Getting it

 

 

 

Jimmy:  Hey, how’s that writing coming

Bob: I’m glad you asked. It is terrible. Horrid. Horrendous. I pretty much want to kill myself right now.

Jimmy: So, the usual?

Bob: I don’t know, man. I sit here, staring at this blank page, and I find myself totally and completely incoherent and mute. I find myself a pariah in my own mind and kingdom. You know what I’m saying.

Jimmy: Not a clue.

Bob: Let me put it to you this way, bud: I wrote earlier about a moose that smoked pot and guzzled beer, and swore like a sailor, but on Sunday he got into his priestly robes and proceeded to preach a sermon that lifted his entire congregation’s  spirits, and made them want to go out and be loving and caring to all creation. Of course, they just drove home, and watched football, gossiped about their “friends”, ate a bunch of fatty foods, and bitched about everything in their lives, and didn’t do a single nice thing for anyone. And, the Moose, the second Mass ended, slipped out of his robe, and rolled into the sleaziest bar in town, hit on all the chicks, got plastered, high, blah blah blah…. And the same s**t would happen till the next Sunday. Now, other than my obbious contempt for humanity, and my apparent liking of moose, what could that script possibly have to offer the universe?

Jimmy: It sounds like it could do well at festivals. Pass it off as some deep art film, that everyone will love and be enamored of, and all you and a bunch of deluded f***s can label yourself a genius, and plaster your face all over their bedroom walls. You could do worse. You have done much worse.

Bob: Ughhh. You don’t get it. You don’t understand my problem. My suffering. You don’t understand the loneliness of being a writer that has nothing to say. Nothing to impart. I have no f*****g brilliance. I have no goddamn message. I am so f*****g horny too, by the way, just so you’re aware. I assure youi I won’t be jumping your bones, but I am f*****g sexed up, and I can’t get so much as a f*****g hug from a f*****g chick. Yeah, let me tell ya, I send this f*****g b***h on a f*****g dating site a message. I tell her I’m DTF, which I’m not anyway, I just wanna talk and hold someone, and have them listen to everything that’s going on

Jimmy: Wait… you said you were hornyu

Bob: F**k no, not in the traditional sense, ya f*****g dick. I am not using my words well right now. I’m not f*****g coherent. I am hornyu in the sense that I need some sort of f*****g….. goddamn it, I don’t f*****g know, man! I f*****g haven’t a clue. I don’t even know if you’re here right now. Are you? Ios this really you?

Jimmy: Well, do you need me for anything else right now, or can I exit for a while?

Bob: I don’t care. I need someone else to comy by. Maybe their presence won’t throw me off nearly as much. Perhaps I’ll be more at ease, and I will allow myself to be free and easy, and flow, and be some sort of f*****g magent for positiveity and possibility and hope and, ya know I could end all this… f**k it, man, get lost, we’ll continue this rambling session of s**t later, I promise, aight? We gotta keep this at a minimum

Jimmy: Aight.  (Exits)

Old lady walks in

Old Lady: Hey, you

Bob: Jesus Christ, I don’t need this f*****g s**t.

Old: Another tantrum, eh?

Bob: Listen, you old c**t

Old: Oh no, no saying c**t or b***h, young man. I can call you an a*****e and a bastardf all I want, but once you begin using those pejorative terms for us womenfolk, it’s game over, buddy boy, and I’ll spank ya into last week!

Bob: Wow, that would be the most action I’ve had in years!!!!! Hahahahahaha!

Old: There ya go again. As you know, I come here week after week asking you if you want to have a roll in the hay. I’m willing to service you and fulfill your every fantasy and desire. I have never let a man down yet. I don’t really care for men. I find them needy and bitchy and stinky, and boring, and stupid, but, meh, it’s my lot in life. I service them well, I service them all, and I f**k into the grave.

Bob: You have a very romantic spirit and bent, but I don’t see this being conducive for a creative spirit such as myself. I need to get me a chick that understands me. She has got to understand all my moods. She has to understand thayt I will be stubborn and arrogant and grumopy mostly all the time. I will flash smiles when I see a puppy commericial, or see a bluebird, or maybe even when someone acknowledges my existence for 2 f*****g seconds, but otherwuise I’m a glum m**********r, but that’s because of my artistic and…

Old: Boy, shut yo damn mouth. You;’re f*****g wretched. Listen, I’ll f**k ya, but I’m not listening to this s**t. The world doesn’t just s**t on you, it s***s on all of us, so get that s**t through your head or pull the f*****g trigger already. Ya got a roof over your head Ya got food! Ya don’t have friends or anyone who gives a s**t about ya, but, well, welcome to a little thing called life, bub! I have had sex millions of times in every imaginable and unimaginable position. I don’t see the appeal of doggy position but that’s because….

Boy: No more sex.

Old: Oh, I’m sorry, do you want to hear about my afghan collection?

Boy: Well, sure, and why have you never given me an afghan?

Old: You’re not that pleasant.

Boy: Come on, I say hi to you and s**t. I, I meant to open that door for you one time, you just didn’t move fast enough, and were too far away, so it was awkward to keep it open. Furhtermore,

Old: Anytime someone says “furthermore” the conversation is at an end.

