Mr. Neurotic

I really was planning on… well, you know… loving you forever and ever. Whatever I mean by that, well, I’m not entirely sure, but it’s what I wanted to do. I really did. Maybe I’m being a little too direct… or, no, maybe I’m more vague and not forthright enough in this… umm… situation. I’m not sure. I suppose that has been my main fault… my fatal flaw, so to speak, throughout my life… I am never… well, I am always confused as to what I am actually thinking, feeling, experiencing…. Well I don’t always do much of anything. I’m a little more…. Well, I’m lost and I’m…. I’m lost, okay? Well, more than that obviously. I don’t believe one could begin to fathom how….. Well, yes. Let’s move on, shall we?

I’d be very glad to move on. I am aware you have your problems and your doubts, and your little neurotic, annoying, dependent tendencies but I don’t want to hear about them right now. I have problems of my own. Problems I don’t wish to discuss with you or with anyone for that matter. I don’t believe you and I are as close as you believe we are. You live in a constant state of denial, don’t you? Perhaps you’re not aware of that. I’m not certain. Of course as you have so plainly stated once can never be certain about anything… it isn’t just for you. You;’re not that unique or special, you know. If you don’t know that, well, I am making you very aware of that simple fact right here right now. Love. Okay. Let’s do something a little more fun than this. I cannot believe I am slumming with you today. What possessed me to believe you and I could have anything resembling a real conversation. Maybe I’m on drugs or I am desperate for some form of companionship. You could say something, you know.

I was… ummm…. I read a book by a new author last night. It was terrible. It was about a petty thief in Manhattan, if I remember correctly…. It wasn’t a very memorable story. I have an interesting story about the author, however. I went to high school with her. She and I briefly dated our senior year, I believe. When I say briefly I mean for about two or three days. We were close though although she always said I meant nothing to her, I know she was trying to keep me away… she was terrified of getting close to people… which I also was, of course, so actually you would have thought two loners would have found some great solace in each other… actually, now that I come to think of it, she was a very popular girl. She had many friends and she probably confided in all of them… It’s as though she lied to me. That lying b***h. I cannot believe I have been deluded enough to believe as I have believed since those olden days of high school. Well that makes me feel like total s**t. I was going to tell you about the rest of the book, but now I’m not so sure I want to do something like that. What has us so cynical and guarded? We’re hiding out and having conversations that are shallow and…. Pointless, for the most part. I wonder if I really have a name. Were my parents really my parents? Interesting. Did you catch the nature show about whales last night? Fascinating stuff. Let me give you an overview of what they discussed throughout this…

I must retire for the evening. Thank you for boring me so thoroughly and I sincerely hope if you ever feel like coming over again, you won’t. Good night, you a*s.

(She exits.)
Very well. That is but strike one. The next lady will be much more appreciative of my conversation, and my yearning for love at all costs I’m sure. I’m not an unattractive guy. No not at all. But what if I am? Perhaps I have always felt that I am moderately attractive when in fact all other people that observe me believe I am more than deformed and unfortunate in the way God designed me to be. Why am I bringing up God? What do any of us mean when we say, “God”. I am most neurotic and ever questioning. Could this possibly be why ladies always retire and refer to me as an a*s. One of several reasons, I’m sure. I can never quite put my finger on whether my life is tragic or comic. I suppose it will always depend on the interpretation of the person observing what I have went through. But, maybe, no one observes me at all. Some have told me I am most dull and hardly noticeable, but I think they were joking around… but maybe not. Oh, I don’t know. Okay, I’ll live now. I won’t worry or fret or complain or lie… I’m going to be myself now and just be… yes, that is what I am going to do. Please let her like me or at least be able to stand my presence without wanting to become a lesbian. I could begin hitting up nursing homes to meet women. Women over 75 think I’m incredibly debonair. Don’t they? I cannot believe I am having this dialogue with myself. I really ought to enlist some help for all the issues I have, but I won’t. Sometimes I almost believe I enjoy my misery, but I don’t… I don’t think. Well I am much more confused than I originally was.

