The Tea Kettle

What would you do if you had three wishes?

Erin was not an attractive woman. She was about forty pounds overweight and as pale as a ghost, with hair as thin and dry as hay, and a splotchy and asymmetrical face. All the same, her bubbly personality made up for everything wrong with her appearance. Or so she thought.

Earlier today, she had a date with a total babe. No, really. This guy was hot. He stood a couple inches over six foot, with jet black hair and an a*s you could bounce a quarter off of. His shirts were always tight enough to show off his rippling muscles. And, best of all, he was hung like a whale. I would say hung like a horse, but, really, can you imagine how satisfied the lady whales must be? When Erin first met him, she thought he had three legs.

But ten minutes before show time, Mr. Hunk called and canceled on her. Now Erin - she can take rejection quite well. Nearly fifty years of life set her up for repeated disappointment. She accepted that she would probably never find Mr. Right, and she was okay with that. After she hung up the phone, she didn't cry. All she did was add a new notch to her bed frame (she was nearly up to triple digits) and ate a carton of expired peppermint bonbon ice cream.

Later, Erin decided a little fresh air would do her some good. So she went for a stroll along the coastline. She strode along the beach, hands in her pockets, whistling I Want to Know What Love Is while watching the sunset. Then, all of a sudden, she spotted something up ahead.

About twenty feet ahead was a tall rock with something shiny on top. Naturally, Erin went to check it out. As she got closer, she realized the shiny thing was a solid gold tea kettle. The rock was tall - almost a full eight feet off the ground - but that was a fine tea kettle; it would fit perfectly with the fine China she got for her birthday last year. She simply had to have it. She rolled up her sleeves, did a few stretches, and tossed her bra to the side. The breeze took it and carried it into the ocean for some (un)lucky fisherman to find.

After twenty minutes of excruciating effort, she managed to reach the top of the rock. She sat down on top to catch her breath. She picked up the tea kettle, turning it over in her hands. She rubbed the stem happily, imagining she was handling Mr. Hunk's pride and joy. After a moment, the metal heated and burned her hand.

She cried out and dropped the tea kettle. It landed on the rock and shattered. She looked after it for a moment, confused.

Then a deep booming voice rang out: "YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM MY LAMP! IN RETURN, I WILL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES."

Erin covered her ears with her hands. "You don't have to yell! I can hear you just fine."

"OH," the voice said. "Ahem, sorry about that."

"Whatever," Erin said. "Where are you anyway?"

"Why, I'm right in front of you!" Erin felt a playful pinch on her n****e and looked down. Sure enough, a tiny black speck was poking out of her modest cleavage. She had to squint to make out its face. It resembled a grasshopper, but it wore a top hat and a monocle, stood on two legs, and held an umbrella almost like a cane. A huge grin was plastered on its face.

"And what might you be?" Erin asked.

"I am a mighty genie!" the grasshopper said, bowing slightly, his hat brushing against her curly red chest hair. "And I will grant you three wishes for freeing me from my prison."

"Prison?" Erin asked.

He raised an eyebrow. "Indeed! By rubbing that lamp, you've freed me!"

"Lamp? You mean that tea kettle?"

His smile faded for a second, only to return immediately. "No, I mean the lamp." He cleared his throat. "I will grant you three wishes!" he repeated.

Erin scratched her head, as if hearing him for the first time. "Really?"

"Yes, ma'am! Anything you want."

Erin laughed and shook her head. "Okay then, if you're really so great and mighty, then make me pretty." She crossed her arms.

The grasshopper smirked cockily and snapped his fingers. At first, nothing happened. But then Erin felt the bones in her face contort. Her clothes suddenly seemed a few sizes too large, yet somehow tight on her chest. She felt above her lips and almost cried with joy. "My mustache is gone!"

She jumped off of the rock and ran to the water, looking at her reflection. She couldn't make out much through the ripples in the water, but something was certainly different.

"Allow me," the grasshopper said. Suddenly a full-length mirror materialized in front of her. She gasped.

She had a perfect hourglass figure. Her hair was wavy and vibrantly red. Her chest was noticeably larger and hair-free. Her face was almond shaped and smooth. But still, something wasn't quite right. She couldn't get men looking like this. Not the men she wanted, anyway.

Just as quickly as the mirror appeared, it vanished. The grasshopper jumped out from between her b***s and landed on the sand by Erin's feet. He tipped his hat. "And what is your second wish?"

"Second wish?" Erin thoughtfully rubbed above her lip, then remember her facial hair was gone. "I could use me a good man, but, well . . . I guess . . . When I looked in the mirror just now . . . I may be pretty, but I'm still forty-seven. I wish I was Eighteen again!" She frowned. "Oh, wait, no! I love me some schnapps . . . Make me twenty-one again!"

"No problem." He sang a little ditty, and Erin once again felt her face shift. She touched her soft skin, then gave her chest an experimental squeeze.

"Perky," she said with a smile.

"Alright," the grasshopper said, checking his watch. "I got places to be. What'll it be?"

"Oh," Erin said, suddenly somber. She crouched down to be as close to eye-level with the grasshopper as she could be. "Please, oh mighty and powerful genie, let me see my father again! You see, he died in a car accident a few years back, and I miss him dearly."

The little guy nodded sympathetically. "It shall be done." He clapped his hands twice, and a familiar figure materialized next to Erin.

