Burning Misconceptions

Helen: They said I wasn't the right type. I was too fat or too skinny. Or that my eyes were too dark or too light. Or maybe they told me I was too ugly or too beautiful to live. I honestly don't remember because I wasn't paying attention.

Tyson: Don't worry about it, my dear, you'll get one of them one of these days. And if you don't, oh well, you can always satisfy me anytime you want and at the end of the day that's all that really matters. All right. Let's go out to eat something.

Helen: No, I don't feel like eating. I'm going to go lay down.

Tyson: Very well. I'll go out by myself then.

Helen: You're not going to lay with me for a while.

Tyson: No I don't handle inconsolable people very well.

Helen: But your my husband and my best friend.

Tyson: Sure but I'm also hungry.

Helen: So hunger trumps love and support, and yada yada yada.

Tyson: Maybe, I don't want to discuss this right now.

Helen: You're so selfsih. I never want to see you again.

Tyson: All right. I'll see you in a few hours then.

Helen: No I want you to move out.

Tyson: This is my house, darling.

Helen: I'll win it in the divroce suit.

Tyson: You can't even remember why you didn't get cast in a Neil Simon play- I'm sure I'll be able to keep this house in any kind of a divorce settlement, anyway I don't want to get a divorce so we'll stay married because neither one us want to live alone, we'd be dead in a matter of days. Okay I'll be back later. My hermaphrodite sibling might be dropping in. Be sure to be kind to hi--- umm he---- well, It. Be a good girl.

(Tyson exits.)

Helen: I don't want to sleep anymore.

(Beatrice enters. She is the housemaid. She is an old woman and loathes Helen and is in love with Tyson because people never love the people they should in my cynical belief system or maybe just because it adds confict- you guys figure it out.)

Beatrice: Oh, Helen, my dear, how was your audition? Were you a perfect embarrassment again?

Helen: Beatrice, darling, no, I was wonderful. I will be playing Ophelia in Hamlet.

Beatrice: You are very pretty, Helen, too bad I'm lying through my teeth. Anyway, Ophelia is right up your alley- Now let's just hope you make the decision which led to her death.

Helen: How has your day been, Beatrice?

Beatrice: It began with me seeing Tyson naked. I immensely enjoyed that. He has a beautiful bum.

Helen: I believe you have a beautiful bum, my dear.

Beatrice: Too bad I'll never let you see it again, sweetiepie.

Helen: Will you be kind enough to draw me a bath?

Beatrice: Will you be kind enough to f**k yourself?

Helen: You know I will.

Beatrice: All right, Helen, get your little butt up to your room. Your bath will be ready in about a half hour. I have a few things I must do first.

Helen: Very well. I hope you will join me.

Beatrice: Only if I'm drugged first.

Helen: You'll change your mind.

(Helen exits.)

Beatrice: (Sighs and groans)

(Doorbell rings.)

Beatrice: This should be a bother.

(She admits Vera.)

Vera: Hello, Beatrice. Where is Tyson?

Beatrice: Whoring around.

Vera: Of course. Do you have the newspaper?

Beatrice: No but I have a boot to shove up your a*s.

Vera: Charming. Shall we sit down and chitchat for a few moments?

Beatrice: Sure the princess has went upstairs.

Vera: How is the princess these days?

Beatrice: As beautiful and unbearable as ever.

Vera: Such a shame. Anything to drink.

Beatrice: If you want to get it yourself, yes. Move your a*s.

Vera: I'll be back in a minute.

Beatrice: Don't bother coming back.

Vera: But I will, Love. I will.

(Vera exits.)

Beatrice: (Sighs and groans.)

(Doorbell. Beatrice admits Steven. A gentleman of 97.)

Steven: Hello, young lady. Where is Vera?

Beatrice: She is in the kitchen.

Steven: Would you like to have sex until she returns?

Beatrice: Of course I would but the doctor has told me to lay off sex until your dead and buried.

Steven: A pox on your doctor!

Beatrice: Sit down, please.

Steven: Thank you. Sit on my lap, please.

Beatrice: I don't want to catch your impotence.

Steven: How has Vera been?

Beatrice: I don't care about her at all so I couldn't tell you.

Steven: I haven't seen her in years. Actually I've never seen her. Is she very pretty?

