The deepest thoughts of a Maltreated adult

A Poem by ClairBearz

Struggles with relationships and fighting internally with self worth

I'm trapped
Always feeling inadequate
Never meeting anyone's expectations
Hoping to be the only one in your life when everyone around me acts like it's in possible for two people to be dedicated to one another. I need you like oxygen I need you like the forest needs rain. I can never get past this feeling like I'm always the stop along the way I'm never anyone's end goal. I feel worthless and hopeless most of the time. I can't fill this hole my heart is aching. My temperament is always passive-aggressive and I wear a mask to create a facade that I'm okay. I can't loose him because he doesn't know how close I am to breaking. From falling off the edge and when he is gone I am all alone but when he comes back he reassures me of his feelings but then that creeping thought comes back in my mind am I enough am I even good enough for him to be seen with...is the floor about to fall out from under me. I'm so guarded and yet so vulnerable. When you cry yourself to sleep every night and dread the days alone you will understand this all. One day this mind will make sense one day I'll gain the confidence I have never had but you tell me to try and you get me to move. You will never ever know how much I love you because you won't see this in fact i doubt you'd care. My heart it's deepest thoughts are pouring out at 3:36 AM in the dark and I'm all alone you aren't here and you won't be here until tomorrow. When you have your time for me as I wait every week for these few days when I get to see your face and fall asleep every night in your arms.