The Writing

Cameron’s apartment.

A man named Seagull bangs on the door. Cameron is sound asleep. He continues to bang.

Seagull: Open up, you son of a f*****g b***h! You have went beyond disgusting treachery and treason! Your vile beliefs will be your ultimate ruin. (He kicks in the door. He turns on the light and rummages through the room. He flings down pictures and papers. Rifles through the bookcase and her desk.) You f*****g s**t. You f*****g s**t. You f*****g goodamn f*****g s**t! F**k f**k f**k f**k f**k. F**k! (He notices a sleeping woman on the couch. He quickly crosses to her, grabs her and shakes her awake) Up! Get your a*s off the couch! Your interrogation commences!

Cameron: What the f**k? I don’t….. too early…. My alarm clock hasn’t went off. I have to pee. Let me pee.

Seagull: F**k your pee! There will be time for your urination later. (Carries her over to and places her in a chair.)

Cameron: Who are you?

Seagull: Don’t play these games with me, baby. I don’t have the time. I’m on a mission. I’m here to preach a lesson of revenge and vengeance. One or the other. Maybe both. Maybe a mission of a different import, but it is by f*****g Christ a f*****g epistle straight from the f*****g big f*****g man upstairs!

Cameron: Someone needs a thesaurus.

Segaull: Shut your f*****g mouth. You have sinned greatly. You have written against the Most Powerful and Supreme. This will not fare well for you, you scum. Do you have Ginger Ale?

Cameron: What the Hell

Seagull: Listen I have to do this interrogation at 3 AM I need some liquid courage. I didn’t sign up for this job. I was assigned it. I’d rather be sleeping too, but here I am, dealing with your traitorous a*s. So, get me a f*****g ginger ale.

Cameron: I don’t drink pop

Seagull: Oh that’s f*****g great.

Cameron: (Notices his nametag) Your name is General Seagull?

Seagull: You know it is, trash

Cameron: What kind of name is that?

Seagull: Everyone in my family is named Seagull. My parents. My six brothers. My nine sisters. We’re all Seagulls. It’s a memory. An heirloom. It’s all I have of my family. They all died with needles in their arms or bottles by their sides. I saw them all perish under rack and ruin and disgrace. They died penniless and pathetic…. That will not be my fate. I am here to dispense unendurable justice of the most profound sort. Now, you have some questions to answer. Where is your writing?

Cameron: My writing?

Seagull: Don’t be coy. Don’t be cute. Don’t stonewall me. I need to get this finished. I have other business to attend to. You’re merely my first garbage to deal with.

Cameron: My name is Cameron

Seagull: Silence! F**k you talk too much. Just tell me where you have your writing so I can take care of it, then move on to your penalty.

Cameron: I’m a garbage person.

Seagull: I f*****g know you’re garbage

Cameron: No, I mean I’m a garbage person. I drive a garbage truck. I’ve never written anything in my life. I dropped out of school in the third grade. I came from an impoverished background. It really sucked. Hardly had running water. Never ate. I was malnourished. Had lice. Didn’t have shoes or new clothes. I was sick a lot. Never had shots or vaccinations. I should be dead. I turned to drugs and alcohol for a long time. I served my share of prison sentences. I couldn’t have written what you think I have because I’m illiterate. Yeah, I never learned how to read or write. I should do that some day. But,m who has the time? I have to deal with the trash

Seagull: Jesus Christ, stop lying. Stop stalling. I can’t abide this tactics here tonight. Confess and give me the writing. I’m the judge jury and executioner becae the Most Powerful and Supreme is otherwise engaged.

Cameron: Did he order in pay per view and hookers?

Seagull: (Slaps her) Don’t mock the Most Powerful and Supreme. You have already done enough. You have defamed and humiliated him. You have defied and ridiculed… you will suffer and burn.

Cameron: I really need to pee

Seagull: Where the f**k is the writing!

(Karen climbs through the window.)

Karen: Hey, Cam, I need to talk. I’m lonely. I get lonely at 3 am a lot. You up? (Notices Seagull) Well, well, well, what have we here? Some big strapping man, named General Seagull. Well, Mr Seagull, you want to spirit me away?

Seagull: What the f**k!

Cameron: Hi, Karen. Yeah, this guy stormed through my door and forced me awake tonight. I thought he was going to rape or kill me, but he just plopped me on this chair, and has been yelling at me and demanding I show him my writing.

Karen: You write? Hahahahaha. Oh, Mr Seagull she can’t even sign her name. You’re a sly one, Seagull. Now, show me your Briny Patch

Seagull: Get away from me, s**t! I don’t have time for this. You, Ms Johnson….

