Death: A Perfectly Flawed, Philosophical Comedy

Ren: I’ve been thinking about the menu for my last meal.

Bill: Well, we’ve all been thinking about that. I mean, with this horrible economy, a senseless war, greedy, money-grubbing politicians and executives, the only thing that makes any sense is your final day on death row.
Ren: I know, tell me about it. I can’t decide what I want to have though. Vegetables are definitely out. I could also do without anything healthy. I mean, I’m going to be dead if everything goes according to plan. Right? Yeah. Now I love a lot of kinds of food. Don’t I? I’m pretty sure I do.
Bill: Yes, yes, you do. Now, where is this going? Do I really care what your final meal is going to be? But, no, my major question is why are you on death row to begin with.
Ren: For murder, of course. I murdered you because I couldn’t stand you anymore with all your bad habits and your sarcastic candor.
Bill: Wait, you have thought of killing me.
Ren: Oh, sure. I think of killing people every day. You, Daisy, my parents, my boss, my teachers, my classmates, the janitors, the security guards. By the way, I may be getting a job as a security guard soon. Are you interested?
Bill: They do know you can’t lock or break open a door.
Ren: Yeah, they don’t care. They have very low expectations. Nothing ever happens at the school so it all works out for the best in the end. Do you know what I’m saying?
Bill: Not at all.
Ren: Oh, well, I don’t have time to teach you the basics of life right now. I’m a busy guy. I need to figure out the menu for my last day on earth.
Bill: I don’t think either one of us will ever plan our last meal. We’ll be eating broccoli or celery, and all of a sudden a couple of hired goons we’ll walk in, and blow us away. Then we’ll go to Heavn, hell, Limbo, or just stay in the ground forever. Or we’ll go somewhere completely different, or nowhere at all. It will all be over. Everything is over. Nothing exists anymore. Now, do you understand me? Isd any of this getting through to you, not all of it, just a little bit of it? See, we don’t know anything about life after here on earth. We are not equipped with that knowledge. What do we want to do? Do we want to belives something because ity sounds good, it empowers us, do we want to believe something just to believe something? Do we want to believe there is nothing good or holy that comes from this life here on earth? How many lives do we liove? How different are they? What is love and hatred, jealousy, and rejection? Do any of have the answers to all these questions? I just want everyone to stop being so lost, confused and pathetic.
Ren: Maybe steak. Steak’s good, but I like pancakes too.
Bill: Maybe Ihop.
Ren: I like Ihop, but I like a lot of restaurants.
Bill: You like food. Is there anything else you like?
Ren: I used to like to dance. Remember how good I used to be.
Bill: You were never good.
Ren: But I was passionate about it.
Bill: I’m passionate about women. Look at where I am.
Ren: No, no, no, I understood dance. You understand as much about women as you do about being cheerful. I’m being sarcastic, in case you didn’t know.
Bill: We both love to point out the obvious too. I’ve noticed that.
Ren: Back to death row.
Bill: I’d rather go somewhere else.
Ren: I’m thinking of joining al qadea. To get good health care.
Bill: Yes, but you’d have to get imprisoned first.
Ren: I’m sure I could get imprisoned.
Bill: You could. You’ve never had a detention begfore, but, sure, you can be an inmate.
Ren: I know why people hate you. You know why? Not talking now, eh? Have I turned up too high Is your fear and nothingness beginning to kick in? Are you feeling a little less than adequate now. I see how it is with you. It’s taken me a long time, but now I see where your pain and torment comes from. I see how it is. Yes, I do.
Bill: I’m thinking burgers.
Ren: I like burgers, but from where?
Bill: They’re all good.
Ren: What’s wrong with you? Listen to yourself. They’re all good? Come on, that;s an awful lies even where lies are concerned. That’s awful. You need to, ok, now listen closely, and don’t use any of your sarcastic humor right now, I ddon’t have the patience to deal with it. Here we go. Now, burgers are great if they’re done the right way. But some burgers aren’t as juicy or tastry as others. You havwe to cook them the right way. They have to be the right way or else they will taste disgusting and soggy and I will hurl. Haven’t you found this in yopur experience of liking and disliking certain kinds of foods.