Boy: I’m not feeling this repartee of ours. It doesn’t feel authentic. Or is it organic? Do you ever feel you’re above and beyond existence? I often feel that maybe this is all a waste, and that it’s all been for naught…

Old: This ain’t a self help show, bud! Ya wanna f**k or not?

Boy: Get your a*s out of here. I have to write because…. Wehat the f**k else am I gonna do? Have to get all my pain and torment and despair and loneliness down on the page to shield myself form whatever else could happen because it’s all s**t!

Old: Okay. I’ll ask you for sex in an hour or so. Ta-ta (leaves)

Boy: For Moose’s f*****g sake!

Todd enters

Todd: hey, pal. I just got back from the gym

Boy: How’s that going?

Todd: Lot of chicks with tight, nice asses.

Boy: yeah, the caboose is sublime on the right chick.

Todd: I was doing asll the reps and curls and s**t. I hit the mill a time or two. But, basically, I was just checking the chicks out.

Boy: talk to any of them

Todd: I considered flashing some money in front of them but thought that might be considered offensive.

Boy: meh, maybe, but it’s true.

Todd: nah, man, they want a well rounded guy who’s got s**t figured out. And he’s gotta be confident, and he’s gotta have like a nice car and a penetrating mind

Boy: You have anything new or interesting to say?

Todd: Well, sure. I went to mcdonald’s. the mcrib is still not back. I’m very up[set about this. I am most livid and pissed off, and I won’t lie, I considered talking to a manager about it, and telling hiom to get the mcrib back, or I would be taking my business elsewhere, but I didn’t because managers are all about control, as am I, so it woulda become a combustible situation, wherein I woulda sent him to the hospital, and myself to prison,.

Boy: The mcrib isn’t back?! Yet one more injustice in this universe. I had a dream recently where a beautiful girl was seducing me, and ripping my clothes off which doesn’t happen as often as you would think in reality, and this terrified me so I blurted out “we can’t do this! I’m gay!” So, she set me up with her gay friend! Where I once again had to tell him I am not gay, I only said that to get out of having sex with a girl… and….

Todd: Talk to a shrink, buddy.

Boy: Should I write about that in script or is that too much self-disclosure, I’m sorta a private prick, ya know? Am I articulate and quirky enough to write something anyone would ever wanna read or see or think about or talk about? Maybe I should just write a crime of the week, or disease of the week. I could write about my chronic depression because everyone makes an effort to understand a mental illness

(They share a hearty laugh)

Boy: Seriously though, what should I do?

Todd: Do whatever, do nothing at all. It’s all the same. Things work out for some, and others have s**t rained down upon them all the days of their lives. It just happens. Meh. Sucks, but nothing ya can do. You could change yourself completely and it wouldn’t matter. Fate is one unrepentant m**********r. Aight, I’m out. (leaves)

Boy: (Stands up and looks around himself, and the tears well up and the rage begins, and he begins tearing everything to shreds, he yells and screams, every imaginable obscenity. He is no longer a fan or proponent of speech because it’s a waste of f*****g time and f*****g energy so f**k it. Nop one will ever love him and he doesn’t deserve it anyway cuz he f*****g sucks, and is full of s**t and bile, and other such worthless f*****g s**t. )

Old lady: (Runs in with an assault rifle) Enough! Are you really sure you don’t need sex

Boy: get out!

Old” Oh come on!

Boy: (Lunges at her and rips her to shreds)

Jimmy: Hey. I’m back. I walked to the corner store and…. (sees old lady) Aww she kicked the bucket. Meh circle of life. So, I went to the corner store…

Boy: Which one?

Jimmy: Ummm the one on the corner

Boy: Grocery? Gas? Antique?

Jimmy: Does it matter

Boy: answer the f*****g question, numbnuts

Jimmy: well, the furniture actually, a*****e

Boy: Hurry it up

Jimmy: Regina was there. Remember her?

Boy: sure.

Jimmy: you’re not going to ask about her?

Boy: Haven’t spoken to her in five years. I’m pretty sure it’s a mutual indifference society

Jimmy: Well, long story short, I tolf her she was hot, and we’re going out tonight.

Boy: nah

Jimmy: Umm yes

Boy: nah

Jimmy: yes.

Boy: nah

Jimmy: yes

Jimmy: (Lunges at him, killing him.)

Todd (Enters. Sees the dead bodies) Well, we all have to go sometime. Have you ever considered faking your own death?

Boy: Done it. Twice

Todd: How did it turn out

Boy: No one remembered to show up to the funeral so I went to their houses, and they just said “Uhh, yeah, what do you need?” They had already forgotten I had “died” This happened both times. Kinda depressing.

Todd” Well, I think I’ll have more success. I’m not nearly as much of a gloomy gus as you. I like stuff, and I go places, and try things…..

Boy: Well, let’s gfind out (attacks him and kills him)

Boy: Well, I guess I have something to write now. Hopefully it works. If not, that really was a f*****g waste.

 

(The end.)