Plumbing

A story about a plumber named Sam.

I'm Samuel. I live in an average town in an average city in America. I wake up at five in the morning, sit up, stand up, get dressed, and proceed to ready myself for the day. I wash my face, drink my morning coffee, ready my tools, and, after loading them into the car, drive to work.

I have a rather boring job. At least, that's what it seems like to me. All I do is go to different houses, knock on the door or ring the doorbell, as the case may be, and offer whoever answers my services. Rarely do they accept. Of course, when they DO accept, I go in, look around, bring in my tools, and set to work. This job, too, is rather boring. Most of it is in the cleaning or the setting up. Usually, these steps take close to an hour to do. 

See, my job is messy. When I undo all of the pipes, you know, taking them out, cleaning them, putting them back in, gunk can get everywhere. You would be surprised where I can find some of the leftover gunk. So, I take apart the pipes, clean 'em up, and put 'em back in. 

That is, if they accept.

If not, well, I move on to the next house.

I'm a plumber, in case you didn't pick that up. Yeah, boring. Not much in the way that those pornos show: No, ladies don't call me up for a bang.

Correction: I call myself a plumber. In the same way that Richard Kuklinski was called The Iceman. I just can't understand why people hate me for it. I'm cleaning them out, after all! I do it completely thoroughly. First, they let me in. Then, I cover up the kitchen. Well, most of the time, it's the kitchen. When they ask why I'm doing it, I say it is to take care of any messes that may be made quickly and effectively. Then, I take out my needle and inject them with chlordiazepoxide when they aren't looking. Then comes the duct tape, the cuffs...

Of course, amongst my tools are the various implements I use to dissect my clients, even clean them out. Once they are laid out and I have them open, I start to take apart the pipes. Slice, slice, slice... I can feel their blood on my bare hands. Unfortunately, most of my clients die on the table after the cleaning. I don't know why the hydrogen peroxide doesn't do it's job...

Maybe you'll have better luck with you. I'm just pulling up to your house. You know, the one with the dogs just down the street, and I see a yellow house. Maybe this time...