Could We Be Further From Reality?

Max: Hey. How are you?

Jessica: Not bad. Just heading out actually.

Max: See you later.

Jessica: I doubt it. I have no intention of living with you anymore.

Max: How come?

Jessica: You’re boring me to death.

Max: Don’t be silly. You just need to develop a longer attention span.

Jessica: No. I don’t think so. We never do talk or do anything. You wake up late then go out for the entire day, doing who knows what. Then you walk in here late and night and want me to perform for you, after I’ve worked hard all day long.

Max: Ok, Jess. You’re bored. I’m sorry I’m so boring. I’m sorry I don’t have sex with you when you want to have sex. Boo-Hoo. Get over it.

Jessica: Do you listen at all or do you just sit there, thinking of how you’re going to fix mankind’s next…..

Max: Oh, Jessica, you’re adorable. You really are. I want you to hold me. Pick me up and hold me. Never let me go. Let’s kiss and love for the rest of our lives. And never give up.

Jessica: You’re trying to evade the subject. Trying to deflect my attention.

Max: Exactly. You catch on very quickly, my dear. I want to be with you for a long time to come. I never want to be apart from you. I rely on you too much for everything. I even think I’m in love with you sometimes. Anyway, you and I have our friend Miranda paying us a visit tonight. I know we both hate her, but let’s pretend to care about her tonight because she has just moved in with her parents after her fifth divorce.

Jessica: Max. Ok. But after Miranda’s gone, I’m gone. You and I can’t be together anymore.

Max: Oh, Jessie, Jessie, Jessie….. Little Jessie….. Don’t be such a silly. You love me. I love you. Sure, we also loathe and annoy each other, but no one else wants to be with us…. So…….

Jessica: That’s not true. I am now dating Simon.

Max: Simon Dryden?

Jessica: Yes. We have lunch twice a week.

Max: I did not see that coming. Very cool. Where do you two eat?

Jessica: It’s a secret.

Max: Oh. Right. Well, I won’t tell anyone.

Jessica: I know you won’t, but I want all of it to be a secret.

Max: I respect that. I’ll find out though. By the way, I am also seeing Simon. Twice a week for dinner.

Jessica: You’re lying.

Max: I never lie, you adorable girl.

Jessica: That’s true.

Max: So, we’re both with Simon. He’s a nice guy.

Jessica: What else do you two do?

Max: We just eat. Or that’s all that is your concern.

Jessica: Do you mean?

Max: It’s possible, of course.

Jessica: Ok. Well. What can be done?

Max: Don’t worry. I’ll break up with him soon.

Jessica: Oh. Good. When is Miranda coming?

Max: I think I just heard the doorbell.

Jessica: Hi, guys! Brian will be right in.

Max: Oh, Miranda, we hate Brian. Tell him he can come back when we’re all dead.

Jessica: I know. I hate him too. But he wanted to come, and he’s so unhappy, and he loves you guys so I had to let him come. Anyway, he’s the only son I have left. The other ones all dropped off like flies.

Max: Yeah. I remember. We didn’t care for them much either. Well, ok, we’ll put up with Brian as long as he speaks as little as possible.

Miranda: He’ll say a lot.

Max: No he won’t or I’ll rip his guts out.

Miranda: If he dies, so be it.

Jessica: Is Simon coming?

Max: I’ll call him.

Jessica: Do that. Please.

Brian: Hi, guys!

Max: Brian! Stop talking! My God, you don’t understand how exhausting it is to hear you say anything at all. You are the dumbest person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Why don’t you climb up on the roof and take a leap at the moon?

Brian: My Mom always said you would have been a great comedian.

Jessica: Max is the least humorous person I have ever known.
Brian: Looking good, Jess. We should go out for lunch soon.

Miranda: No flirting with w****s, Brian.

Jessica: Yes, please. I have to live with Max. That’s enough.

Max: Simon can’t make it. He was killed tonight.

Jessica: What will we do for lunches?

Max: We’ll meet other people, I’m sure. Let’s eat.

Jessica: Oh. I forgot. We don’t have any food.

Max: Dear God, Jessica! Fine. I’m not hungry anymore. Let’s talk. Does anyone want to talk?

Brian: I want to die.

Miranda: If that’s what you want, dear.

Brian: I’ll live though.

Jessica: No. Death would suit you much better.

Brian: Will you die with me, Jess?

Jessica: No.

Brian: Why not?

Jessica: You’re too wormy for me.

Miranda: Ok. Let’s stop all this noise.

Max: Yes. Let’s move on. We need to do something. I’ll tell you all a story. When I was a little kid I was ugly. Some things never change. My Father came home and told me we were moving to Kansas so he could make it as a jazz singer although he had never heard any jazz music before in his life. We moved out there and became penniless. One night we were outside, freezing, when I heard the voice of God. He told me to stay in school and to possess as little conventionality as I could. I listened and I have been perfectly content since.

Miranda: We all hate you.

Max: Doesn’t matter. I’m fine and I always will be.