Beatrice: She's a pig.

Steven: Are pigs beautiful?

Beatrice: How is that senility treating you?

Steven: I can't wait to see her.

Beatrice: How did you know she would be here.

Steven: I'm a very experienced stalker.

Beatrice: Well that's fantastic, you old fart. Okay get the Hell out of here.

Steven: Please don't!

(Vera enters and runs to Steven's arms.)

Vera: You've finally come!

Steven: Yes I have. I love you so much!

Beatrice: What's going on here?

Steven: You see many years ago....

Beatrice: I really don't care. Both of you can leave.

Steven: Hm. No, I don't think so. Vera, do your thing.

Beatrice: What thing?

(Vera grabs a hold of Beatrice and chokes her out. Then picks up her inert body, pulls up a chair and ties her to aforementioned chair. She laughs.)

Vera: Come on down, Princess. It's time to play!

(Tyson enters.)

Tyson: Vera, Beatrice, old man. How is everything going?

Vera: Tyson, darling. (Kisses him.) How are you?

Tyson: Not well at all. I'm bankrupt and I'm married to a b***h. So not well at all. How have you been, Love?

Vera: I've been well. Beatrice here is in a little pickle.

Tyson: It certainly appears that way. Is she alive?

Vera: I don't know. We'll figure that out later.

Tyson: I'm surprised Helen hasn't come down to play with you fools yet.

Vera: I am too. I told her all about this. She must have forgotten.

Tyson: Yes, I'm afraid she's quite stupid. I'd play with you guys but you know I find everything about Beatrice to be a waste of time. It's a shame she's so in love with me because the moment I stop talking to her I forget that she exists. Well, I'll go sleep with Helen for a while, and then you and I can do something together. Who is this guy anyway?

Steven: Oh, I'm in drag. (Rips off her mask. Steven is actually Stephanie who is as voluptuous and as beautiful as they come.) You and I should have a good time sometime.

Tyson: Perhaps, but.... You know what? Yes, we will. Does Wednesday work for you?

Stephanie: No I leave tonight.

Tyson: Maybe next time.

Stephanie: No.

Tyson: Oh well. It was worth a try. Have a nice life.

Stephanie: The same to you.

Vera: Give me one more kiss, Ty.

Tyson: Later, Vera.

Vera: Now, Tyson!

Tyson: Or what?

Vera: Nothing, of course.

Tyson: Of course. Good night, girls.

Vera and Stephanie: Night.

(Tyson leaves.)

Stephanie: What do we do?

Vera: We could torture her but that doesn't seem all that great now.

Stephanie: No it doesn't.

Vera: Let's just leave.

Stephanie: I'll stay.

Vera: Really?

Stephanie: Yes.

Vera: Okay. Have fun.

Stephanie: (Slaps Vera on the butt.) You're a gorgeous girl, darling. Sorry nothing worked out for you here.

Vera: That's life.

(She leaves.)

Stephanie: It's just you and me, Beatrice. Get your a*s up!

(Beatrice rips off the rope and gets up).

Beatrice: Hey, Steph.

Stephanie: Hey. How are you feeling?

Beatrice: I'm fine, I guess.

Stephanie: Are you still in love with Tyson?

Beatrice: I don't want to even think about it.

Stepahnie: Will you be leaving then?

Beatrice: Yep. Bye.

Stephanie: Bye.

(Beatrice leaves.)

Stephanie: (Exits. Returns with a sleeping Helen and Tyson slung over both her shoulders. Throws them both out the front door. Locks the door. Throws a bomb out of her pocket. Quickly leaves. Curtain. Explosion.)

(End of play.)

Reviews

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

What an ending. I am not accustomed to reviewing screenplays but I found it to be quite enjoyable.

[The Analog Kid]

Reminds me a bit of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe." Needs some fine tuning. Plays rely a lot on dialogue, but there were a few here where I felt there should have been stage directions instead of overt dialogue. Thanks for sharing. I find that stage plays are easier for me to write than short stories. It is such a different approach.

Pat

[Sara Mercury]

LOL This is a comedy, obviously. And has some weird twists in it and unexpected surprises. Can't follow it very well, though. I might have to see it performed first. But I think it's rather funny. The bomb at the end was sadistic. lol Comical. Off the bloody wall!