The Bad Day

Growing up is a journey full of losses. There are some good weeks, and bad weeks, this is one of the latter. Written in a journal stream of thought-ish style. First entry!

Why does it matter so much that someone cares when you die? You'll be gone, it won't matter then, but it does now. Loneliness has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with. Not that I have. I can't even say the words "I am lonely" out loud. But they swim around in my head constantly. They make me feel like a cliché, like a stereotype I can't get rid of. I'm in my 20's and I'm stuck in a bad hollywood teen movie. 

Live with no regrets. I never understood how. I have so many, everyday. And they all seem so silly, but I can't cope with even the silly, shallow ones. 

Almost a year here, and I can hardly connect with people; give them time; be important to someone; turn to someone when I can't even bring myself produce a fake smile. All I feel right now is a disconnect; Blankness, and it's ridiculous, I'll hate myself for it tomorrow. 

I hate change, so I expose myself to it. A lot. But do I get better at dealing with it? Of course not.

I berate myself. I don't like myself, often. I feel judged. I'm never good enough, never will be. I though being insecure about my intellect was something that started in college, but I have since realised that it's been there all my life. I've never been the smart one, or felt like it at least (although I desperately need to, to feel worthwhile) I don't think my parents ever did either. 

Sometimes, I just wait for a tragedy to occur, almost wanting it, for then at least my sorrow, self loathing and cynicism will be justified. But I've had a perfectly happy life, with surprisingly little sorrow. It is almost scary how good everything has been, and how fucked up I am despite it. I probably won't feel like this tomorrow, or 3 weeks from now, who knows? I won't connect with this part of myself and will feel ridiculous. Right now, I hate the happy part of myself, the part who doesn't understand my own self. Right now, this is me, lonely as the last person left on the planet.

Logically, I understand that I must, and SHOULD love myself. But I can't. I need unconditional love, from myself before anyone else. But I can't give that. How could I? It's my perception that is flawed. My own parent's don't understand half the things I say or feel, and have accepted that. I however, see that as a defeat. They gave up on me. I know that may not be true, but that's how I perceive it. 

I'm plagued by these flawed perceptions, that I can never run far enough from. They float round in my head, coming back ever so often unlaid ghosts. "Too sensitive", "too stupid", "not beautiful enough", "not skinny enough", "not outgoing enough", "not hardworking enough".

No friends. No family. 

On good days, I pity this self, because I can't understand. So i can't fix it. But who else can?

It's going to be incredibly hard and painful leaving one more place. Another loss. A place that could have been home, but won't. I'll be homeless once more. In the metaphorical sense (thankfully. see how ridiculously shallow and unjustified my pain is?) I'm that cat who belongs to no one. And no one belongs to it. The no name cat. 

I want to do anything BUT settle down, but it's what i desperately NEED. A place to call mine, to find home. TO have people I can call mine, chosen by me, and not genetics and blood (although, unwittingly influenced by)

I don't want to need people, I want to be evolved, and to be happy with myself, but sometime's, like now, that's all I really wish for. I don't understand why. Is it just biology? Me being a slave to archaic drives? 

I want to be more than that, but I also know by now that I'll never be happy, I'll never be content, no matter what. I will always have regrets. Because that's who I am. 

Life is filled with constant loss for me. It is coping with the loss. And some days are better than others.

Author's Note

I like to start my sentences with Buts, Becauses and Ands. I know. That's horrible. Oops!