I Couldn't Be Uglier

FADE IN:

INT. SHRINK'S OFFICE - DAY

Chris is sitting across from his shrink, Dr. Vincent. They are discussing Chris' fixation on how the Constitution brainwashes people.

CHRIS

Oh my God! OH MY GOD! The Constitution

is a lie! It's a brainwashing sham!

DR. VINCENT

What do you mean?

CHRIS

What do you mean "what do you

mean??" It's all there! Black

and white, clear as crystal! Do

you know... are you aware how

corrupt our politicians are?!

They know it's a brainwashing

device which is playing with our

minds day in and day out. Look

at the laws, doc! Look how much

they like to screw with us! How

psychotic, how REDICULOUS, how

INSANE, they are!

DR. VINCENT

(Somewhat angered)

What do you mean?

CHRIS

THE CONSTITUTION!

DR. VINCENT

(Angered)

What about it?!

CHRIS

What do you mean "what about

it?!" It's so simple! So...

ELEMENTARY! Am I the only one

who sees this!?!

DR. VINCENT

(Extremely angered)

SEES WHAT?!?

CHRIS

THE BRAINWASHING!

DR. VINCENT

What are you stupid?!

CHRIS

No, you are the stupid one!

Look, it has you brainwashed!

You're crazy!

DR. VINCENT

When you came in here I thought

you were insane! You're actually

the stupidest and ugliest person

I've ever met! And believe me,

I've met stupid!

CHRIS

I'm not stupid! You're just

brainwashed!

DR. VINCENT

GET OUT!

Chris just sits there and crosses his arms like a young child and nods his around when he speaks.

CHRIS

I'm not leaving!

DR. VINCENT

Oh...you're leaving!

CHRIS

(Immaturely)

No! You need to know about the

brainwashing of-

Dr. Vincent gets up and walks over to Chris. He grabs Chris and throws him out of his office!

DR. VINCENT

Next patient, please.

CUT TO:

INT. FUN ZONE - DAY

Josh is sitting in his chair, anxiously playing HALO. He begins to make a very angry face. He throws his controller as hard as he can!

JOSH

EFFING DANGIT! YOU QUEER BAIT!

BOBBY

Josh, what's the deal?!

JOSH

SHUT YOUR FACE!

BOBBY

Jeeze! It's just a video game!

You don't need to be so immature

and childish over a video game!

JOSH

Are you calling me immature and

childish, you moron?!

BOBBY

It's just a video game, it's not

life.

JOSH

Video games can be as real as

life! You spend so much time on

them that they can be as real as

life!

BOBBY

You and/or your parents need to

get on the ball and you need to

get out of their basement and

get a life.

JOSH

WTF!! You can attack me but

when you attack my parents you

are going too far! I'M BLOCKING

YOU ONLINE!

Josh storms out of Fun Zone, mumbling about Bobby's rudeness.

When Josh is out of hearing range, Bobby begins to dance in shout in celebration.

Bobby

YES! HE BLOCKED ME! YES HE

BLOCKED ME! ALLELUIA, ALLELUIA!

Bobby dances around the whole room.

CUT TO:

INT. BURGER KING - NIGHT

Oscar is sitting at the table with a girl, Brooke. This is his first date. Brooke gets up to get a napkin. Brooke is a complete ditz, Oscar is the weirdest guy ever. On her way back to the table she trips over her feet and falls flat on her face. Oscar begins laughing uncontrollably while rubbing his hands together.

Oscar

(While laughing; quietly)

You tripped!

Oscar suddenly breaks into a very poor rap based on Brooke's mishap.

Oscar

Ooh! You fell and made a boo boo!

You fell flat on your face, now

you're a big disgrace! I should

dump you, except you're my first

date!

She gets up and slowly seats herself back at the table with Oscar.

Brooke

Awww, you're so pooetic.

Oscar

Thanks!...poo...pooetic? What the

frick is "pooetic?"

Brooke

You know, when you rhyme?

Oscar

I'm the next shiznit rapper!

INT. KITCHEN TV SET - DAY

Jarred is standing on the set of his TV cooking program.. He looks into the camera and begins talking. He has a horrible stage presence, talks in a monotone, and generally instill the want to kill him whenever you see him.

