My Romance

Scott: Oh, hi, Charlie. It’s nice to see you but you won’t be able to stay long…. I kind of have someone visiting tonight. Well, maybe. I’m not sure yet, but I think she’ll come.
Charlie: She? Is it a date? Are you finally going on a date after twenty-five years of getting nothing?
Scott: Well, maybe, and this is not about getting anything. I just want to be her friend. That’s all, I think. But, hopefully she’ll be coming by, but it’s not really a date. We were just going to hang out, but most girls aren’t comfortable enough to hang out with me, but she said if she remembered she’d be coming by.
Charlie: Well, let’s assume she forgets. Let’s just play with that possibility for a moment. What will you do then?
Scott: Well, if that happens, and it may happen, but if it does….. you and I can do something.
Charlie: I don’t know if I like that idea or not. I was just hoping you’d have something to eat. Do you?
Scott: Oh, well, not really, no. There’s mayonnaise. By the way- did you buy that because I hate it?
Charlie: I don’t buy things I have people buy them for me, but, yeah, the mayonnaise is mine. I’ll just get it out of your way. (Opens fridge) Oh, look, you have some salami too. I’ll get that out of your hair as well.
Scott: No, no, I like salami. I can keep that.
Charlie: Are you sure? It looks a little stale.
Scott: Then let’s throw it out.
Charlie: No, no, don’t worry stale meat is my favorite.
Scott: I need to run out for a minute. I’ll be right back. (Exits).
Charlie: Okay. I’ll be here.
Scott: If she comes in, just be nice. (Exits).
Charlie: No problem. (Eats the meat).
Charlotte: Hi. Where’s Scott?
Charlie: He went out. Salami?
Charlotte: No, thank you.
Charlie: So, you two going to do some canoodling, huh?
Charlotte: Oh, I doubt it.
Charlie: I think you should.
Charlotte: We may but I don’t see it going well for either of us.
Charlie: Oh, you might be surprised. Those lips have been dormant for so long they’re bound to knock your socks off.
Charlotte: No man could ever knock my socks off.
Charlie: I could but you’re not my type.
Charlotte: Well that’s good since I find you repulsive.
Charlie: Really? But I love you.
Charlotte: What do you do?
Charlie: I do enough. That’s all a girl like you needs to know about me.
Charlotte: What kind of girl am I?
Charlie: Small and innocent, but underneath that you’re just another superior thinking and acting b***h.
Charlotte: Does Scott agree with your assessment?
Charlie: No, Scott probably just loves you. You’re definitely his type.
Charlotte: I don’t like that.
Charlie: No one likes him but he can’t help who he likes. Just give him a shot.
Charlotte: No he has too many problems for my liking.
Charlie: What do you want then?
Charlotte: A guy who has some passion and interest in him.
Charlie: (Kisses her). Here he is.
Charlotte: (Breaks away). Ok, you kiss well but I don’t know anything about you yet.
Charlie: (Slaps her hard on the bottom) Do you really need to know anything else?
Charlotte: Don’t you ever slap me there again!
Charlie: (Repeat). Don’t tell me what to do, sweetheart, then maybe I’ll treat you a little better.
Charlotte: Yes, sir.
Charlie: Ok, this is beginning to be a drag. Go out and get me something to eat. I’m thinking the best burger in town.
Charlotte: Yes, sir.
Charlie: Be back in five minutes or you get another slap on that beautiful bottom of yours.
Charlotte: Yes, sir. (She exits)
Charlie: Good girl.
Herbert: Hey.
Charlie: Hey. Let’s watch Wheel of Fortune.
Herbert: How about the news?
Charlie: Get out of here.
Herbert: Ok. I’ll be back though. (Exits).
Scott: Hey. She hasn’t come yet?
Charlie: She just left.
Scott: Is she coming back?
Charlie: Yeah, she just had to get me dinner.
Scott: Why?
Charlie: Oh, Scott, I’d like to kill you sometimes.
Scott: Kill me? No need. I’m sure I’ll kill myself long before anyone has the chance to kill me.
Charlie: I can never tell if you take yourself too seriously or if you don’t take yourself seriously at all. Can’t you tell why girls want nothing to do with you? You’re a f*****g loser. Look at you. Listen to you. Come on who would ever be desperate and sad enough to want to be in your presence for more than…. Oh, come on, give up this date and let me have a chance with her. I’ll show her a good time. I’ll treat her like dirt and she’ll love it because nice guys finish last and nothing ever goes right for them, but I’m not even sure if you’re a nice guy. I’ve heard you crying late at night, bemoaning your fate as the pathetic creature you’ve become but it’s only self-pity you’re experiencing, you haven’t truly cared about any of the long list of girls who have told you to f**k off, and it takes you forever to get over them. Months, even years, even if you’ve never spoken a word to them. I mean, how can you expect any girl to want anything to do with you. You’re such a fucked up piece of s**t.
Scott: I don’t agree at all. Granted I’ve done a lot of stupid, awkward things in my life and most women, people hate me because I’m so odd but I’m sure there are a few who don’t think I’m totally hopeless.
Charlie: You would be wrong. In the rare instances where I have brought your name up, everyone says how stupid and ugly and mean and fake you are. Come on, Scott, give it up. Stop pretending that you have anything of importance to impart to this universe. Do this world a favor and blow your empty brains out.
Scott: Where is she?
Charlie: I took her over.
Scott: You can’t do this to me. I want a little happiness, please. Even a brain-dead, worthless loser deserves a little happiness.
Charlie: No, no, don’t kid yourself, don’t lie, don’t create these fantasies any more. You don’t get to have it until the time is right, and today is niot the right time for your happiness. Hey, do you think my steralimg every girl that cvomes in here, makes me happy? Does it give me any concrete purpose at the end of the day? You must be joking. I still feel very s****y but it’s what I do and I refuse to stop until I feel it’s not right to do any more, or until destiny says “No more” Somethnig along those lines. Who knows. Anyway you’ll never do anything about it, you don’t care enough for her to rerally put me out here, to fight for her honor. She’s just another submissive little b***h. Oh well.
Scott: Not all women…. They’re not all obedient… they’re not, they’re not all that bad and I don’t thjink she is either, maybe she’s confused or maybe you’re manipulative or maybe, maybe I don’t know. I don’t know what to think about anything any more. I don’t even care about my own problems at this point, they’re so insignificant. Why would she ever want to take up with someone like you? It doesn’t make any sense at all, what do you offer, what’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with all of us? I hate this, I hate this dullness, this emptiness, I hate all these words that make you feel more hollow than when you knewe nothing at all. Now I feel I knew more in kindergarten than I do now. I don’t want to give in to these feelings but I don’t know any other way, but that’s not excuse, not a good enough reason. Sit, stand, lay, lie, kneel, what, when will I ever find the light that will give me some understanding of what all of this is about? What am I expecting, some definite answer, completely spoonfed to me, where there is complete and utter certainty, no gray areas, all love and gumdrops. I want to cry but I can’t any more. I don’t want to make it seem that my problems are any worse or any more profound… deadly… important… than anyone else’s but why can’t I get off these obsessions of mine? God, where are you? Angels, Mary, Creator, Father, someone, anyone, why, why, why? I’m not even crying here but…. Tell me…. Tell me….. Something…. Anything….. Some compassion or kindness or an end to all of this… whatever it is… I can’t get into any explanation, if you’re really all that I’ve heard about all these years, tell me show me, I know it’s probably not in the rules book or maybe there are no rules, but I dion’t get anything. I don’t get it. Please give me something, a little something, I don’t want to live if all of this continues. How can I ever attempt to explain this to anyone, would anyone get it, language so limited, so worthless, what am I even saying any more?
Charlie: Oh, Scott, what is this? Why try to make sense, don’t, don’t. Realize your lot and live with it,live and keep hoping and praying for some kind of understanding and happiness even if it will forever escape your reach. You’ll live, you’ll work, you’ll see a smile or two, you’ll eat, you might be mugged or hurt and rejected a lot, but it won’t kill you, maybe it’ll depress you or make you want to pull the covers over your head for weeks on end, but you won’t die and some day it’ll all make a little sense or enough sense that you never gave it to anything all that bad. Anyway you haven’t been a saint or a nice guy, let’s face it. You’ve shunned people because thety didn’t fit your ideal, you’ve talked behind their backs and told lies and gossip about many people. You’ve lied to teachers, to your parents, to your siblings, you’ve cheated on tests, you’ve been rude, cranky, belligerent. Don’t say to me that you deserve an end to the grayness, the boredom of your life because you don’t. As I have said I’m not all that happy and I doubt many of us really are. Look not every woman is a submissive b***h just as not every guy is a total prick or a phony but many are, and if I feel like manipulating, I’ll manipulate. I know no other way. I could change, yes… I could but would I be me then? No, and I have to be me… No matter how slimy and amoral that makes me because….. How else would anyone ever even consider taking up with me. See, Scott I was not blessed with many things that make people stand up and take notice…. I don’t even like pickles. But I am the sort of guy that wants to feel at least a bit of…… Validity in this universe, and when I’m being mean, misogynistic and detached I almost feel good…. Almost. This is the way I’ll be until I die or strike me down now.