Bill: This weekend, I’m thinking red for the living room.
Ren: Black, maybe.
Bill: Awful. Let’s just demolish the house and call it good.
Ren: Here we go.
Bill: So we both have dates for Sunday. Church dates. So if we want to sit with women we have to go to church.
Ren: Oh. What kind of a church.
Bill: They’re al;l the same
Ren: Now, now, that’s not right. Let’s back it up here. You’re being topo ridiculous
Bill: You use too many you statements. You’re always accusing me, it’s always my fault, you never take responsibility for anyu of your anger or stupidity./
Ren: Remind me why we live together again
Bill: I have forgotten.
Ren: We still haven’t done much about the last meal business.
Bill: I’m heading out for a minute. I have to go get bread.
Ren: We have plenty of bread. It is love we don’t have.
Bill: I don’t believe love is sold in stores or anywhere for that matter.
Ren: Look anyway.
Bill: I won’t. Be back soon. (He exits)
Range enters.
Range: Hi Ren.
Ren: Range. How much longer?
Range: Twenty-five years, more or less.
Ren: Until?
Range: I’ll get back to you on that one.
Ren: How often do you think of death?
Range: Never. I’m not even thinking of it as we’re talking about it. That’s not unusual though. I gave up thinking a while ago, right after I flunked my last exam. Since then I’ve had nothing but A’s. Of course I haven’t felt since that time either, but grades are all that really matter. You have no worries and fears as long as nothing means anything to you, unless you care that nothing means anything to you. If that’s the case it’s either suicide or a lifelong threat of a heart attack and overabundant strength. Nah, I’m very carefree these days. Nothing bothers me. Nothing bothers me. Nothing bothers me. I even know that nothing bothers me, and that doesn’t bother me, because that’s how I should be. If everyone were as passionless, thoughtless and as carefree as me- could you imagine how happier of a world we’d be in right now. I don’t understand why people are so angry and loud these days. They need to chill out and just enjoy the sights, sounds and folks around them instead of calling everything and everyone a fake. You can see even as I am pointing out humanity’s foibles and failings, I am calm and serene, and I just want them to be happier people, living much fuller lives.
Ren: I think about it all the time.
Range: What?
Ren: Death and all that is connected to it.
Range: Well, don’t. Just embrace life and all its complications and contradictions. It is fun when you don’t care, don’t worry and just succeed and excel at everything since it has no reason or purpose to you.
Ren: I don’t even understand what your philosophy of life is.
Range: Well I don’t usually enjoy getting philosophical about something like life, but I will just for you because I care about you, and you mean a lot even though you really don’t. See- that’s how complicated this can get if you care too much, although I don’t understand this caring and concern bit, I’ll give it a shot.
Ren: Let’s stop right here. Before you walked in I had never seen or heard from you before in my life, but I knew who you were, your name, and I thought I knew you, why is that?
Range: Let’s not get into explananations and such, you know me, I know you, we never had to meet or see each other before for that to be true.
Ren: How does that work?
Range: No one knows, and no one, especially you, should care or be concerned about it because either way thiongs will not change too much as they are. Sure, they’ll change eventually but it’ll be so slow you won’t know until it’s far too late
Ren; should we go to war/
Range: why should we kill? What does it do? I’m not a big fan of human life, although I enjoy it although I never feel I am enjoying it, but why kill and destroy? That’s so easy. Anyone can do it. Now saving and improsingf lives, that’s hard, that’s worthy, I can kill, but I’m not so sure I can save. I can talk about compassion and kindess, but can I physically save another, I’m not sure. I’m ok with that siocne there are those who can, I don’t regret it, but no, war has no relevance, we never talk to others enough that’s why so many die, we don’t care about others as much as we ought to because we’re so afraid of oursslves being losers and failures. Maybe if we cared abojut others a little bit more we wouldn’t feel like such losers and failures all the time. We don’t care and we don’t really talk,. Even the passionate ones are just absorbed. Now people may not always understand or like what I say, but I say what I say and I will stand by my mellow beliefs until my time here is up. I know you’re hearing me
Ren; I am,. I am, but what does it all mean? I didn’t think this was for real. I’m so confused.
Range: I don’t know what to tell you. I come here telling you how to be happy and loving and carefree and you can’t understand yet, but that’s actually very common. See we liove in times of cynicism and hatred,. Everyone’s scared and they want the best for themselves and their families, but mostly for themselves, because we’re all quite selfish abnd I was before I became content with the fact that not everything can be perfect and carefree, but that I could be because it doesn’t all matter that much, but killing needs to end. Let’s save lives, there’s a challenge, there’s something to aspire to. Do you wish to kill men, women, children because they’re taking your jobs, they’re living on land that only belongs to people because they were born there, it’s silly, isn’t it? Can one help where one is born? Can one help being born at all.
Ren: is the next topic going to have do with suicide.
Range: I don’t see why not. I’ll talk about anything you’d like to discuss. If suicide is what you w ant, then let’s get into it. Life is great, no doubt. We are all great, no doubt. But none of us choose to come into this world, we can all agree to that.
Ren: I don’t think I want to hear someone say suicide is ok.
Range: it’s hard to follow, I know. When I was passionate about whatever I was passionate about,. Or outraged about, I felt the same, but then I came to realize that none of us choose to be here. Some d eity does, but basically our parents do. Even if we love our parenjts, which I did when I believed love was still worthehile, but since none of us can ever really know what love is maybe it’s ajust a word or an idea that iis thrown around like care and relevance.
Ren: You’re debunking evetruthing. Why is life worth living then if nothing means anything asnymore./ if it’s all, are we just leapimg then
Range: it’s not necesasarily leaping or anything, it’s just what it is. Let’s not go all out for explanations and evidence, let’s not worry about whether it’s true or not, but let’s do everything in our power to be nice, happy, fulfilled people.
Ren: but what if it isn’t true, what if it’s all wrong and we’ll burn fotrever and ever, with no chance of redemption, or, I don’t even know.
Range: Just calm down, don’t think, just enjoy and be happy.
Bill: Hi guys.
Ren: Hey. What do you think the meaning of all this is?
Bill: The meaning of what?
Ren: Life and existence, of course.
Bill: There is no meaning. Hasn’t Range told you?
Ren: Yeah, but… Where did he go? Who was he anyway? I’m so confused. I feel like a hollow man. You know what I’m saying? But if you believe in nothingness like Range, why are you unhappy yet he’s happy.
Bill: Well nothing means anything so it doesn’t have to mean anything. Don’t you see? You, like so many other people of today are looking for meaning and purpose where there cannot possibly be any explanations for the futility and stupidity of modern life. There’s a reason our world is such a disgrace since we have all come to realize whether we’ve admitted to it or not that nothing means anything. We just happen to be here. No one knows how we got here or where we’re going, or how we could get anywhere else. We only have the opinions and observationas of others to help us through this physical malaise of a world. Why am I not happy? Because I am not content with this explanation of there being some meaning. If we’re here, there should be some reason why we’re here other than getting educations and careers and hanging out with friends, eating, drinking, reading, writing, talk9ing, lecturing, being pains in other people’s asses. I don’t know why I’m unhappy and I don’t know why her’s happy except for the fact that he seems to be content with there being no purpose to our lives, he says yea to it, I say things should improve but at this point I am too full of hopelessness to ever go about making things better since although I want this world to be a better place I believe for certain that it is doomed to be a very boring, empty wasteland of nothing for as long as we all shall live.
Ren: What did you get at the store?
Bill: I went fishing instead. I didn’t catch anything either. Maybe next time.
Ren: Do we have anything for dinner?
Bill: No. We’re out of everything. Completely empty. Let’s go read some T.S. Eliot and Matthew Arnold poetry.
Ren: This can’t be true. I want to believe in God.
