Five Years

Frankly I don’t see the point any more. I have several reasons. Most of which you won’t like or even consider. I already know that. Perhaps we could talk about this for a while but you would simply tell me to stop my whining and move on with a life I have never enjoyed even in the moments when I was very happy. The simple fact is I have never known who I am or what I want. I know you’ve heard of my case millions of times and it doesn’t affect you in the least, does it? Well, that’s great, but right now I’m talking and for a change I want you to listen. I suppose I shouldn’t say that. You listen a lot when I talk and I have said some very mean and hurtful things throughout our relationship. I haven’t been fair a lot but neither have you, but it’s true that that does not excuse my very poor, childish behavior. But, in any event, I want you to listen a while or you can completely zone out, but let me say these words to you instead of me putting them in my latest play or short story because for once I want a living, breathing person to hear them. Maybe I’ll say a lot of mean, hurtful things again. Perhaps things I can never fully apologize for saying, but keep your mouth shut anyway because I feel that before I go for good I want to say something of how I feel to another, even if they don’t care whether I live or die. Now I’m getting a little too dramatic, aren’t I? I suppose communication has never been one of our strong suits. At least not mine. I’ll be completely honest, I don’t know the first thing about you. I often find myself forgetting what you look like or what your name is. I have always been that way. I have often failed you as a lover and as a friend. Also, as a listener and as a dialogue partner. I suppose you’ve often felt as lousy about me as I have felt about you, but maybe I’m wrong. But maybe not, but for these few moments that we have left together I want you to keep your mouth shut even if I never come to say what I wish so much to say to you. And it appears that my perpetual confusion continues. I often wonder if I ever knew what to say to other people or if I would stop performing one of the deleted scenes of Hamlet and take some sort of action. These are the sort of thoughts I often have. I am often feeling low and down, full of self-loathing, loneliness, despair, very deep and ever present depression and nothingness, and I wonder why. I suppose I know why as do you, if you were to really think about it very deeply for even a moment. But you were never much of a deep thinker, were you? Neither was I until we began dating and I realized that the only way to enjoy this relationship was to be as emotionally unavailable as possible. Yes, yes, I have been well aware of how distant and impossible I have been to talk to or to connect to over the last five years, but why have we kept it up, and why should I continue to live? If we were to stop and think about these last five years we’d realize that ever since we began talking at that party held at Aaron’s house we have become a little more miserable every day, and we never stopped to really take it all in because we were too busy fooling ourselves that we were falling more and more in love each day as though two miserable souls could ever do anything resembling falling in love. We have lied to ourselves a lot over these five years and if I never say what I should say to you today we’ll lie to each other and to ourselves, and to the entire world for the rest of our lives, and something tells me that would not be a good idea for anyone involved. But, I continue to digress and contradict myself because with all honesty I don’t know how to proceed or confront, or even, very precisely, do I know what it is I want to say to you. I know that whatever I say I will continue to be miserable, and I’m not sure how you will be, but maybe I should for once think  only of myself, but again I am lying. We both know very well throughout this relationship I have done nothing but care about my own wants and concerns, so now we pass into another phase, where more uncertainty and frustration runs rampant. I suppose, very clearly, very succinctly what I’m trying to say is, I have tried everything I possibly can with everything I have to secure something slightly resembling happiness or purpose and I have come up completely empty. I don’t want to burden anyone with my concerns or whines any more so the wisest thing to do is to end all of this. Our relationship is over and soon too will be my life, but then we know I could never actually do either one of those things and yet here I stand telling you I want to off myself. Tell me, yes, speak if you wish, why do I want to end my life but I don‘t want to die or burn in Hell, or find myself to be in a more difficult or sadder world? Tell me, why am I the way I am and why can I no longer see any hope or light? Nothing to say I see. I understand how you feel. That‘s how I‘ve been over these last five years. .