1 Window

Dear animal who crept through my window, 'GET OUT OF MY TRASH CAN'

     She slipped through the open window, paws landing on the wet counter. She ever so carefully pounced on the floor, her ribs rippling under her silky pelt. The mysteries and stupid remarks her friends whispered into her ear bounced around, like a cat toy caught in the dryer. She sniffed the laundry that hung on one of the cabinets, it smelled of must and cologne. She shook her head, trying to rid her nostrils of the devilish sent, but it was everywhere. The famish feeling crept up on her as the scent of stale food lingered by the trash. She inhaled deeply, relishing the scent of food.

     Her stomach felt as if it was going to eat itself. She stumbled around the trash can, nose to the air. She leapt toward the scent of food; the trash-can tumbled over, spilling trash all over the floor. Snatching trash and scraps, she scarfed down all the food she could find. Then the sound of footsteps flooded her ears, she dashed up the cabinet, onto the wet counter, and through the opened window.

   “Wilbur! Something got into your trash can!” A voice that belonged to a girl shouted.

   “Damn it! What the f**k?” A tall British male entered the kitchen. “Well Shelby, must have entered through the window. Did you see what it was?”

   “No, I just walked into the kitchen and saw the mess.” The girl replied.

Reviews

[JayG]

• She slipped through the open window, landing on the wet counter.

Hmm... So an unknown female, of unknown age, entered an unknown kind of building through a window that she might, or might not have opened, nd did that for unknown reasons. And on entering, she either fell or deliberately dropped, onto a “counter” (could be a store’s counter, or the countertop in a home, or...) that’s wet with an unknown liquid.

For you, who begin reading already knowing where we are, what’s going on, the protagonist’s backstory, and, whose skin we wear, this makes perfect sense. But the reader gets no useable information from the line because you’ve provided no context.

Why do I hit this so hard? Because a confused reader is one that’s turning away. Were this a submission to a publisher, here is where the rejection would come.

• She ever so carefully bounced on the floor, her ribs rippling under her pelt

What? The floor is rubber? And she has rippling-ribs? And a pelt? Seriously?

You know what’s going on. The rib-rippling “she” knows. The people in the story know. But who did you write this for? Shouldn’t they know? You’re talking about things meaningful to you without giving the reader the context you take for granted, and that cannot work.

I support your desire to write. The world needs more crazies who can be staring at a blank wall, and when asked what they’re doing can honestly say, “Working.” But you cannot, cannot, cannot simply guess at how to write fiction — a profession for which they offer degree programs. Would they do that if what hey teach isn't necessary?

As an example, there are three issues we MUST address quickly on entering any scene: Where are we in time and space? What’s going on? Who are we? Fail to do that and you have the situation here: words in a row without context to give them meaning.

We don’t tell people what happens. We don’t use the nonfiction skills that we’re given in school, because they’re nonfiction writing skills that are useful to employers but useless for fiction. We use the emotion-based skills that the pros take for granted. NOTHING ELSE WORKS.

In short: Don’t guess. That doesn’t work. Just as you had to learn the report-writing skills you were given in class, you need to master those of fiction, because while the reader can’t see the tools that are in use as they read, they do see, and appreciate, the result of using those skills. More to the point, they’ll reject what was created without them in a paragraph or less. So to write fiction we must become a fiction writer. There is no way around that. But that’s not a bad thing, because learning what you want to know isn’t a chore, it’s fun. And using those skills as you write make the act of writing a LOT more fun.

So...Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, one of the best books on the basics of how to add wings to your words, is a good place to begin acquiring the skills you need. You can download or read it on the archive site I link to below. So try a few chapters for fit. I think you’ll find it exactly what you need. It will answer the questions you didn’t know you should be asking.
https://archive.org/details/goal.motivation.conflictdebradixon/page/n5/mode/2up

I know this was far from what you hoped to see. And I truly wish there was an easier way to break such news. But
What you're doing is a common problem, so you have a LOT of company. And it's not about talent, just knowledge that no one tells us we need. And, it's fixable. So, hang in there and keep on writing.

And if an overview would help, you might try a few of my articles and YouTube videos.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334
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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow