HANG ON

My first humble attempt at poetry ....

Look  deep in my eyes,

Look beyond all the lies,

There 's grief there 's pain

Lots of scars down the lane,

Fractured  bones and broken heart

Tear drops from the very start.

Walking on the thorny path

Facing all the people's wrath, 

Crazy noise and useless fights,

Hazy days and gloomy nights,

Long chains and lonely walks,

Moking folks and heavy locks.

When life 's not so easy, 

Tempting is the coffin so cozy.

My mind says "Thats it,

You have done your bit.

The journey ends here ,

Now we've nothing to fear

In that underground nest,

Lets just lie down n rest.

"NO" said my heart,

As sharp as a dart.

"Your life has a reason,

Giving up would be treason,

Now days are dark I agree

But soon we all will be free,

The pain will cease 

And there will be peace.

So dust up and move on

This journey you must carry on,

For deep under the ground,

A beautiful sunrise cannot be found.

Author's Note

this is my first attempt at poetry ... please suggest the areas to improve

Reviews

[R. L. Hill]

Bravo. First try? I have a hard time believing you. Haha. Have you tried writing poetry where you leave all sense of punctuation out? You can use breaks in lines of thought and emphasizing particular words to accentuate meaning. Emily Dickinson is well-known for her use of Capitalization to bring the reader's attention to particular words that hold certain meaning or importance to the work as a whole. I often write poetry in a way that I know will hold weight when read aloud. That's just a personal trick. The beauty of having your own art is your ability and freedom to express it however you wish.

I have favorited this because I love how you have shed a hued light on the reality of suicide. "'No' said my heart/As sharp as a dart./'Your life has a reason/Giving up would be treason" Favorite lines. I really hope to continue seeing work from you.

[Cletus]

thanks for taking out your valuable time to read this piece ... well the problem is that I am a bit on the lazy side when it comes to reading ,so i have not been exposed to much of poetry ... poems from my literature classes in school form the major chunk of the poems that i have read ... but slowly i am developing the reading habit ... moreover this community is really helpful and encouraging ... i hope on improving my writing style and grammar .. thanks once again for the review

[R. L. Hill]

Use this place as a source then. It is full of all genres of poetry and prose. Quite a well you have in front of you. Keep writing!

[Cletus]

yeah sure ...

[Cassy Samuels]

Since its your first work i have to say this is really nice, most people have corrected you...i dnt have much to add, but i just might say...Keep it up!

[Cletus]

thanks for the review Cassy :)

[Dominique Lambright]

Wow I really enjoyed this. You depicted your title well throughout the poem. I think u did a great job :)

[Cletus]

thanks for the review Dom

[Dominique Lambright]

You're welcome

[Laura Harrison]

To say this is your first attempt at poetry, it's amazing! Life can be difficult at times, but we can overcome everything :)

[Cletus]

yeah ... we just need to hang on ... dark times will fade away ..

[sonnie ibadah]

such a neat flow, easy rhythm...are you sure this is your first time? LOL!..very inspiring, well done.

[Cletus]

thanks ... and yeah its my first time :)

[sonnie ibadah]

well, you're a natural then...

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

Wow, this is really good. I enjoyed reading this and I think it is good as is. I think everyone can relate to this and I like how you ended it, yes this life is dark and hard at times but there will be a time when there will be no more pain and everlasting peace.

Great Job

[Cletus]

thanks a lot ... that was very kind of you

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

You're welcome

[Bob Sherunkle]

Thoroughly enjoyed this Cletus.Very punchy,good rythme too it.Good job!

[Cletus]

thanks Bob :)

[Tennessee]

It does have some grammatical issues but I am not so much concerned with that, it can be taught but talent cannot. Plus Megan R beat me to it. This is your first try and a good one. I like the different approach you took. Instead of stating the common hopelessness thoughts of "Who would care if I left anyways" and "They'd be better off without me" You said

"Thats it,
You have done your bit.
The journey ends here ,
Now we've nothing to fear
In that underground nest,
Lets just lie down n rest."

It read more like my job here is done and it is time to move on. It continues with the ending in not giving up so to speak. It is a unique piece on suicide and One I won't soon forget. Only one suggestion if I might, with such a different and unique piece of work, maybe the title should follow. Just maybe something more unique than HANG ON. Perhaps the difference between the coffin and sunrise, just spitballing here. Just my thoughts kid, I liked it.

[Cletus]

thanks ... hope i will improve my grammar with some help from this community ... thanks once again for the review

[De-personalize Yourself]

This is awesome, especially considering it's your first attempt. However, there are a few bits that need improvement.
-there should be a comma separating "there's grief there's pain" (there's grief, there's pain). Not only is it grammatically correct, but the punctuation also lends a helping hand to the rhythm and flow of the poem.
-"walking on a thorny path" would sound better written as "walking down a thorny path". Again, it improves the rhythm and flow of the poem.
-"moking folks and heavy locks"; after looking up the definition of "moking", I realized it may have been a typo... Did you mean "mocking"? :'D
-"when life's not so easy, tempting is the coffin so cozy"; this stanza has a lot of meaning, but I really don't like the way it sounds. It seems out of place amongst the longer stanzas. Also, it does not flow as well as the rest of the poem. Getting rid of it altogether would be a misfortune, as it does pack a powerful punch, so could you perhaps find a way to reword it and/or incorporate it into one of its neighboring stanzas?
-"Now we've nothing to fear"; a beautiful line, but changing the contraction "we've" to "we have" would improve the rhythm of the stanza.
-"'NO' said my heart"; change "said" to "says" to maintain the consistency of the first person point of view you use throughout the poem.

Very very good work with a lot of emotion and a beautiful message. I look forward to reading more of your poetry xox

[Cletus]

thanks a lot ... that was really helpful ... and yeah i did mean "mocking" .. it was a typo :)