Cameron: Johnson? My last name is Hucksterpinop. Not even close

Seagull: Enough with the games.

Karen: Jesus, I want to f**k you. When you kids are done playing house, I’ll be in the kitchen eating soup. I really am lonely so I hope one of you wikll come comfort me, and, Seagull, when I say comfort….

Seaguill: Get out!

Karen: I like when they play rough (Exits to kitchen)

Seagull: You think you’re superior. You put in print that you are greater and of more stature and importance than The Most Powerful and Supreme. He is no glad or pleased. He is not doing somersaults. He is not an admirer of yours. Show me the writing so we can dispose of the trash!

Cameron: I need to be up soon. Can’t you just forge something and get this over with? I didn’t eat dinner tonight. I still need to pee. My boyfriend sucks. He said he was comihg over tonight, but he fell down six flights of stairs tonight, and said he hurt too much to come see me. Selfish jerk. I should probably dump him soon. We’ve been going out for 4 days, it’s just getting to be too much, ya know? I don’t know if you know much about relationshops. You’re a little uptight and your communication skills are poor so maybe you don’t date, but, let me tell you, it’s a jungle out there. I don’t know what to do.

Seagull: (Slaps her again) The writing! The writing! The writing!

Jared: (Rolls out from behind the couch.) Hey. I can’t sleep. Lots of yelling. What’s this about a writing? I’ve written a lot lately. I also heard something about Cameron wanting to dump me. What’s that about?

Cameron: You jerk! You said you fell down six flights of stairs. What are you doing in my apartment?

Jared: Oh, yeah, that, I say lots of stuff. But, yeah, I’ve been writing a novel. It’s about this man named Seagull who barges into people’s homes and accuses them of ridiculous crimes they know nothing about. The guy is a f*****g noob.

Seagull: Enough! Produce the writing now, or I will eliminate all of you.

Cameron: You have a weapon?

Seagull: No… but I jhave something…

Cameron: (Produces gun) I should have done this a while ago, but I was sure you were packing. You’re not great at this, Seagull.

Jared: hahahaha this is just like my novel!

Owl: Runs and trips over couch as he comes in) Hey, Seagull!

Seagull: F*****g Hell. Where the f**k have you been?

Cameron: Who’s this?

Owl: Owl!

Cameron: (Laughs) Come on!

Owl: You come on! Hey, ya gotten that writing yet

Seagull: Working on it.

Owl: Yeah… but you’re being he;ld at gunpoint, which, I guess, means I’m at gunpoint too. Aww geez this sucks. Guess we need to negotiate.

Seagull: Jesus

Owl: Good idea. I’ll pray to him too

Cameron: Listen, just leave and we’ll forget about this

Seagull: The writing!

Jared: (Keeps laughing) It’s word for word!

Karen: (Re-enters) Oooohh seagull, you’re still here. And who is this?

Owl: Owl (Takes her hand and kisses it) I’m charmed, ma’am. I’m single… so, you know….

Karen: (Giggles) I like this. An owl and a seagull.

Jared: So, cam, were you serious about breaking up? I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty adequate. Remembver that time you said you were said, and I said “well, I’ll leave you be” I left you there in Nebraska to be alone

Cameron: Then I had to hitchhike home, and got picked up by those creepy guys who made love to me for my fare. Yeah, you’re great.

Jared: yeah, but I meant well.

Owl: I’ve dated before.

Seagull: The writing!

Jared: Wanna read my book? It’s gonna win a Pulitzer.

Seagull: Jesus! Forget it! I’m done. I give up. You fucked over The Most Powerful and Supreme but he’s a f*****g dick! Fine, strike me down! Strike me down! F**k it, nothing, nothing! (Goes to window and flings himself out.)

Karen: Awww he’s a melodramatic one. I hope he can fly, or….. (Looks down) He can’t…. yeah, he’s dead. Should we call the police?

Cameron: Let someone else do it. I’m tired. I need some shut eye. You can all stay, except for you, Jared, go jump out the window.

Jared: Nah. It’s not in the book. I’ll lreave you alonbe, and remain the hero. I’m on my way to finding a better chick now. (Exits.)

Karen: Well, Owl, you ready?

Owl: Yeah. Kinda in shock about my partner. He was terrible though. Okay, where do you live?

Karen: The trash can out back.

Owl: Ohh, nice, much nicer than where I live. I live in puddle on 7^th street.

Karen: Yeah? I think we;’ve fucked before.

Owl: Yeah, probably, let’s do this.

(They both exit.)

Cameron: (Settles down to sleep again)

Seagull: (Charges into room.) You son of a b***h, where’s the f*****g writing! (Shakes her awake)