Need to see you

I could smell it. Oozing from every pore of his body and it was making me sick. From 20 feet away I could smell it and every part of my brain was telling me to turn around and walk away. But there I was, not moving; and it didn’t feel like I was about to any time soon. He couldn’t see me and I knew this because if he could he would have already come to me.

So I took this time to look at him, really look at him and what I saw was just the shell of a man I used to know. He looked so small and so broken that it made me want to give him a hug, but though my heart broke for him, a bigger part- the part he himself broke- told me to stay right where I was. I couldn’t put myself through that pain again because no matter how bad I wanted to hold him in my arms, I had to be strong. If not for me for him at least: he needed it more than I did.

“I need to see you. Please, just- just listen to me. I know I’m the last person you want to see right now after everything I’ve put you through, but, please, I just need to see you. Can you meet me by the lake, the one we went to on our first date? “

He had sounded so broken, so different from the guy I knew and loved and I broke. I gave in because deep down I needed it, too. I needed to see him just as much because I’d missed him so much that sometimes it was hard just to breathe.

“Ok. I have to work today, but I can meet you at around 8. And Jack, you better not be drunk or stoned off your pills because I’ll leave.”

“I’m not Kate and I won’t be. I promise. Thanks, I’ll see you then?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you then.”

That was five hours ago. And since then it had been 2 weeks since I had spoken to him. He called all the time, but every time I had let it go to voicemail because I wasn’t healed yet and hearing his voice just made me bleed that much more. But for some reason I picked up the phone today; and now 5 hours later here I am, standing 20 feet from the bench he was sitting on with his head and shoulders slumped, trying to decide if I should go over there.

He’s not drunk. I know this because I can see him trembling, and while there’s a soft breeze I know it’s not from that; and I remember what he said earlier, “I’m not Kate and I won’t be.”

I feel myself shiver so I hug my sweater and arms around my waist and take a step towards him. When I reach the bench he feels me there and turns his head to look at me. He shaved his beard, but his eyes were still dark and sunken and he looked so-- empty. There was no life behind his eyes anymore; no smile on his lips, nothing that reminded me of the old Jack. I didn’t know what to do or say to him, but luckily he spoke first.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Thanks for coming.”

“You’re welcome.”

And that was that, I sat down beside him and we both just stared into the lake. He was quiet and didn’t say anything else, just stared as if the water was going to somehow make everything ok again. I didn’t mind it though, sitting here with him was almost therapeutic and I got so wrapped up in my thoughts that I almost didn’t hear what he said. But then I heard it loud and clear.

“I just needed to see you.”

He wasn’t drunk and he didn’t smell of booze, and I realized that I had only smelled the memory of him. The memories of finding him passed out on the floor of his apartment, alcohol bottles and takeout food sprawled everywhere and the smell of alcohol taking up every inch of his place. Looking at him now just made me realize how much I needed to see him too.

“Yeah, I needed to see you too.” It was so soft that I didn’t think he had heard it. But as I looked at him I saw what I thought was the slightest hint of a smile and I knew he had. And I knew somewhere deep down inside was the Jack I fell in love with and if he needed me to sit here with him in order to find him again, I would.