The Tea Kettle

What would you do if you had three wishes?

Erin was not an attractive woman. She was about forty pounds overweight and as pale as a ghost, with hair as thin and dry as hay, and a splotchy and asymmetrical face. All the same, her bubbly personality made up for everything wrong with her appearance. Or so she thought.

Earlier today, she had a date with a total babe. No, really. This guy was hot. He stood a couple inches over six foot, with jet black hair and an a*s you could bounce a quarter off of. His shirts were always tight enough to show off his rippling muscles. And, best of all, he was hung like a whale. I would say hung like a horse, but, really, can you imagine how satisfied the lady whales must be? When Erin first met him, she thought he had three legs.

But ten minutes before show time, Mr. Hunk called and canceled on her. Now Erin - she can take rejection quite well. Nearly fifty years of life set her up for repeated disappointment. She accepted that she would probably never find Mr. Right, and she was okay with that. After she hung up the phone, she didn't cry. All she did was add a new notch to her bed frame (she was nearly up to triple digits) and ate a carton of expired peppermint bonbon ice cream.

Later, Erin decided a little fresh air would do her some good. So she went for a stroll along the coastline. She strode along the beach, hands in her pockets, whistling I Want to Know What Love Is while watching the sunset. Then, all of a sudden, she spotted something up ahead.

About twenty feet ahead was a tall rock with something shiny on top. Naturally, Erin went to check it out. As she got closer, she realized the shiny thing was a solid gold tea kettle. The rock was tall - almost a full eight feet off the ground - but that was a fine tea kettle; it would fit perfectly with the fine China she got for her birthday last year. She simply had to have it. She rolled up her sleeves, did a few stretches, and tossed her bra to the side. The breeze took it and carried it into the ocean for some (un)lucky fisherman to find.

After twenty minutes of excruciating effort, she managed to reach the top of the rock. She sat down on top to catch her breath. She picked up the tea kettle, turning it over in her hands. She rubbed the stem happily, imagining she was handling Mr. Hunk's pride and joy. After a moment, the metal heated and burned her hand.

She cried out and dropped the tea kettle. It landed on the rock and shattered. She looked after it for a moment, confused.

Then a deep booming voice rang out: "YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM MY LAMP! IN RETURN, I WILL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES."

Erin covered her ears with her hands. "You don't have to yell! I can hear you just fine."

"OH," the voice said. "Ahem, sorry about that."

"Whatever," Erin said. "Where are you anyway?"

"Why, I'm right in front of you!" Erin felt a playful pinch on her n****e and looked down. Sure enough, a tiny black speck was poking out of her modest cleavage. She had to squint to make out its face. It resembled a grasshopper, but it wore a top hat and a monocle, stood on two legs, and held an umbrella almost like a cane. A huge grin was plastered on its face.

"And what might you be?" Erin asked.

"I am a mighty genie!" the grasshopper said, bowing slightly, his hat brushing against her curly red chest hair. "And I will grant you three wishes for freeing me from my prison."

"Prison?" Erin asked.

He raised an eyebrow. "Indeed! By rubbing that lamp, you've freed me!"

"Lamp? You mean that tea kettle?"

His smile faded for a second, only to return immediately. "No, I mean the lamp." He cleared his throat. "I will grant you three wishes!" he repeated.

Erin scratched her head, as if hearing him for the first time. "Really?"

"Yes, ma'am! Anything you want."

Erin laughed and shook her head. "Okay then, if you're really so great and mighty, then make me pretty." She crossed her arms.

The grasshopper smirked cockily and snapped his fingers. At first, nothing happened. But then Erin felt the bones in her face contort. Her clothes suddenly seemed a few sizes too large, yet somehow tight on her chest. She felt above her lips and almost cried with joy. "My mustache is gone!"

She jumped off of the rock and ran to the water, looking at her reflection. She couldn't make out much through the ripples in the water, but something was certainly different.

"Allow me," the grasshopper said. Suddenly a full-length mirror materialized in front of her. She gasped.

She had a perfect hourglass figure. Her hair was wavy and vibrantly red. Her chest was noticeably larger and hair-free. Her face was almond shaped and smooth. But still, something wasn't quite right. She couldn't get men looking like this. Not the men she wanted, anyway.

Just as quickly as the mirror appeared, it vanished. The grasshopper jumped out from between her b***s and landed on the sand by Erin's feet. He tipped his hat. "And what is your second wish?"