Erin turned, a look of pure elation on her face, but her happiness soon faded. "Wait," she said. "Something's not right. This isn't my father! He's the mailman!"

Author's Note

Trying a new style, one that I borrowed from a friend.

Awarded "Jim Carrey" in the "BET YOU CAN'T STOP LAUGHING" contest

Reviews

[.]

Hahaha! Very well done, Clifford!

It is difficult to write a story that is slyly poking fun at its main character and not come across to the reader as being mean spirited. You have succeeded very well in this story at creating a humorous character that can laugh at herself and make the reader laugh with her, while also infusing her with heart and soul and evoking pathos in the reader for her and her plight.

An interesting take on the "Genie in the lamp" theme; I had strange visions of Jiminy Cricket tapdancing on that womans bosom as i read this! And your conclusion was very well executed and rounded out the story in a very funny way.

Congrats on this one! Very, very well written. An immensely enjoyable read!

[Jacob Clifford]

I wonder how many times someone has been able to say "Jiminy Cricket tapdancing on that woman's bosom" and have it make sense. Haha. I always appreciate your thoughtful and technical comments. Thanks for reading.

[Morgan Yai]

I very much enjoyed reading this. Definitely put a smile on my face. I like the wit and cleverness. Quite the fun little story you've got here. Glad I took the time to read! ;) Keep it up, Clifford!

[Jacob Clifford]

Long time so see, Morgan! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Thank you for reading.

[Ashish]

Totally enjoyed this piece.
Three wishes! Hmm.
I am actually thinking what I would tell if I am in her place :P

Thanks for sharing :)

[Jacob Clifford]

Erin's wishes of beauty/youth/love would be very tempting to most people, I think. Glad you enjoyed. Thanks for reading.

[richieb]

Very humorous and creative. This type of story always gets the wheels spinning. We all would love to have three wishes and material gifts always populate the mind. You kept your readers interest and mixed in witty tidbits to keep a smile on our face. Well done, I enjoyed your story.
Richie b.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you, Richie. I always appreciate your reviews. I'm glad you got some enjoyment from this.

[Vria P Crow]

I was captivated from the very beginning. There was a consistent and humorous tone throughout the story; concise and hilarious. I knew from the start that this was a comedy. The grasshopper was absolutely wonderful; I chuckled at his perverted nature, sitting in her cleavage. It was obvious that genies are not what they seem. "Be careful what you wish for" was a common message and this story takes a unique turn. I laughed hysterically at the ending because of the morbid humor; the twist that her mother obviously cheated on the father was certainly dark humor.

Overall, this read as a clever joke that you may hear at a bar. Thank you for sharing and experimenting with a new style. I will be browsing your other work.

sincerely,
ria

[Jacob Clifford]

Awesome review, Ria. Thanks a ton. I was having a bit of a bad night, but your review turned that around. I'm thrilled you got a laugh from this story, and I enjoyed hearing just what exactly you liked about the story.

[Vria P Crow]

You are very welcome. :) I'm pleased that it turned your night around. It is never good to go to sleep upset.

[matrixmark]

Great descriptions from the start. 3 legs....did i chuckle. Such intriguing writing. I really did have visions of this little man granting this woman her 3 wishes by the sea. I have never read anythng quite like it. Curious and fascinating are the words i would use. Really, really intriguing indeed.

Mark.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you very much, Mark. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[barleygirl]

Anyone could recognize this as a tribute to Woody's hilarious tongue-in-cheek style of playful outrageousness! *smile* Good emulation! He's inspired a couple of my more outrageous pieces, too. I like the way you wove a gentle sexuality thru-out this (gentle, except for the part where the guy is hung like a whale of course -- hilarious!) . . . your outrageous asides, altho patterned after Woody's style, were all uniquely your own. I love that your imagination is off the charts (like facial & chest hair on a woman). I love that the story begins with an off-the-charts description of her homely looks, instead of the cliché ugliness that many writers might employ. The entire story is so twisted with originality, I never would've expected the ending "twist" to be an old classic line. Good job of surprising us with that ending.

[Jacob Clifford]

Yes, that Woody is quite a card, isn't he? And to properly emulate him, I absolutely had to have sexuality throughout. I'm glad the anti-clicheness came through, only to surprise you with the ending. You always catch those little things I put in my writing. Thank you for leaving your thoughts.

[E G TEN]

An ending with a humour twist, your quite a story teller.
I enjoy the characters very much, keep it coming buddy, very, cool" EG.;)

[Jacob Clifford]

Thanks, EG. Glad you enjoyed.

[Hannah]

In the first paragraph, I think the second and third sentences could be one sentence. It feels a bit odd as it is.

This story is enjoyable to read. It had a lot of surprising and funny things that made me pause to laugh. I really like the genie's personality and how he does something different for each wish. The way you described him (top hat) made me think of Jiminy Cricket. I was not ready for that ending.

[Jacob Clifford]

I took your suggestion about the first paragraph. I'm glad you got some enjoyment out of this story. I had Jiminy in mind when I wrote this story, and I went back and made the resemblance more obvious.

[Shannon]

Most creative thing here. The tiny little genie, all mighty. Of course I was expecting something to be wrong with the first two wishes and/ or a corpse. Excellent twist.

Well done and entertaining.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thanks for appreciating my silly story. Glad you enjoyed it.