Bro

Phil: This chick is out of sight.

 

Bob: Out of sight? Have we returned to the 70's?

 

Phil: Is that how they talked?

 

Bob: Well, it's how they talked on the Brady Bunch.

 

Phil: Oh, yeah, they said groovy, too.

 

Bob: Yeah, I told a girl I dug her groovy tunes once. I got a date out of it. But it ended poorly.

 

Phil: You serious, dawg?

 

Bob: Yeah. I mean, we shagged and all, but it could have been better. Not the worst I've had, but certainly not the best.

 

Phil: Oh, man, well ya know some shags are great and others should be posted in the obits. So, do you think I can score with her?

 

Bob: Yeah, man, just run that football into the endzone. Touchdown!

 

Phil: Come on, dude, cut out the world weariness for a sec. I need your support here.

 

Bob: Well, I'll be honest with ya, pal, I didn't pay much attention to her. Tell me something about her.

 

Phil: She was hot!

 

Bob: oh, okay, then, no.

 

Phil: You saying I ain't hot enough?

 

Bob: Well, you sweat a lot, but otherwise, yeah

 

Phil: Yeah, but, come on, man, I got a certain way of wooing a chick.

 

Bob: Oh yeah? I've never seen this. Show me.

 

Phil: (Begins strutting and shooting fingers around the room while clucking like a hen. He then begins to take his pants off.)

 

Bob: Okay. That's enough. That's a good start. But, public indecency is a mortal sin so don't go too far. Just be yourself.

 

Phil: Oh, hell no, dude. I was myself once and I didn't get laid.

 

Bob: You've gotten laid?

 

Phil: That's irrelevant, pal. The point is I gotta be with this girl.

 

Bob: Do you know her name?

 

Phil: Well, sorta.

 

Bob: Sorta?

 

Phil: Well, she told me it started with an A.

 

Bob: Wait.... do you know anything about her? Phone number?

 

Phil: No, but she gave me the first two digits. I just gotta guess the rest.

 

Bob: Ummm...... okay. Tell you what. I'm going to leave now and we'll pretend this never happened.

 

Phil: Come on, bro, I need this. I need this a lot. I haven't had any. Ever. Ya know? I just get so...... ya know, don't ya?

 

Bob: Yeah, but, you have nothing to work with here? Plus, ya sorta got sleaze and hopelessness written all over you.

 

Phil: Come on, let's go out. I overheard her saying she'd be at the pizza joint down the street about now.

 

Bob: Well, okay, I need some material for my play. Let's do this.

 

Phil: Aight. Now, let's do our special handshake.

 

Bob: No.

 

Phil: Come on, bro.

 

Bob: Okay. Okay.

 

(They hold hands and begin singing "Creep" by Radiohead. They sing the refrain. Then they head out.)

 

Scene 2- Pizza Joint.

 

Phil: Here we are. The Pizza Palace. Wanna get a slice?

 

Bob: Sure. Order whatever.

 

Phil: Okay. Hello, Pizza guy, get me a slice of "whatever". haha. No, seriously, two slices of pepperoni pizza.

 

Pizza Guy: Ya want anything else, punk?

 

Phil: Nah, Pizza Guy. We're watching our figures and trying to pick up some dames tonight.

 

Pizza Guy: Ya got a few hundreds with ya tonight?

 

Phil: I got a credit card.

 

Pizza: Well, maybe they'll accept it. How much ya got on it?

 

Phil: I don't know, man. I never check the balance.

 

Pizza Guy: Well, punk, your pizza will be up shortly.

 

Phil: Aight, bro, thanks.

 

Pizza Guy: Piss off, punk.

 

Bob: How'd it go?

 

Phil: Not bad. He's a little b***h, but what ya gonna do?

 

Bob: is that here?

 

Phil: Yeah, I guess.

 

Bob: What do you mean, I guess?

 

Phil: I don't know, man. I don't remember what she looked like really. I did before we got here, but now I'm flummoxed.

 

Bob: Flummoxed? You been keeping up with your word-a-day calendar, huh?

 

Phil: Yeah it gets the ladies all hot and bothered when you sound intelligent.

 

Bob: have you ever just considered being intelligent?

 

Phil: Nah. Only apperances matter. Okay well there's four broads over there. Which one do you like?

 

Bob: They're all quite ravishing,. but I'm gonna sit this one out. Go over there and see what you can do.

 

Phil: Aight, man. Wish me luck on getting my dick sucked.

 

Bob: (Pats his dick) Good luck, Mr. Dick.

 

(The girls see that.)

 

Phil: Don't worry, ladies. We ain't gay. Just... ya know.... real comfortable with our sexuality. Anyway, I'm coming over to pick ya up.

 

(The four girls quickly run out of the Pizza Joint.)

 

Bob: Smooth.

 

Phil: What did I say?

 

Bob: It's probably what you left unsaid.

 

Phil: Yeah, that's what my pastor always said.

 

Pizza Guy: Okay, ya punks, pizza's up!

 

Phil: Did my card go through?

 

Pizza Guy: don't sweat it. I just saw what those girls did to you. That was uncomfortable to watch. Just take your pizza and leave.

 

Phil: I can't play in the arcade?

 

Pizza: Well, has an arcade ever accepted credit cards?

