That's Unfortunate

Vincent: Hey, Brad! I finally got a date.

Brad: What’s wrong with her?

Vincent: A lot of things!

Brad: I’d assume so!

Vincent: They’re releasing her from the ward today!

Brad: Oh, she’s insane.

Vincent: Well, yeah.

Brad: I don’t know if I see this going well.

Vincent: Hey, I’m 39, it had to happen eventually.

Brad: That’s true. I hope you two will be very happy, and will not kill each other.

Vincent: Well, we’ll see.

(Doorbell rings)

Vincent: That’s her!

Brad: Get the door. I’m going upstairs.

Vincent: Will you be back?

Brad: Yeah, the game is on at 6. I’ll be back in three hours.

Vincent: Ok. We might be making out down here.

Brad: Don’t worry. I’ll be prepared.

Vincent: Ok. See you later.

Brad: See you. (Exits.)

Vincent: (Opens door.) Hey!

Anna: Hi. I used to be a man. Is that ok?

Vincent: Sure. I’ve been gay before.

Anna: You’re weird.

Vincent: Yeah, I have problems. Come in. Come in. Would you like something to drink?

Anna: No. I would like to vomit though. Where is your bathroom.

Vincent: We have a port-a-potty in the sideyard.

Anna: Charming. I’ll be back.
Vincent: Ok. I’ll miss you.

Anna (Sprints off.)

Vincent: Brad, she went to the bathroom.

Brad: (Off). That’s a shame.

Vincent: I love her.

Brad: I knew you would.

Vincent: She’s gorgeous.

Brad: Really? I heard she looks like Vincent van Gogh.

Vincent: Who told you that?

Brad: I don’t remember.

Vincent: That’s weird.

Brad: Yeah.

Anna: (Re-enters.) Hi. I’m back. You make me ill.

Vincent: That’s good, right?

Anna: So. (Sits down) What’s wrong with you?

Brad: (Enters.) He’s a tortured idiot.

Anna: Hello. You’re sexy.

Brad: Yes I am. It’s a shame you’re such a dog.

Vincent: So, Anna, would you like to make out?

Anna: No. No. I love this guy.

Brad: My name is Brad. I don’t want you.

Anna: Do you have a lover?

Brad: No but no lover is much better than a dog like you.

Anna: Am I that ugly?

Vincent: You’re gorgeous!

Anna and Brad: Shut up!

Vincent: I’m leaving. (Exits)

Anna: (Walks up to Brad. Slaps him.)
Brad: Ok. That was sexy. (Kisses her.) You used to be a man, didn’t you?

Anna: Yes.

Brad: What was your name?

Anna: Arnold.

Brad: Were you better looking as a man?

Anna: Of course.

Brad: Ok. Then this will work. (They embrace, and fall on the sofa).

Vincent: (Enters.) I think the three of us should be a couple.

Brad and Anna stop making out.

Brad: Vincent, you need to move out. Anna and I are an item now. She will be my new bedmate.

Vincent: Where will I go?

Brad: Heaven or Hell in the end. But until then, I think you should move in with your Mother.

Vincent: Again?!

Brad and Anna: Yes!

Vincent: Ok. I’ll leave. Bye. (Exits.)

Anna: So, I’m beginning to feel a little less in love with you.

Brad: That’s how I like it.

Anna: Now you’re sexier than ever.

Vincent: (Enters with suitcase). I’m leaving.

Brad and Anna: Good-bye, loser.

Vincent: Good-bye.

Anna: You’re a disgrace.

Vincent: I know.

Brad. Very well. Be on your way. You’re wasting space and time.

Vincent: One last thing. Brad, Anna is your long-lost twin sister.

Brad and Anna: Damn!

(Curtain.)