Hello there. I’m round two. I hope you’re a vegetarian. You aren’t, are you? Well, that’s just fantastic. You like eating innocent animals, huh? Well you must be a real piece of work. I don’t want to put up with your chauvinist ways much longer. You probably think I’m an object too, don’t you? Do you want to get a little quickie, eh? Huh? Is that what you want? Well you’re not getting it, nope. We’re gonna sit here and talk about our feelings for a little while. Are you ready for that? Well, I don’t really care if you are or aren’t because here we go. Do you see a psychiatrist? Don’t answer until I’ve said all I want to say. God, am I bored. You don’t talk much. Yeah, I see this relationship just being a barrel of laughs. I’m coming out of a relatiionship with a guy who didn’t care about anything but sex and talking about how awesome and superior he was to everyone else. Yeah he was a real find. I sure can pick them, can’t I? We had to see a lot of jean claude van damme movies too. It’s one thing the guy can’t act, but he’s not even remotely good-looking. You’re not too good-looking yourself, did you know that? Yeah, you’re probably the type of guy who thinks he’s moderately attractive because at least you have pretty pale eyes, but otherwise you’re…. God, you have no sex appeal of sexual charisma whatsoever. I’m not going to say you make me puke, but you give me no exitement at all. You’re a dud. A washout. God, are you boring. You know you could talk if you’d like. I wouldn’t mind at least I could stop saying so many stupid and inane things. I don’t know about you but I am hating this date so far. Okay here’s another story about some other guy I dated. His name was Matt, I think, I’m not sure but let’s stick with the name Matt, fine by you? It better be. So he liked to play his guitar… that’s all he did and he wasn’t even that good. I always date losers, I’d like to end that streak but I don’t think any of us ever stop repeating the mistakes we’re always making. See, you look like a stereotypical loser to me so I think we should go out. Sure I find you pretentious, obnoxious, selfish, whiny, neurotic and not even handsome, but you’re right up my alley then. So where would you like to go? Oh, you know what. No I don’t think we should go out. I have a feeling you’re going to expect that we’re going to be together all the time, and you’re going to want to snuggle and all, and I don’t want to do that all that often. I think you should be able to understand this. I’m sure you’re an okay guy and all, but, please, let’s not bore ourselves to death by going to a few movies and dinners together, and talking about the paintings of van Gogh and Hopper, because I assume those are your two favorite painters. You probably like reading novels that are humorous so you can distract yourself from your sad, depressing life that never leads you anywhere but to an endless string of lonely rooms and a plethora of regrets. Yeah, let’s stop wasting our time. Good night.

(She exits.)

Well- That was- Ummm…. I think she was wrong about everything she said. I prefer Renoir to either Van Gogh or Hopper. The judgments she made about me. How presumptuous of her. Why am I here? Three different candidates and I don’t believe any of them will be okay for me. I’ll always find a fault in all of them. I don’t even know who I am or what I like or why I’m here or anywhere I ever am. I am exhausted by the fact that I never seem to know anything. I must really exhaust other people. I don’t want to be negative and paranoid, but it seems that if I’m not I’m merely silent and that doesn’t interest people either. What interests people anyway? Whatever it is, I’m not sure if I have it. I’m lost. Yep. I sure.

Hello. I’m round three. If you like me, fine. If you don’t, fine. I don’t have any expectations.

That’s cool, I guess. I don’t expect anything really. I don’t know why any of us should expect anything. I don’t know why we say, do, think or feel anything that we do. I suppose it’s some sort of survival mechanism. Deep, maybe? No I’m not. But I don’t want to define myself or others in any sort of way. I just want to be nice, funny, good-looking and caring… I wonder if I am any of those things. See I’m always asking questions and worrying about everything… I have some personal problems, but let’s not get into those. What can you tell me about yourself?

I don’t like talking about myself. I find it monotonous and pointless. It’s not worth it. Why? Let’s talk, hang out and all that stuff and we’ll come to know each other instead of forcing ourselves to disclose our interests, our pasts, our friends, our familes, our educations and our future plans to each other. The way I see it is we should just kind of let things happen as they will.

We could sing “Let It Be” then. It’s a great song. I can sort of sing. Can you?

I suppose. It is a wonderful song. Perhaps we’ll come to be best friends.

Well, maybe. You never know. I’d like to have a good friend. I’m not all that interested in being with someone romantically or forever. I just want someone I can talk to anytime about anything. That’s what I have always dreamt about. I’ve had it a few times, but things often get away from us that are so important.

Yes, it’s one of those things about life. We don’t know why and we shouldn’t worry about why that is anymore. You seem to be a nice guy. I’m sure you have many faults but as long as you don’t expect us to be together all the time and expect me to heal all your problems and wounds I think we can have something that lasts and is most meaningful.

Well I’m not opposed to it in the least. Let’s go for it. See what happens and let’s not care about what anyone else has to say about anything. Live our lives and enjoy ourselves.

Okay. What would you like to do?

I’m not sure really. What would you like to do?

Hmmm… I’m not sure. We’ll have to think of something. Let’s go.

(They exit arm-in-arm. Curtain. The end.)