Scott: I want to punch you so much. I want to hurt you. Degrade you. Wreck any chance you have at happiness or an end to pain and suffering… But screw it. It’ll do no good. It’ll serve no purpose other than me becoming a little angrier each day until I am completely fed up with everything happening in my life. Or lack thereof. So insignificant. So miniscule. Must I go any further? Will she be back…. Who cares
Charlie: She’ll be back. I need to get laid then I’m sure she’ll take her little butt back to the brothel it came from
Scott: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. These things happen. Nice guys finish last… Scratch that s**t. You’re right I’ve never been a nice guy. Merely a needy, whiny, clingy a*****e. I’m done with women. I’m done with people. I’m going to keep living just to piss them off. That is my purpose. I have one now.
Charlie: I always knew you’d find one. Let’s watch something.
Scott: Screw that s**t. I’m going to go out on the town. Pick up a few hookers, get smashed, have lots of animalistic sex. It’s all going to be very good. The amoral, debauched route will be best for me. See you later.
Charlie: Fucked up a*****e.
Herbert: I’m back.
Charlotte: As am I.
Charlie: Yeah. You two hooked up and had sex didn’t you?
Herbert: Good guess.
Charlotte: He’s fantastic.
Charlie: The amoral route will but you nothing more than a life full of emptiness and frustration. You know that? That’s it.

(Curtain)