Macabre Dance

Finn: Hey, good-looking, what do you have cooking?! Yeah, ok. I like that finger of yours best. Ahh, that did not go well, did it? I’ll get her next time. Let me introduce myself. I am Finn Finney. No, I really am. I’m a ladies man, ok,. I don’t do it as well as some, but it’s still what I’m doing for a living. This economy has been awful for finding jobs so here I am. Here comes Dodge. Hey, Dodge.

Dodge: Hey.

Finn: He’s not much of a talker.

Dodge: Yep.

Finn: See. He’s the way more people should be. Don’t you agree people talk too much, Dodge?

Dodge: Nope.

Finn: What are you talking about? Are you kidding me? What is wrong with you! You have lost all sense of who you are, and who I am, and who everyone else is. They all talk and carry on too much.

Dodge: Nope.

Finn: Forget you. Ok, here comes someone else. He’ll talk to us. Hey, stranger.

Stranger: Do I know you?

Finn: No, that’s why I called you Stranger.

Stranger: Oh.

Finn: We have an intellectual here, I see.

Stranger: Well, I am a professor at Harvard so I guess you could say that.

Finn: Get lost. We don’t need your kind here.

Stranger: Did you graduate from an Ivy League school?

Finn: I don’t remember. I know I graduated from somewhere though.

Stranger: Very well. Enjoy your day.

Finn: Here comes a girl who doesn’t hate me. She is a very rare find.

Fiona: Oh, Finn and Dodge. I love you guys. You two are so gosh darn adorable.

Finn: Aren’t we though.

Dodge: Yep.

Fiona: Well I have class soon. You know, I’m going to Harvard.

Dodge: Sweet.

Finn: Everyone’s going there now.

Fiona: You two gradated from Harvard, right?

Dodge: Yep.

Fiona: It’s such an awesome school.

Finn: It’s pretty nice but I think I transcended it pretty quickly. That’s the reason I dropped out of it so quickly.

Fiona: Where do you go to school now?

Finn: I do the whole The School of Life thing. It’s all New Age and sweet and all.

Fiona: So you’re a bum.

Finn: No, I’m a ladies man and I want you and I to have some great sex so let’s get going, sweetie.

Fiona: If you were going to Harvard I’d say yes. Where are you going, Dodge?

Dodge: Harvard.

Fiona: Do you want to have sex?

Dodge: Nope.

Fiona: Nope.

Finn: You must be pretty vulnerable right now.

Fiona: Not vulnerable enough to sleep with an unsophisticated , uneducated bum.

Finn: Very well. Move along, ugly.

Dodge: Bye.

Finn: Well, Dodge, we need someone now. I am dying here.

Dodge: Pity.

Finn: Well you’re a man of great skill and language. What do we do?

Dodge: Wait.

Finn: I don’t want to wait. I’ve been waiting my entire life. This blows. What a drag. I don’t know if I like where I am in life right now. Maybe I should go back to school or get a job or move out or do something. I’ve played a lot of video games and had a lot of meaningless sex but I’ve never really had anything that meant anything. You know what I’m saying? I don’t know, man. I’m conflicted. I’m confused. I need to find my purpose. My corner of my sky. I got nothing at the moment. A whole lot of nothing. I don’t know what’s going on or where I’m going next, or if I’m ever going to get moving at all. I don’t like this place. I don’t like this stagnation. I’m like a Chekov character or a character in one of those coming-of-age stories, but they always find their way by the end. Do you think I will too, Dodge? I’m so depressed. Maybe I’m not depressed though. Maybe I’m only desperate but that wouldn’t be much better. I’d still be unfulfilled. I am unfulfilled. I really am a bum but I don’t have to be a bum forever, but what can I do? What can I ever be good for? I mope too much. I whine too much. See, I understand all my faults, Dodge. I do. I do. I’m just having a hard time moving at the moment but tomorrow I’m going to get all my ducks in a row and do what I should have done years ago….. Oh, look, here comes someone else! Hey, dude, what are you up to?
Fran: I’m off to a class. It’s an art history class. We’re learning a lot of useless crap.

Finn: Yeah. I remember art classes. I used to be an artist. In the style of Edward Hopper. What do you think of him?

Fran: Did he paint the toilet?

Finn: Ok. Nice meeting you. You may move along now.

Fran: Thanks, dude. I’ll see you around.

Finn: He doesn’t know Hopper. That dumb a*s probably thinks Van Gogh is a brand of kitty litter. Ok, Dodge, we got to do something. This is ridiculous. Our depression is only going to continue to worsen here. I suppose I shouldn’t bed another girl because it’s going to mean nothing to her or to me, but I really want to hold someone tonight. Or I want to feel validated and worthy. I suppose it’s really all about me. You know I’ve realized I call other people too many other names, but I’m even harder on myself. I wonder why our self-hatred also becomes a hatred and disdain for others. Have you ever realized that, Dodge?

