Veins full of Pesticide (Working Title)

A song about... well, I don't want to spoil it. You can interpret how you like. But I hope it rings true for a few of you, no matter how much that actually hurts.

I've been sitting here

all day.

Thoughts of someone running through my mind

It's like the feeling of pesticide.

Sweet dreams slowly begin to rot

Into a nightmare best left forgot

The face that comforted you all this time

Is now the destroyer of your mind.

You try to breathe

And find your lungs filled with gasoline

Light a match, take a breath

It'll all be over soon.

Clench your fist

Put down your head

Try to forget.

We're nothing but hamsters running the wheel.

Mice navigating a maze.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I lay my heart on this stage

Watch it beat, watch it stutter

Don't look away. Keep your courage mustered

You need it much more than I.

Author's Note

It is actually my first time trying to write lyrics. A friend hired me to do it because they liked my style. I need criticism, so all is welcome. Try and keep it constructive please.

Reviews

[w]

Within the first few lines you gather your theme. But it's lost within the rest of the lyric. "It's like the feeling of pesticide", this grabbed my attention. This is the catch, the punch line, the theme. I have no idea what pesticide feels like, so I was really excited to have it fed to me. But it never was. It was forgotten. There was gasoline and hamsters and a stage... but no pesticide. No feelings.
I can see where you were going with this. But it just didn't ever really get anywhere for me. You do have an incredible style; the structure of the lines are solid and the almost dulled down metaphors could really become something. But you forget yourself along the way, almost as though you just want to get it over with.
What does pesticide feel like? I wish you would have taken this there.
Try to understand not just where you're coming from, but where you going to.
You have skill; there are some very striking lines here. Just work them out a bit. Hold hands with them as you walk. Bring them closer, yea? Don't let them stray.

Best wishes,
-Edie

[Val W. Caine]

I really like it. It's got a good flow to it, and a lot of really stable imagery. It's got a really solid feel to it.
Great job!