War

Dick: So, I’m going to declare war on them.

Bollocks: Well, that’s always a possibility, yes. But we could attempt to talk to them. Couldn’t we at least attempt to understand their position?

Dick: No! No! No! I don’t have to understand their position. I already know they’re bloodthirsty lunatics who would like to see nothing more than my death!

Bollocks: Well, I wouldn’t mind to see your death, sir. You’re a pain in the neck, sir. We must fight? We must destroy? We must kill so that those killers will never kill again? Why do they kill anyway?

Dick: They’re lunatics! Why else would they kill? They’re lower than scum! They’re unadulterated swine! They will burn in Hell after we have smoked them out!

Bollocks: Possibly or maybe we will burn in Hell. Or all of us will go to Hell. Or there is no Heaven or Hell. It’s entirely possible that we’re all gods and can do no wrong, so I suppose we can get away with killing each other, but I don’t think I want to be a part of killing people. What’s good in that? Am I supposed to feel accomplished and validated as a human being? So we’re choosing to destroy them because we don’t agree with them? And we don’t think they know themselves as well as we know them? I don’t….. Ok, I digress, sir. Since you are bent on killing these people you don’t know the first thing….. Ok, fine. Go ahead. Give up. I don’t care anymore. Why not? Let’s go to war! Right now! Let’s kill them, destroy them, and avenge ourselves with death and damnation!

Dick: Assume for a second they declare war before we do, shall we accept? Or must we challenge them, giving us the upper hand?

Bollocks: Sir, what the Hell? It’a a f*****g war. Who gives a s**t? We’re going to die and be severely depressed either way. If a war comes up and they are inevitable since humans are such debases, yes, we’ll accept, we’ll fight, we’ll do everything in our power and we’ll lose or come to something akin to a victory although millions will be dead. All we can do in good conscience is accept and fight them, smoke them out because we love to kill. Killing is much easier than going through peace negotiations and having communications, and such, God forbid we make an effort to understand and come together. Let’s just give into our basest animal instincts and bomb the luckless b******s! We obviously never want to talk. Talking and empathy…. Overrated, sir.

Dick: Yes. I hate to talk. It’s boring and challenging. Killing is the way to go. I never know what they’re saying, and they don’t know what I’m saying. It makes for an awkward, boring, frustrating time where everyone gets pissed off. After attempting to speak and make sense out of our dispute, we go to war and f**k each other up anyway, so let’s do that now and just skip the talking s**t.

Bollocks: Well, then, Sir, let’s train the children to kill and not give a s**t for anything other than their own happiness and power. That way they will not have to go through the triviality of speaking to and understanding others.

Dick: Sounds good to me. Let me call it in. (On Phone.) Yes. We’re declaring war on you b******s! Prepare to perish! (Hangs up.) Finished. We’re at war. Let the deaths commence.

Bollocks: Very good. I wonder how many innocent lives we’ll lose this time?

Dick: Thousands. Millions. Billions. Zillions. Doesn’t really matter. They’re just people. As long as I stay alive it doesn’t matter in the least. Anyway, they’ll be losing their lives for the good of this great country so it won’t be in vain or anything. So, get over your melancholic thoughts. And if you die, you had a few good years.

Bollocks: Yes. I suppose, Sir. I suppose. Wait…. We’re going to kill these men because….. Wait… I think I have just slipped back into reality for a moment… Why are we fighting this war? What was the reason? I don’t know what it is. Do you? Do you care? Or is killing just fun to you? God, human beings are stupid, self-absorbed pricks!

Dick: Of course I do. We’re fighting because…… Well…. They pissed us off!

Bollocks: My wife pissed me off I guess I should nuke her a*s too.

Dick: I don’t see why not. If someone pisses you off or makes you look the fool, you’ve got to show them what’s what and eliminate them from existence.

Bollocks: All right. I’ll just slip right back into a nihilistic s**t-hole of a universe again here. I can’t bear reality anymore. Yes! Let’s kill these sons of b*****s because they don’t do exactly what we want them to do, and they are inferior to us in all ways!

Dick: They deserved to be killed! Let’s kill some more!

Bollocks: Wait! They deserved to be killed? What did they do, again?

Dick: Oh, you know, at some point in their squalid, pathetic lives they did something such as beating up their wives or robbing a store or making a person feel like s**t and for all those reasons: they deserve to die.

Bollocks: Fine. Whatever. I’m apathetic again.

Dick: I have word from headquarters that we have smoked them all out. All three zillion of them. We only lost 950 billion men. And you and I never had to fight.

Bollocks: Yes. We’re fantastic men. Doesn’t it ever bother you that only your own comfort means anything to you?

Dick: Of course not. And if anyone thinks less of me for that reason, they are fools and morons, and we should smoke them out too! And no one should ever expect to change or apologize for I have done nothing wrong.

Bollocks: Of course, sir. Well, let’s find another country to nuke and destroy because we’re bored and stupid.