Dodge: Sure.

Finn: I know. See, you understand things. You understand the way of the world. Most people don’t. They just sit in front of their Tvs or read books endorsed by Oprah, they have no minds of their own. But we, we, my friend, we’re thinking, we’re engaging, we’re enlighttend. I’m bored. How about you?

Dodge: Nope.

Finn: Damn it, Dodge! We need to get out of this town. We need to hop in somewhere or hitchike and go on an adventure to find the purpose of life because what else is there?

Dodge: Dunno.

Finn: Do you have a car?

Dodge: No.

Finn: We’ll walk then. We’ll walk on and on until we find what it is we’re looking for. You know I saw this movie on the Indie Film Channel or the Independent Film Channel, yeah they’re actually completely different stations, I’m not even joking. Anyway, as I was saying, I was watching this movie, maybe a week ago or so, I don’t think there was anyone with a name in it, you know what I’m saying? Well anyway I’m straying from the point… The point is, well it was a good movie, see? It was about these two guys hitchhiking across America or maybe it was Belgium, and they met a bunch of prostitutesd and bikers and truckers and detectives and salesman… and all along by talking to all these different people they only realized that all that really mattered was….. And the n the movie ended. So what does that mean to you, Dodge?

Dodge: Nothing.

Finn: Oh, man. That is not helpful, man. Not helpful at all. Let’s get walking.

Dodge: No.

Finn: Then what?

Dodge: Wait.

Finn: For what?

Dodge: Her.

Finn: Oh, right. A gorgeous woman. How old do you think she is? Can’t be as much as 30. Oh my God, she has blue eyes. Here we go. I like myself a blue-eyed, brown, curly haired femme. Oh, yes, now it is time to find true love, my friend. Here we go.

Nelly: (She presents both of them with copies of a novel she has written.) I know I am beautiful and I have a gorgeous a*s and all, but I am much more than that. Do you two understand that? Of course you do. You’re both intellectual types, and you’re both insanely good-looking. What are your names?

Finn: I’m Finn, the Ladies Man.

Dodge: Dodge.

Nelly: Hmm. Interesting. Could you tell me a little about yourselves.

Finn: Nah. I don’t talk about myself.

Dodge: Sure.

Nelly: Okay, Dodge, tell me something about yourself.

Dodge: Enough.

Nelly: Wow. You’re so honest. I like that. Meet me at my place at 8. 1355 Gordon. Ok? You need directions?

Dodge: No.

Finn: Can I come too?

Nelly: You’re not honest. You don’t say anything.

(Nelly exits.)

Dodge: Hmm.

Finn: How do you do it?

Dodge: Honesty.

Finn: I’m the most honest person I know. I’m always saying what’s on my mind and what I’m feeling and thinking and experiencing and what’s going on in my life. Well, this sucks the big one, man. The ultimate big one!

Dodge: Yeah.

Finn: Well you better enjoy that Grade-A a*s tonight.

Dodge: Okay.

Finn: Why are we still standing here? Do we really believe that someone worth our while is going to come up to us and want to spend hourts talking to us? What is this, a production of “The Seagull”
Chekov: Hello. My name is Chekov.

Finn: The famous playwright?

Chekov: Heavens, no. That guy is insanely boring. I just happen to have the same name as him.

Finn: That’s messed up.

Chekov: I know, man. I know. Growing up people always asked me about My Three Sisters, and My Cherry Orchard, and My Uncle Vanya and why everyone in my family had such a difficult name to pronounce, and why I went to high society parties where everyone there complained about how boring their lives were instead of getting jobs or moving to another country, and why at least one person a day committed suicide in my family, and why I said dumb things like “I am in mourning for my life” while wearing black all the time. I don’t know and all these people that said these ridiculous things always thought they were being so original and clever. It gets exhausting.

Finn: Yeah. We’re exhausted too. See, we stand on this sidewalk all hours of the day and night,. Hoping we’ll find something and we’re always saying we’re going to get up and move and do something, but we always end up staying around here, and keep thinking, you know, things are going to pick up.

Chekov: I see. I have a feeling you have more in common with a Chekov character than you originally thought.

Finn: Don’t ever say that again, please! Now I want to kill myself!

Chekov: Now you’re the epitome of a Chekov character!

Finn: Oh, no! I am in mourning! I am sad! And I can’t move so I’ll stay on this sidewalk and bring my misery and unhappiness to all the people around me. I am so conflicted!

Dodge: Yep.

Chekov: Well, goodbye, you sad Russians you.

Dodge: Bye.

(Chekov exits.)

Finn: Well, when are we going to go and move and be somewhere else, Dodge?

Dodge: Dunno.

Finn: Oh, man.

(Curtain.)