The Crash (Poem)

The glass leaves his grasp, shattering across the kitchen floor;

the wife freezes, teeth squeezing thin lips;

The young boy drops his jaw, bruised eyes darting to the door;

The husband sighs, pushes back his chair, his hands on hips.

 

With familiar motions, the man removes his belt.

The woman buries her face in scarred hands;

The boy's hands cover his face, hiding yesterday's welt;

The husband closes the distance, conjuring plans.

 

His belt whips forward, the crack like lightning.

The boy's cries ring out, piercing the night.

Crack! Crack! Crack! for eternity the blows keep heightening.

Waves of defeat roll off the boy, mingling with his fright.

Author's Note

This is kind of a dark and unpleasant topic, I realize. Tell me what you think. Advice and thoughts are welcome, as always.

Reviews

[AE]

I like how this is a story, but it still has a rhyming scheme. It's interesting how in the first stanza, you know the kid slipped up, broke the glass, oops. Then in the second stanza, you start to get cautious and worried and you can feel the fear start to creep up on you. Then it sucked (not the poem, because I really like the poem). I didn't expect for it to be like that. I actually winced because I've felt the crack of a belt before and the immediate fear when you see it, then that lingering feeling afterword when you walk off feeling defeated.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you so much! That's exactly what I was going for: that creeping fear. That's a good point you made about that feeling of defeat. I may have to make some modifications and incorporate that. Thanks for reading!

[LovePoetry0004]

It was really interesting, a good story. Creepy topic, but thats what this contest is. Sad to think that stuff like this happens in real life. Great description though, not too detailed, just the right amount....

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you very much, LP. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i think some people should not be parents and should not have significant others upon whom to
elicit pain just to make themselves feel worthy----this kind of abuse comes from deep within a vacant well.

strong piece...made me angry reading it... i think this kind of abuse is worse than murder.

[Jacob Clifford]

I very much agree with you. Some people need to work on themselves before bringing other people into their lives.

[Gee]

A difficult subject, few tackle, you have and made quite a good fist of it.Thought the rhyming was a little off, but perhaps meant ?

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you for reading, Gee. I've never been great with rhyming, but I don't see where it's off.

[Gee]

Hi, I as many others often syllable count to give an even flow, that's not to say that's right or any better than the poem which you have posted, which I enjoyed It is just a personal preference and my comment was just that and not meant in any way as a criticism. Feel free to comment on any of my scribbles. Regards Gee

[Jacob Clifford]

Ah, I forgot about syllables. I don't bother with syllable counting (I'm too lazy) but more power too anyone who does. Thank you for your comments.

[Gee]

My pleasure

[Usman Muhammad]

Well done Clifford.
You have done a great job here. I really liked the rhythm of the poem and how it represented emotion of different characters. To pack too many details in these stanzas is a very difficult task but you have done it quite beautifully.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thanks again, Usman. I appreciate your praise.

[barleygirl]

As a child of abuse, I can say that you've nailed this one with the perfect balance between the horror of violence against loved ones, yet without being melodramatic, maybe even slightly methodical instead, such are those moments of bracing for the worst. This is the poster child for "SHOW don't tell" -- the first rule of good writing. So many original descriptions to let us know how these people are feeling without ever telling us about it one bit. Great realistic depiction. It happens often, so it's not dark & gross (as stated in your author's note) like there's something wrong with writing about it truthfully.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you very much. I strive to be truthful and unbiased in how I write.

[BL]

You've got a lot of action detail in with a few short lines and you have told the story within the poem well. It's good to have poems about different subjects like this.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you, Be.

[L_]

Written lovely, the rhymes act as a blanket covering the reality of the piece to present it in a fairytale-esque fashion until you read on.
Good work.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you, Lyra. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Bacchus]

Oh, how sad and scary-
you brought us there though.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you for reading.

[Roland Petrov]

What's frightening is how relatively normal this was when I was growing up. You've captured it really well. What's slightly confusing is the second stanza where the boy hides a welt on his face, so he obviously already got a backhand, but father is still closing the gap. Apart from that, this is a wicked poem about child abuse, and I mean it as a compliment.

[Jacob Clifford]

Thank you, Roland. The kid's welt is from a past abuse session. He hide as a way of hiding from his past and what's about to happen.

[Roland Petrov]

Makes sense, but not sure the reader will figure this out. How about "hiding yesterday's welt", or some such?

[Jacob Clifford]

That's a very good suggestion, Roland--thank you. I would like to say I'll make the correction, but I'm not sure I'll remember to, haha.

[James]

It Tells a horrible story, but one a lot of us can relate to. As I read this I could picture my dad coming at me. It seems like it was the little offenses that drew thew worst punishments. Of course, maybe that's why I never got into big trouble. Its a touchy subject to write about, but one that needs more attention.

Because I write in rhythmic patterns it's hard for me not to try to read in one. But, I think this is a story that needs to be written just as it was, with a serious tone.

Thanks.

[Jacob Clifford]

Very accurate points you've made in this review. Thank you very much for reading.