HANG ON

My first humble attempt at poetry ....

Look  deep in my eyes,

Look beyond all the lies,

There 's grief there 's pain

Lots of scars down the lane,

Fractured  bones and broken heart

Tear drops from the very start.

Walking on the thorny path

Facing all the people's wrath, 

Crazy noise and useless fights,

Hazy days and gloomy nights,

Long chains and lonely walks,

Moking folks and heavy locks.

When life 's not so easy, 

Tempting is the coffin so cozy.

My mind says "Thats it,

You have done your bit.

The journey ends here ,

Now we've nothing to fear

In that underground nest,

Lets just lie down n rest.

"NO" said my heart,

As sharp as a dart.

"Your life has a reason,

Giving up would be treason,

Now days are dark I agree

But soon we all will be free,

The pain will cease 

And there will be peace.

So dust up and move on

This journey you must carry on,

For deep under the ground,

A beautiful sunrise cannot be found.

Author's Note

this is my first attempt at poetry ... please suggest the areas to improve

Reviews

[R. L. Hill]

Bravo. First try? I have a hard time believing you. Haha. Have you tried writing poetry where you leave all sense of punctuation out? You can use breaks in lines of thought and emphasizing particular words to accentuate meaning. Emily Dickinson is well-known for her use of Capitalization to bring the reader's attention to particular words that hold certain meaning or importance to the work as a whole. I often write poetry in a way that I know will hold weight when read aloud. That's just a personal trick. The beauty of having your own art is your ability and freedom to express it however you wish.

I have favorited this because I love how you have shed a hued light on the reality of suicide. "'No' said my heart/As sharp as a dart./'Your life has a reason/Giving up would be treason" Favorite lines. I really hope to continue seeing work from you.

[Cletus]

thanks for taking out your valuable time to read this piece ... well the problem is that I am a bit on the lazy side when it comes to reading ,so i have not been exposed to much of poetry ... poems from my literature classes in school form the major chunk of the poems that i have read ... but slowly i am developing the reading habit ... moreover this community is really helpful and encouraging ... i hope on improving my writing style and grammar .. thanks once again for the review

[R. L. Hill]

Use this place as a source then. It is full of all genres of poetry and prose. Quite a well you have in front of you. Keep writing!

[Cletus]

yeah sure ...

[TL Boehm]

I remember the first poem I wrote. Your's is better. trust me.
When life 's not so easy,
Tempting is the coffin so cozy.
that above is a sobering line.
Well penned.

[Kuandio]

It’s very nice to be able to read someone’s first poem.
The second to last stanza was my favorite by far, it still rhymes, but it also is jolting compared to the rest, grabs me with an urgency and meaning that was less pronounced through the rest. The last stanza was also good. I guess the first parts were a little cliché in terms of poetry. You could try to sum a lot of those feelings in just a few lines. The theme is powerful of course, one a lot of people can relate to.
Overall, this is good, but it is very good considering that it’s your first poem
And I agree, your life, all our lives, have purpose, so let’s not ever give up!

[hymnstothegods]

You have a good ear for sound, not just rhyme. It flows really well, and I like the last stanza a good deal. As Quirklet has wonderfully discussed, you do a good job of bringing our attention to the struggle between ending, continuing and beginning again. You've done this beautifully by contrasting the heart's cry with the head's instinct, certainly a painful decision for many. Beginning the poem with such darkness and pain and then ending it on such a positive note (For deep underground/A beautiful sunrise cannot be found) is really fantastic and sums up exactly why we should strive on. Really nice job!

[wordman]

sounds like a battle with in you know good and evil just make sure you chose the right one
the poem was good the more you write the better you will be pull from life experiences
just look around what do you see how does it feel what story does it tell now paint that into words

[Laminators Dubai]

cool...gotta admit this is different.

[Cletus]

thanxx ...

[Penny]

I am no one to suggest anything. This is THE best poem i hv read here. Keep it up. Last line was the best. Can't believe i said so much coz u rendered me speechless for 5 minutes after i read this excellent piece.

[Cletus]

thanks a lot ... i am glad that you liked it

[Penny]

Its truly my pleasure.

[Coyote Poetry]

You did very well with your first poem. I was told I was a epic writer. It means I write long and boring poetry. Always be careful to limit the poem to a few places and areas. Don't want to lose the writer. I like the thoughts and how you led the reader to the good ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Cletus]

thanks for the review :)

[wordman]

you did a great job,welcome aboard

[Cletus]

thanks ....

[Andrew Michael Bennett]

This is beautiful! You honestly gave me goosebumps! I've experienced this fight between my head and my heart, and this is a beautiful representation of the emotions that it elicits.

[Cletus]

thanks Andrew ... i am glad that you liked it