I like how this is a story, but it still has a rhyming scheme. It's interesting how in the first stanza, you know the kid slipped up, broke the glass, oops. Then in the second stanza, you start to get cautious and worried and you can feel the fear start to creep up on you. Then it sucked (not the poem, because I really like the poem). I didn't expect for it to be like that. I actually winced because I've felt the crack of a belt before and the immediate fear when you see it, then that lingering feeling afterword when you walk off feeling defeated.
Posted 8 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Thank you so much! That's exactly what I was going for: that creeping fear. That's a good point you .. read moreThank you so much! That's exactly what I was going for: that creeping fear. That's a good point you made about that feeling of defeat. I may have to make some modifications and incorporate that. Thanks for reading!
It was really interesting, a good story. Creepy topic, but thats what this contest is. Sad to think that stuff like this happens in real life. Great description though, not too detailed, just the right amount....
i think some people should not be parents and should not have significant others upon whom to
elicit pain just to make themselves feel worthy----this kind of abuse comes from deep within a vacant well.
strong piece...made me angry reading it... i think this kind of abuse is worse than murder.
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
I very much agree with you. Some people need to work on themselves before bringing other people into.. read moreI very much agree with you. Some people need to work on themselves before bringing other people into their lives.
Hi, I as many others often syllable count to give an even flow, that's not to say that's right or an.. read moreHi, I as many others often syllable count to give an even flow, that's not to say that's right or any better than the poem which you have posted, which I enjoyed It is just a personal preference and my comment was just that and not meant in any way as a criticism. Feel free to comment on any of my scribbles. Regards Gee
8 Years Ago
Ah, I forgot about syllables. I don't bother with syllable counting (I'm too lazy) but more power to.. read moreAh, I forgot about syllables. I don't bother with syllable counting (I'm too lazy) but more power too anyone who does. Thank you for your comments.
Well done Clifford.
You have done a great job here. I really liked the rhythm of the poem and how it represented emotion of different characters. To pack too many details in these stanzas is a very difficult task but you have done it quite beautifully.
As a child of abuse, I can say that you've nailed this one with the perfect balance between the horror of violence against loved ones, yet without being melodramatic, maybe even slightly methodical instead, such are those moments of bracing for the worst. This is the poster child for "SHOW don't tell" -- the first rule of good writing. So many original descriptions to let us know how these people are feeling without ever telling us about it one bit. Great realistic depiction. It happens often, so it's not dark & gross (as stated in your author's note) like there's something wrong with writing about it truthfully.
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Thank you very much. I strive to be truthful and unbiased in how I write.
You've got a lot of action detail in with a few short lines and you have told the story within the poem well. It's good to have poems about different subjects like this.
What's frightening is how relatively normal this was when I was growing up. You've captured it really well. What's slightly confusing is the second stanza where the boy hides a welt on his face, so he obviously already got a backhand, but father is still closing the gap. Apart from that, this is a wicked poem about child abuse, and I mean it as a compliment.
Thank you, Roland. The kid's welt is from a past abuse session. He hide as a way of hiding from his .. read moreThank you, Roland. The kid's welt is from a past abuse session. He hide as a way of hiding from his past and what's about to happen.
8 Years Ago
Makes sense, but not sure the reader will figure this out. How about "hiding yesterday's welt", or s.. read moreMakes sense, but not sure the reader will figure this out. How about "hiding yesterday's welt", or some such?
8 Years Ago
That's a very good suggestion, Roland--thank you. I would like to say I'll make the correction, but .. read moreThat's a very good suggestion, Roland--thank you. I would like to say I'll make the correction, but I'm not sure I'll remember to, haha.
It Tells a horrible story, but one a lot of us can relate to. As I read this I could picture my dad coming at me. It seems like it was the little offenses that drew thew worst punishments. Of course, maybe that's why I never got into big trouble. Its a touchy subject to write about, but one that needs more attention.
Because I write in rhythmic patterns it's hard for me not to try to read in one. But, I think this is a story that needs to be written just as it was, with a serious tone.
Thanks.
Posted 8 Years Ago
8 Years Ago
Very accurate points you've made in this review. Thank you very much for reading.
Thank you, my Cafe family, for all that you have done for me. This has been a wonderful period of my life. If any of you ever want to reach me, feel free to send me an email at [email protected]... more..