Heart Racer

true love can make you do crazy things

My heart dropped as the crunch of gravel under a car’s wheels sounded. He’s here. I started to panic and tremble; I cleared my head of all the words we exchanged. I flew from the couch, sending my cat bolting into my room and under the bed. I scrambled up the stairs, my feet franticly searching for the next step. The car door slammed shut, and I swear I heard his voice call out my name. I reached the top of the stairs, and I ran down the trashed hallway. Hopping over bundles of clothes, veering around boxes, and stumbling over his beer bottles.

               I could still hear his rich British accent, and the carelessness of his actions. I rarely ventured upstairs, so I never cleaned up the clutter caused by him. The first floor was spotless because I saw his mess every day, and I got tired of it. I scurried through the guest bedroom and into the bathroom. That’s when the front door opened, my heart skipped a beat. I shut the door behind me, ever so softly. I felt the tears in my eyes, I blinked, sending one running down my cheek. I huddled up on the floor, my back to the door.

“Clarisse, I really want to talk to you. See your beautiful face again…” His voice trailed off. It was as if an angel was calling to me. For a second, I felt stupid hiding from him. But then his words came rushing back, memories filled my head. Only one called out to me.

               We were in my room. He crawled on my bed, took my phone, and laid it on the nightstand. I was laying down, so, he got on top of me. He pinned me to the bed and told me to try to get him off of me. I tried, but I couldn’t. then he said that I couldn’t stop him from doing something to me.

               This horrid memory, buzzing through my head, should have been the last memory I had of him, but it wasn’t. I was scared, terrified, paralyzed, when I heard the deafening creek of the stars under his feet, and the stomping of his feet walking through the hall. I looked at the window, it was opened the view over my backyard. I’ve got to escape from here! I stood up, walking away from the door, and touched the frame of the windowsill. That’s when the bathroom door opened.

               I ran from the window, which was only a couple of feet, and into his open arms. I buried my face into his shirt and cried. I cried because I hated him, because I loved him, because I couldn’t let him go yet, but mostly because I wasn’t going to be like all of his Ex’s and leave him. He told me that he was here, and he loved me so much, that he missed me, and most of all he was sorry for the stupid s**t he had done to me.

Reviews

[Chrissie Muldoon]

Very short, but very to the point.
I personally have never been in an toxic, dare I say, abusive relationship (thank God) but from what I know from friends who have been, this is very real. It not that the abuse is forgotten, or even misinterpreted, it's that there is some perversion of love that keeps you there. Some idea that if you leave, you will prove to them that they are unloveable, and you don't want to do that to them, since there was something that you fell in love with in the first place.
As I say, very bare bones, but very honest. To have such an unromaticized look at abuse is difficult, but needed. Well done

[Clarisse]

Oh my god, thank you so much for your review! I've never been in an abusive relationship with a significant other, but my mother was very abusive to me. That's the only reason i understand and know the fear...

[Chrissie Muldoon]

Im so sorry to hear about what your mother did to you growing up, but I sincerely hope that writing has helped you, even a little bit, to overcome your trauma. Be well and keep writing x

[Clarisse]

Thank you! i have moved on even if her words still haunt me at night. I've told myself multiple times that i coulda fixed her, i could fix someone else. But, still holding on to that childish dream, i find it false but i blind myself from the truth with bitter tears. And fall back to hammering stupid thoughts through my head. but once the tears wash away i'm confronted with the truth and it fources me to cry once again...