dating seven weeks now. We get along pretty well, right?

Violet: Well, no. We have nothing in common.

Dan: Well, that’s weird. I think we have plenty in common.

Violet: Such as?

Dan: Well, I don’t know but there must be some reason we started dating in the first place.

Violet: Do you think this might be why your relationships never go anywhere?

Dan: Don’t be silly, sweetie. (Tries to kiss her)

Violet: Uh, no. Just no. Not right now. Maybe never again.

Dan: Oh, geez, are we breaking up here?

Violet: Well can you give me any reason why we should keep dating?

Dan: Well, I like you.

Violet: Are you sure?

Dan: Sure.

Violet: I don’t think you’re serious.

Dan: I might be. You’ll never know.

Violet: Okay. We’re through.

Dan: Hey! I was joking! I joke. You know that. Come on. I’m just in a little rut right now

Violet: You’re always in a rut. You’re always having writer’s block. You’re always depressed. You’re always complaining of how you stepped in dog doodoo in the morning. Amnd ypu actually use the word doo-doo.

Dan: I doubt I do.

Violet: I can get the tape recorder out.

Dan: Okay. Okay. I’m a little annoying and immature but that is no reason for us… to… well…

Violet: Oh, you break up with people all the time, don’t you?

Dan: Sure, but I don’t like doing it.

Violet: You’ll be okay. You’re a nice, cool, talented, smart, funny guy, but I don’t think you’re cut out for dating yet. You’re…. your anxiety is out of control.

Dan: Oh no it isn’t. It really isn’t…. I’m just well…. I’m neurotic probably.

Violet: Well, yeah, that’s why we’re breaking up.

Dan: Huh. Can we be friends?

Violet: You know we can’t.

Dan: Well, that’s strange.

Violet: No, it isn’t and you know that, Dan.

Dan: Yeah. I guess not. I don’t know… I do care about you, Violet.

Violet: I know you do and I’ll always think and remember you, Dan. Please know that and maybe sometime we can grab lunch or something.

Dan: Okay. Sure. Yeah. Have a nice life, kid.

Violet: You too. (Exits).


Dan: Ummm… Yeah…. Obviously the breakup wasn’t that nice…. A lot of explwetives we’re said, and she called me selfish and mean and self-absorbed and a freak and a loser and a nothing, but I think this scene I wrote leaves things on a more hopeful note, and that maybe people don’t hate each other when they break up. Obviously that’s a lie, but, hey, wouldn’t that be fantastic? Yeah, that’s the end.

(Curtain.)