"Second wish?" Erin thoughtfully rubbed above her lip, then remember her facial hair was gone. "I could use me a good man, but, well . . . I guess . . . When I looked in the mirror just now . . . I may be pretty, but I'm still forty-seven. I wish I was Eighteen again!" She frowned. "Oh, wait, no! I love me some schnapps . . . Make me twenty-one again!"

"No problem." He sang a little ditty, and Erin once again felt her face shift. She touched her soft skin, then gave her chest an experimental squeeze.

"Perky," she said with a smile.

"Alright," the grasshopper said, checking his watch. "I got places to be. What'll it be?"

"Oh," Erin said, suddenly somber. She crouched down to be as close to eye-level with the grasshopper as she could be. "Please, oh mighty and powerful genie, let me see my father again! You see, he died in a car accident a few years back, and I miss him dearly."

The little guy nodded sympathetically. "It shall be done." He clapped his hands twice, and a familiar figure materialized next to Erin.

Erin turned, a look of pure elation on her face, but her happiness soon faded. "Wait," she said. "Something's not right. This isn't my father! He's the mailman!"

Author's Note

Trying a new style, one that I borrowed from a friend.

Awarded "Jim Carrey" in the "BET YOU CAN'T STOP LAUGHING" contest

Reviews

[.]

Hahaha! Very well done, Clifford!

It is difficult to write a story that is slyly poking fun at its main character and not come across to the reader as being mean spirited. You have succeeded very well in this story at creating a humorous character that can laugh at herself and make the reader laugh with her, while also infusing her with heart and soul and evoking pathos in the reader for her and her plight.

An interesting take on the "Genie in the lamp" theme; I had strange visions of Jiminy Cricket tapdancing on that womans bosom as i read this! And your conclusion was very well executed and rounded out the story in a very funny way.

Congrats on this one! Very, very well written. An immensely enjoyable read!

[Jacob Clifford]

I wonder how many times someone has been able to say "Jiminy Cricket tapdancing on that woman's bosom" and have it make sense. Haha. I always appreciate your thoughtful and technical comments. Thanks for reading.

[Carolynn]

Hahaha!! This was so fun Clifford - a hilarious twist on the genie in a bottle story - it was full of humor from beginning to end. Well done! :)

[Jacob Clifford]

Thanks, Carolynn. It can be fun putting a twist on old, classic concepts.

[Fahmida Mehreen]

Did not quite see this ending coming. But well, that is the specialty of your writings.
Glad that you shared.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you, Fahmida.

[Akshita]

This is a really brisk and entertaining story.
Loved reading it!

[Jacob Clifford]

Thanks, Akshita. I'm glad you enjoyed my attempts at humor.

[Stan Lee]

Oh my oh my Clifford!!!! You actually made me laugh out loud & honestly I was feeling pretty down before I read this. You've made my day!! This was hilarious from start to (brilliant) finish! Smooth and very entertaining story. 100/100. I need to quickly stop here before I start raving like a loony. Brilllllllllliant!!!

[Jacob Clifford]

Such a flattering review! I'm absolutely thrilled I was able to make your day better. Thank you for reading.

[PhoenixDown]

I can appreciate this. If done right, this style can provide many opportunities to teach lessons & make great points. Excellent crowd control. Well done, Cliff. Bold, as well as successful attempt.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you, Phoenix. It's always a relief when an attempt it successful. It can do us good to step out of our comfort zones every once in a while.

[PhoenixDown]

Absolutely!
You are welcome.

[Stanley R. Teater]

Nice story. I wasn't expecting that twist. Very funny and enjoyable.

[Jacob Clifford]

I'm glad that twist is coming through for people. Thank you for reading.

[Woody]

hahaha right up my alley, Cliff. very funny and never saw that ending coming either. hung like a whale? Gee his legs must've looked tiny by comparison :)
I like this new style.

[Jacob Clifford]

I'm glad you like it, Woody. I had you in mind when I wrote it.

[Stan Lee]

I assume you're referring to the style............ rofl. :D Sorry, me and my mind!

[Woody]

well I'm mighty flattered Cliff :)

[Woody]

of course he's referring to the style, you silly girl :)))))

[Stan Lee]

lol, sorry! I couldn't resist! :D

[Jacob Clifford]

XD Yes, I'm sure Woody is most certainly hung like a whale, but I was referring to the style. This is a great conversation to wake up to.

[Woody]

haha just thought of something Cliff. the title is the lamp as in Ali Baba's magic lamp but inside the story it's a teakettle! discrepancy?

[Jacob Clifford]

That was meant to be Erin's POV. The genie says it's a lamp, so it was supposed to be Erin just not being the brightest and not seeing it correctly

[Woody]

ok gotcha...