JARRED

Hello, my name is Jarred Price,

HA. HA. HA. I was once called the

"Love child of Vincent Price."

HA. HA. HA. My name means "pizza!"

Today, I'm going to show you how

to cook toast.

Jarred stiffly walks over to the stove and grabs two pieces of bread and a stick of butter. He throws the entire stick of butter in the pan and turns the stove on high.

JARRED

I'm taking a entire stick of

butter and tossing it in the pan!

JARRED tosses the butter in the pan.

JARRED

It is in the pan! Next comes

the bread!

JARRED stiffly tosses the bread in the pan with the sizzling butter.

JARRED

I am a consummate chef. HA. HA. HA.

The toast begins to smolder and burn. JARRED smells the toast burning.

JARRED.

OH NO! I think my toast is burnt!

The director, extremely angered, yells from off stage.

DIRECTOR

CUT! CUT! CUT! You burned the toast...

AGAIN! It's the sixth time we've

tried to shoot this promo! How

are you going to be a chef!??

Since the cameras have stopped Jarred totally snaps out of his stage fright and his true personality of a total jackass shines through.

JARRED

Because my name means "pizza,"

jackass! I'm star quality, I'm

the next Vincent Price! I speak

like Patrick Stewart, and I look

like Fabio!

DIRECTOR

You loser, YOU'RE FIRED!

JARRED

You can't fire me, I'm the next

big thing! I'm better then Patrick

Stewart! How can you turn that down!?

Patrick Stewart storms onto the set with a chef's hat on and punches JARRED square in the face.

PATRICK

You think you're better than me?!

DO YOU?!?! Well I'll show you to

host a show!

CUT TO:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Chris is sitting in the coffee house. It's incredibly crowded. He's typing on his laptop and mumbling about the Constitution. Josh walks in and decides to order an expresso.

JOSH

(To waiter)

I'd like an espresso in a sippy

cup.

WAITER

Uhm...okay.

The waiter comes back with Josh's espresso in a sippy cup.

WAITER

Here you go.

JOSH

WTF! This isn't a sippy cup!

WAITER

I'm sorry, we don't have sippy cups.

JOSH

Whatever...queer bait.

Josh looks around for a seat and finds that the only open one is across from Chris. Josh sits at Chris' table. Chris gives Josh an incredibly sinister look.

CHRIS

What...are you doing?

JOSH

(Hostile tone)

Sitting here!

CHRIS

I see the Constitution has you,

too.

JOSH

WTF?

CHRIS

"WTF?" What does this "WTF" mean?

JOSH

Are you really that stupid?

CHRIS

I can see, all the Constitution

has done has brainwashed you.

JOSH

Brainwashed me how?!

CHRIS

I can't tell you how, no one can...

it's just true.

JOSH

That's so ridiculous!

CHRIS

That's what most people say.

But...you...can't deny...the

truth can you? Of course not!

JOSH

Lets talk about something else.

CHRIS

Fine...like what?!

JOSH

TV!

CHRIS

That's brilliant! We need to brain

wash people out of their warped

thinking! We should create a TV

show to brainwash people out of

being brainwashed!

JOSH

I've always wanted to do a TV

show!

CHRIS

(In amazement)

REALLY?! This is...

CHRIS, JOSH

(Unison)

DESTINY!

CHRIS

We need to brainwash people

out of being brainwashed with this!

JOSH

It should be about video games!

CHRIS

BRAINWASHING!

JOSH

VIDEO GAMES!

CHRIS

Video games brainwash people!

JOSH

WTF!?!? Video games are not

brainwashing!!

CHRIS

Do you have a life?

JOSH

Do you?!

They look at each other in realization that neither one of them have lives.

CHRIS, JOSH

(Unison)

NO!

CHRIS

It's the best of both worlds!

BRAINWASHING AND VIDEO GAMES

The WAITER comes to the table with a pot of coffee in his hand. Someone bumps into him and his spills steaming hot coffee all over CHRIS and JOSH! CHRIS begins screaming and flailing his arms.

CHRIS

OH DEAR LORD!

CUT TO: