Family Counseling

Mark: There’s nothing wrong with us. We’re fine. Now, Gabe will be coming soon. He and I are going to hit the town and have some fun.

Sandy: That’s the problem. You’re in love with Gabe.
Mark: I am entitled to be in love with you, Gabe and anyone else I want to be in love with. I like being in love with more than one person at a time. When you and I first married I was in love with at least six other women. No men at that point. Those didn’t come along for many more years.
Sandy: Mark, do you really think this is working out?
Mark: We’re doing very well. I love you, not as much as Gabe but I still love you. In my eyes you’re as adorable today as the day I married you.
Sandy: Could you, me and Gabe have some fun together?
Mark: Now that’s just sick, Sandra. I will leave you if you ever bring up such a sick thing again. A man does not sleep with his wife and his lover especially when he and his wife vowed to have a monogamous life together.
Sandy: Yeah, you have sort of broken that vow, haven’t you?
Mark: Well, sure, but you knew about it. Kind of. Well, you do now anyway and for the most part you’re ok with it, aren’t you?
Sandy: I guess. I suppose you could have an uglier lover than Gabe.
Mark: Sure I could. Such as your sister.
Sandy: I’m surprised you and she never had an affair.
Mark: We did. It did not wash.
Sandy: She always wanted a kid.
Mark: Well, I got her pregnant.
Sandy: Oh yeah? What happened?
Mark: She’s due in the next week.
Sandy: I really need to see her more often. I haven’t seen her in two years.
Mark: It’s a shame you and I were never able to have a child. You really should get a lover.
Sandy: I’m ok with being trapped in a pathetic marriage.
Mark: Whatever works, right?
Sandy: Exactly. I’ll start dinner. It appears that I’ll be dining alone tonight.
Mark: You know what? Let me call Gabe. The three of us will enjoy dinner here tonight.
Sandy: That sounds wonderful.
Mark: We won’t kiss and flirt with each other too much in front of you. Don’t worry.
Sandy: Oh, don’t worry about it. Do whatever you want. I’ve been dying to meet this man. Is he handsome?
Mark: No he’s very ugly.
Sandy: Ugly can be good too.
Mark: He’s probably the ugliest guy I’ve ever met. He has tons of scars and pimples, and he wears horn-rimmed glasses. He’s also a male hustler. I don’t think he’ll be wearing anything but a skanky schoolgirl skirt tonight.
Sandy: That’s fine. I’ll just wear my usual two sizes too large sweatshirt. What will you be wearing?
Mark: I was considering dining nude.
Sandy: Whatever you want, love. (Kisses him. Leaves.)
Mark: (Dials number. Calls.) Hi, Gabe. You need to pose as my lover tonight. Wear a skimpy skirt. Ok. Bye.
Sandy: Is he coming?
Mark: He just needs to get his skirt on. He’s very fat though. It’ll take a while.
Sandy: How much does he weigh?
Mark: A ton, give or take.
Sandy: I hope Gabe really exists.
Mark: As do I. I mean, he certainly does. Do you think I’d make up a male lover to make you jealous, you silly?
Sandy: You do lie a lot.
Mark: Good point. However, Gabe exists. He is all man and a whole lot more.
Sandy: Does that mean anything?
Mark: Only that he’s sexy.
Sandy: But you said he was ugly.
Mark: Oh yeah. Well it’s very complicated.
(Doorbell.)
Mark: There he is. Gabe! (Embraces Gabe passionately. Gabe returns the favor. Becomes mad struggle on the floor.) Ok, lover. We’ll save that for after dinner. Gabe, darling, this is the wife.
Sandy: Hello, Gabe. You’re as ugly as Mark said.
Gabe: (Truly is the ugliest creature on earth but possesses a fine speaking voice.) I thank you, Madam. I only wish your deadbeat husband here would marry me and divorce you. That would fulfill all of my wildest dreams.
Sandy: Well maybe he’ll kill me.
Gabe: We can only hope.
Sandy: Are you married Gabe?
Gabe: Yes.
Sandy: How is he?
Gabe: I’m married to a woman, harlot.
Sandy: Is she ugly?
Gabe: Not as ugly as you.
Sandy: The only person as ugly as I am is you.
Gabe: Well-spotted.
Sandy: I jest though. I find you very sexy.
Gabe: That’s wonderful, madam, but I find you repulsive.
Sandy: When I strip, you won’t. Dinner will be served momentarily. Sit down, make out, have an orgy, but keep it down and then we’ll eat. (Exits.)
Gabe: Out of curiosity, Mark, why am I posing as your ugly, s****y male lover?
Mark: It makes things a little more interesting around here. We have both been more than bored lately.
Gabe: Ok. Good enough for me. Have you had many lovers?
Mark: Good Lord, no, but I enjoy pretending that I have. Now she says she has never had any lovers but I know she has. Apparently we love lying to each other.
Gabe: Well as long as the lies keep the relationship entertaining, who cares if you can’t have trust? How do you know she’s had lovers?
Mark: The guys tell me all the time at work. The say hey you’re wife gave me a time last night. Your wife is one fine woman. You’re wife sucked my d…
Gabe: They’re that subtle about it, huh?
Mark: Well, you know the guys.
Gabe: Why would I know the guys? I hardly know you.
Mark: It is funny I chose you to be my imaginary lover, isn’t it?
Gabe: Hilarious. Do you think she has a guy in there with her right now?
Mark: More than likely. It might be your brother Tommy.
Gabe: What’s he doing these days?
Mark: Banging my wife I suppose.
Gabe: Would I enjoy screwing your wife?
Mark: None of her affairs have ever been that impressed by her. I was never too impressed by her sloppiness either.
Gabe: That bad, eh? You can take my wife any day.
Mark: As strange as it seems I believe my wife and your wife had an affair.
Gabe: Is anyone not having affairs these days?
Mark: Well I’m not but that’s because I refuse to pay for the service of screwing.
Gabe: Yeah, it was never that great anyway.
Mark: I agree. I always thought it was grossly overrated.
Gabe: Do you want to try having sex with me then?
Mark: We don’t have to do that much method acting.
Gabe: Ok. If you change your mind, let me know.
Sandy: Someone ate all the food. We’ll have to go out.
Mark: Let’s just talk. The three of us.
Sandy: How long have you two been seeing each other?
Gabe: Well, madam, I’m glad you brought that up. Marky and I have been seeing each other for nine months now, and as hard as this may be for you to believe we are legally married.
Sandy: Oh, Gabe, I’m not that stupid. You said only moments ago that you wish Mark would divorce me.
Gabe: Madam, I know what I said and what I meant. Isn’t it funny how often we lie to each other to give others’ the impression that what they want to be true really is true. No, madam, I’m afraid Mark and I really were married four months ago while you and Mark have in all actuality been divorced for years.
Mark: I’m afraid it’s true, Sandy. So, in all reality I’ve never actually cheated on you. I win.
Sandy: What have you won? Being the biggest double-dealing, horny a*****e to ever been born?
Mark: Sure. I can live with that.
Sandy: I hope you rot in Hell.’
Mark: That does seem the most logical place to rot.
Sandy: I’ll be back.
Gabe: Skirts are not comfortable. Have you ever worn one?
Mark: I haven’t. However, I’ll give one a shot this weekend.
Gabe: What are you doing this weekend?
Mark: Why? Do you want to go golfing or something? Look, Gabe, you can pose as my lover any time you want, but I don’t think we should become friends or anything. I don’t think we have too much in common.
Gabe: Oh, I see how it is. Slam bam and thank you, ma’am, huh? I’m only good for some pleasure and making the little lady jealous. I’m just a piece of meat, eh? But, no, if I want to be a valuable person in your life and spend some time getting to know the real you, you just give me a little pat on the bum and tell me to go nice with all the other ladies. Well, mister, I refuse. I am all natural and I am not going to put up with your chauvinist ways any longer. You best go find pleasure with another man because it ain’t gonna be with me no more. Bye, bye, b***h.
Mark: I did not see that one coming. Ok. Maybe she’s turned on by this point. Sandy, come in here, or I’ll come get you myself.
Sandy: What do you want?
Mark: Gabe left me.
Sandy: That’s a shame because here is Gabe’s wife, Susan.
Susan: Hello, Pig.
Mark: Hello, you b***h.
Sandy: Do you two know each other?
Mark: We’ve slept with each other numerous times.
Sandy: How did it go?
Mark and Susan: Had better
Mark: Sandy, you’re even a better lay than that piece of cabbage.
Susan: Not my fault someone can’t keep their wee-wee up.
Sandy: Ok, both of you get out of my house.
Susan: No, no, no, sweetheart, you and I have some business to attend to. You’re going to get more than you expected tonight especially if you keep up this smart, sharp tongue of yours.
Mark: Susan, the gig’s up. Get your a*s out of here.
Susan: That was a quickie, eh?
Mark: Yes. You’re hilarious. Get out of here.
Susan: Will do. We’ll screw Saturday.
Mark: No we’re both committing suicide tonight.
Susan: Sunday, then?
Mark: That will be fine. Good night.
Susan: Good night. Sandra, take care of this piece of s**t.
Sandra: Will do. Night.
Mark: You must find me sexy now.
Sandra: No. I’ve just filed for divorce. Good night.
Mark: Great.

(Curtain.)