 

Phil: Just give me a free game day. You saw what just happened.

 

Pizza: Leave or I'll call the cops.

 

Phil: Bob, what should I do?

 

Bob: Probably leave. But I almost want to see what happens here.

 

Phil: Aight. We're bouncing, pops. We gotta go and get some canoodling in a hipper scene.

 

Pizza: Okay, punks. You can come back sometime, but bring some cash and just start flinging it at the girls.

 

Phil: Sounds good, man. Love ya and God bless.

 

Pizza: Piss off.

 

(Phil and Bob exit as the lights go down.)

 

Scene 3- Bob and Phil back at the apartment.

 

Phil: I don't know what to do. This all seems to meaningless.

 

Bob: Your life?

 

Phil: I don't know, bro. Maybe. I'm more of an active guy, then some little wimp who sits up in an ivory tower, thinknig myself to death,. but tonight my heart seems so heavy, ya know. I feel like someone stabbed me and I'm bleeding all over the place and ready to call in the medics.

 

Bob: Yeah, stupidity is a Hell of a drug.

 

Phil: We should like have a suicide party sometime.

 

Bob: Okay. Let's go somewhere.

 

Phil: Where?

 

Bob: With the way you're talking, a concentration camp would be an improvement, but instead let's go to the ice cream shop.

 

Phil: Will I meet a chick there?

 

Bob: Sure.

 

Phil: Really?

 

Bob: Yeah, dude.

 

Phil: Sweet, bro. Let's saddle up and ride! (Whinnies like a horse.)

 

Bob: Try not to do that too much when we try to score the chicks.

 

Phil: I don't know, bro. Some chciks go for that stuff. I'll play it by ear. My instincts are golden.

 

Bob: Let's go.

 

(They exit the apartment.)

 

Scene 4- The Ice Cream Parlor

 

Phil: We're the only ones here. Great choice, Einstein

 

Bob: Tell me, what do you know about Einstein.

 

Phil: I don't discuss science at ice cream parlors.

 

Bob: How does that work?

 

Phil: Well, bro, ice cream parlors are where one leaves behind all rational thoughts and simply digs in to savor unfathomable treasures and delights.

 

Bob: Deep.

 

Phil: Yeah, making up stuff as you go along is the best. Wait. There's one.

 

Bob: A server?

 

Phil: Nah. A chick. And she's coming over. Play it cool.

 

Callie: Hi, boys.

 

Phil: Hey. You're hot.

 

Callie: Thanks. You are, too.

 

Phil: Awesome. So, you wanna date and maybe partake in some carnal pleasures afterwards?

 

Callie: Sure, I guess. I have no better offers. But, keep in mind if one comes along I'll have to take it.

 

Phil: Of course.

 

Bob: Would you be okay if I left?

 

Callie: Do whatever you wish. We all must make choices. Do you wish to leave or stay?

 

Bob: I wish to be left alone. That is what I wish. Did you catch the literary reference?

 

Callie: Yeah, but it wasn't all too clever, but it was a valiant effort. I'll be sure to tell all my friends about what a valiant effort you put up to impress me with such a tired old literary reference like that.

 

Bob: Cool. I'll catch you two later.

 

(Bob leaves.)

 

Phil: Thanks for coming and acting as if I picked you up.

 

Callie: No problem. But, I'm your cousin. You need to find someone you're not related to, to help you out with this stuff. How long have you known this guy?

 

Phil: About a week.

 

Callie: And you haven't shagged him yet?

 

Phil: Nah. Not sure if he';s interested. He seems passive enough.

 

Callie: I forget. Why do you want to shag all these straight roommates of yours since you're not gay yourself.

 

Phil: Mind games.

 

Callie: Okay. Well, head on back there now. Let's see how this plays out.

 

(End of Scene 4.)

 

Scene 5- The apartment.

 

Phil: Honey, I'm home!

 

Bob: Cool. How did it go?

 

Phil: Great. I shagged her.

 

Bob: She was your cousin, yes?

 

Phil: What.... Come on, bro.... I mean.... You know..... It was....

 

Bob: I checked the messages and heard her message. She spilled everything. I know it all. And the answer is: sure, why not? I have nothing better to do.

 

Phil: So, we can......

 

Bob: Sure. You should have just said so when we moved in together. I always thought you wanted to.

 

Phil: What... why?

 

Bob: I don't know. Just something about the whole arrangement.

 

Phil: Hmm....

 

Bob: It doesn't have to have a reason.

 

Phil: But....

 

Bob: We doing this or not?

 

Phil: Well....

 

Bob: Come on

 

Phil: You know what? it was all a prank. Gotcha! Let's try another spot.

 

Bob: Seems elaborate, but okay.

 

(Bob exits.)

 

Phil: (Calls up his cousin.) He seems too willing. They usually put up some fight and through much cajoling I'm able to get them to agree. I will pass on the intercourse, and get down to the other little ordeal. Yes. It'll be fine.

 

Bob: (Re-enters.) You ready.

 

Phil: Yeah, bro.

 

(They head out. Phil pulls out a gun. Bob is walking in front of Phil.)

 

Phil: Oh, Bob, you forgot....

 

Bob: (Turns around.)

 

Phil: (Shoots Bob straight in the heart. Bob falls dead instantly.) Cool.

 

(The end.)