Bill: Believe in Him all you want. He doesn’t seem to want to say or do much of anything if He even exists. In either case he sucks since he doesn’t prevent any of the wickedness in the world from flourishing. But, what can you do, right?
Ren: Let’s pray! God, show yourself, you jerk!
God: Ok, ok, I’m here.
Bill: Where the Hell have you been, you jerk!
God: I don’t know. I don’t know. I’ve been busy err….
Bill: Skip it. Being busdy does not excuse the fact that you never seem to stop evil from running rampant in this world. You’ve been very disappointing, you know.
God: Hey, I really didn’t think free will would mess things up this much. Well, actually I did I guess I just thought … well it didn’t look nearly as bad awhen I looked into the future as it does now. Ok, so maybe just maybe things could have been better. But, see, it really wasn’t my fault, maybe I allowed people to murder, maim and screw each other over, but I didn’t actually do anything.
Bill: Didn’t Edmund Bruke say….
God: Please, no quotes, please. I’ve heard them when I finally decide to visit people in humanb form and voice. Yeah, well Burke wasn’t God, I am
Bill: He should have been
God: Hey I haven’t done all bad. There’s a lot of good things in this world. There’s a lot of happiness. Sure a lot of religious people are fools but a lot of them genuinely care for others and do good works for me and all, and I know them by name.
Bill: And all the innocents and the lovely that have been murdered for no other reason than in your name, what exactly was the purpose of that? Hopwe about holocausts and the Inquisitions and other senseless wars fought for senseless reasons, just based on skin colore, age, sexual orientation, etc. Can you really tell us the answer to any of these questions?
God: well.
Bill: Mental illnesses, birth deformities, special-needs, egomaniacs, motor mouths, insurrections, robberies, brutalities, asasholes and total shenagniagans and manifestations of evil and wrongdoing. How about sexual molestation and rape, venereal diseases. What hasd been the prupose of all this. Why should anyone believe in you if you never bother to really show yourself except through your Word which you had a bunch of flawed, mortal men write. See you’re not looking too good under close scrutiny.
God: Well I’m God and I sent my one and only Son to die for you so you don’t deserve any explanations for all the wrongdoings and stupidiutes I have allowed to ruin this world for years. I am simply more powerful and better than you, and that’s all there is to it. I am petty and jealous. I’m not all that nice, andf I don’t visit or care all that much which I think I hjave made very clear throughout my life, but….. ok I’m running into a deadend here.
Ren: Just tell us about the afterlife. And wherer will homosexuals go? Was Paul right about all his sexism, racism and homophobia or did he lose his senses for a while and just spoke like an early incarnation of Hitler for a while?
God: Well I know the answer but I think you two should continue to read the Bible, stay away from all other sources of religious works which may chasllenge or change your beleiufs. You were both raised Christian, why change that? Just get rid of all your nihilistic thoughts and negativity, and believe that as long as you do everything as the Bible says except for the things that aren’t really true or the entire Old Testament actually, you’ll get eternal life and all that jazz. That’s all I can really say I can’t be too specific. I’m a pretty private, enigmatic Supreme Being I can’t spoonfeed it all to you. Come on. I’m gone.
Ren: Well that didn’t help at all.
Bill: No. No it didn’t. I think we’re more confused than we were before.
Ren: Yes, it’s very disappointing. I don’t know what to do. No one really explains anything. Well at least Range said nothing matters and to be happy about it, but God said things will be perfect, be happy and just do what the book I never bothered to write said.
Bill: I think Range has got the right idea. Let’s not care. Let’s do whatever. We’re nopt going to murder or rape or cheat anyone out of money except if we kill in self-defense or something. I don’t plan to steal, those are univerdal laws they have nothing to do with religion. And let’s allow people to peddle their petty beliefs as though they’re important and fresh ideas. Let’s just be happy, have fun, eat well, drink well and not worry about the afterlife. Since there are only questions and no answers, there’s nothing to worry asbout. Instead of making ourselves miserable and feeling guilty about something with no explanation, we’ll just enjoy our lives and everything that comes with them. Let’s go to the store.
Ren: Ok.

(End. Curtain.)