The whisper

Mystery beneath the stars

The Whisper

 

In the softness of a diamond studded night

I felt that pregnant silence all around

As the moon she looked so magic in my sight

And she cast her rich dark shadows on the ground

 

I felt that mystic presence in the air

As I felt an awesome power deep within

And this presence it pervaded everywhere

And the silence pushed away all worldly din

 

I heard that silence whisper in my heart

So soft and, oh so loud, so very strong

As the voice of wisdom gently played its part

And its very purity could not be wrong

 

Accept yourself that whisper seemed to say

You never know your time may not be long

So why not be here now, live your life today

Yes be here now, and dance, and sing your song

Reviews

[JayG]

Some thoughts that may be of value when writing structured poetry:

First, avoid bending the poem to the needs of the rhyme. Look at L4 of S1, for example. The moon may do many things, but it doesn't cast shadows, It's the things that interrupt the light that do that. But, you needed a rhyme for "around," so...

Several of the lines seem a bit forced in that way, to provide the rhyme. But rhyme isn't the purpose of the poem. In fact, the rhyme should seem almost accidental, and the word be there, not to rhyme, but to perfectly fit the thought.

Then comes prosody. It's a lot more than counting stressed syllables. The smooth flow of the words should be contributing to the steady drumbeat of the line, and "flow trippingly from the tongue."

As an example, look at S2L3: "And this presence it pervaded everywhere" Read it as iambic and it doesn't work. But as trochaic, it still trips the tongue.

If you've not seen it, take a look at the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It's a really great essay on the flow of language in speech and poetry.

Hope this helps

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Hannah Borke]

I want to treat myself to something, and I decided I want to purchase your poems. But only as an electronic download. Then I could browse and choose my favorites and copy then into an album of my favorite poems. The newer ones are available here, but what about all the others? Are your books for sale electronically?