Totally Unknowable and Toxic

So obsessed with not being all alone… But I am never alone… I’m just not okay with the toxic environment that surrounds me. Where should I go, Oh One? Is there a place for me? I see the problem now. Thank you. I just needed to realize how much I was wasting. Wasting away, stuck in a carnival, I see the beer…. I want more…. I am completely insatiable and I am a loser and I suck, but I want to be with you forever and you must take me for who I am or all of this can be said to be dead. I should change though, huh? Is that what you’re saying? I’m not good enough for someone as literate and intelligent as you? I don’t know why I have turned to such shoddy, cheap, penny-pinching, vagabond ways but I have…. Fear…. Plain and simple…. Fear upon fear upon self-loathing, stubborness, ,loneliness, ignorance and laziness have led me to where I am today. I take full responsibility and I will stop bothering you with my tripe. But maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should fight for the right to hold you in my arms and to have the chance to make you feel wonderful all the time that I can. I suppose it never quite works out that way though and I continue to slip further and further into the abyss of s**t. But I do come back up and I realize what mistakes and errors and stupidities I have committed throughout my existence and I know I need to do better… but then I get comfortable and I go back to my former ways, mess up again, and the cylce continues until the suicidal thoughts become my only recouse from all the pain and misery. No wonder it’s an obsession of mine: misery and ignorance love company and I must be the only important one to ever feel happy in this world or the next.

I don’t want to be fake anymore. I don’t want to be tough. I don’t want to scream and I don’t want to complain. I just want to be smart and nice and capable responsible dependable experienced talented and earn enough money to not feel despair and pangs of worthlessness every day. But what do I want to do? Is there anything or was I for some reason, unbeknownst to everyone placed here to just wander and vegetate and annoy… I’m sick of all of this… This being most vague and unassuming, I know. I’m not sick of any people or events, only of myself and my timidity and fearfulness to learn or explore or grow. And it’s not okay.