Hope.

This doesn't fit any of the few "types" one gets to choose from to submit something. This is more of an essay, or theory.

Hope. Such a beautiful thing on the surface. It provides strength, shows paths, breeds faith. But within hope is buried something deceiving. Something cunning. Because without hope, you cannot have despair. When hope is ripped away from you, violently dug out of your soul, all that is left is a hollow, empty shell of a human being. The definition of despair. As you read on, you will probably begin to think, if you haven't already, that because I am writing this that I want people to join me in the shadows, where I live. That I believe that this is inevitable for everyone who has hope. But that is not the case. This is a matter of perspective. From a man who is forced to live his life peering out from the dark, wishing he could be living in the light more often than his disease allows him. And please don't feed me the psychobabble that I can control the means necessary to change this line of thinking. The term 'bipolar' abdicates all responsibility for the control of your emotions. So when someone tries to break it down to such a basic element that makes it seem simple, as "advice," it is insulting. To me, hope has become synonymous with desperation. I liken the way I look to hope as the way a shipwrecked man turns to seawater from an eventual, uncontrollable thirst. When I do reach out for hope, it is as a last resort, and when that is the kind of hope one derives, it is like feeding poison to the soul. It decays. It becomes hands around your throat. There are not many ways that I have discovered to climb out of this pit when I fall in it. There are not many things that I can do to ease the suffering. The one thing that I strive to hold onto is that having to go through something like this, will provide me with strength the likes of which many will never know. This is not guaranteed, nor is it even probable. But that is the small silver lining that may or may not exist. You optimists reading this will say, "Well that is hope right there, and it doesn't sound bad at all." Well don't be so quick to think that saying that will alleviate anything. You obviously have never been to as dark a place as this. Your advice instantly become redundant to me. No offense. I'm happy for you if such simple things can light your pathway to happiness. But please don't wave a screwdriver in my face when I need a blowtorch. The same can be said at time for therapy. Can it work? Absolutely. Does it work? Sometimes. But most therapists are generic. Scripted almost. My source? Experience. The best source there is. I have seen close to 30 different therapists in the last decade. Almost all of them had the same advice. The same 'skills' to combat the dark. And, although I understand why the therapist wants one to endlessly relive moments, the rape, the abuse, the arguments with mommy, the break-up, etc, I fail to see how the constant repetition does much of anything but reinforce it. Repressed feelings, if there is such a thing, don’t automatically turn into "mental bogeymen." In other places, it’s called forgetting.” In a lot of cases, forgetting is perfectly healthy. Maybe it has just become easier for the Therapist occupation to say that sadness, depression, addiction, and so forth are the result of buried issues form the past. Followed up by being told that it can take years to "work through" these issues, therefore creating a cluster of time that can be held onto, used as an excuse for lack of progress, or spoon-fed to someone who is hurting, when they can no longer find anything but despair in themselves. Perhaps you have been told by people that structure is all you need to start feeling better. A good foundation on which to build. But what isn't included in this message of hope, is that even structure can become struggle. Imagine someone who is stricken with such an unfortunate psychological burden. They begin to make an effort to create this structure they have been told will take away their agony. However, they haven't accepted that the darkness, the shadows that shroud their very being are stronger than they are. The poison is capable of terrible things. And by no fault of their own, before they can even begin to make progress, the "structure" crumbles into pieces. Which for many who have no control over this demon, are lead to believe that, with failure being the only thing that they are capable of achieving, the best option for them is death. Suicide becomes real for this person. And now people that were connected to them become stricken. For some it won't be permanent. For some it will linger. For others, it is something that isn't as simple as grieving. And this is exactly what I meant when I said the darkness is toxic. It is contagious. The smallest weakness, the slightest chink in the armor, and it has you.
Is there a point to all of this madness that I am tell you of? What exactly is this picture I am painting supposed to be anyway? The long and short of it, is that there are those of us who simply do not, who will not, and who can not for that matter, live outside of the shadows. Learning to adapt is the best thing we have when our hearts reside in anguish. There will be suffering. There will be casualties. There will be fear. But we will live on. We will be the ones that experience degrees of life, and levels of emotion that no one else could ever even presume to be possible. We are damaged people. We are broken souls. And we, and only we, possess a superior genre of strength, unbeknownst to all others. We will persist, and we will endure.

 

Author's Note

I'm very open to discussion if anyone has any thoughts.

Reviews

[Tinkerbellje]

Brilliantly written and very insightful.

[Chrys]

You're the definition of a true sweetheart. It's nice to hear positive feedback on my writing so thank you much. So are you someone who subscribes to similar viewpoints such as the ones I've spelled out in this piece ?

[Tinkerbellje]

It's good writing so deserves nothing but positive remarks. I do agree with a lot of the points you made, it's an interesting point of view of life, depending on what you have experienced and how you perceive it.

[Chrys]

Well said. In all honesty, life is 100% based on our perception of what happens to & around us.