High Notes

If I could play

Sounds through words

I'd be playing them now.

Like the strings of a violin,

I'd awe you

With such smoothness.

Effortless vibrations

Rising on falling under the heat

Of a rigid string.

The horns would stretch their necks,

And howl at the golden chandelier.

The flute,

It's body so nimble,

Will scream its own tune,

Struggling to be heard,

But heard sorrowfully none the less.

Cellos bow

Like the gentlemen they are.

They are the weeping higher power

That all fall upon.

The drums open their mouths,

And doom a broken society.

The symbols clash

And try all rise.

Every corrupted piece.

And fall in harmony.

Author's Note

A bit of inspiration drawn from a series of classical music.

Reviews

[Steelwine]

Just a few small things.

1) "It's body so nimble" --> * Its

3) Your imagery is inconsistent in places. At first we get a sense that this music is difficult because the speaker tells the audience that he would be playing "if he could", but then the vibrations are "effortless", but then they suddenly transition to "struggling" and "try[ing] to rise". The poem is certainly more interesting if there is a theme of struggle against various forces, or even a struggle to exist, so I would recommend revising the "effortless vibrations" line.

4) "Like the gentlemen they are" is redundant. "Like gentlemen" is sufficient to communicate the simile, though generally good similes work even better as good metaphors. I'm not sure how this fits into the overall tone of your poem, though. Try to expand it, show how even these gentlemen are struggling.

5) Since you're choosing to use punctuation, make sure you use it to clarify your lines and not complicate them. (e.g. "Every corrupted piece. / And fall in harmony." are both sentence fragments and are jarring to the reader in a bad way.)

Overall, good work. Keep at it.

[Christoph Poe]

1. I'll admit I'm not the best at grammar, but I've used the appstrophie as showing ownership. I'm not entirely if that's correct though since its an indirect noun.

2. (You some how skipped.)

3. The strings are effortless but are "straining". You can struggle but strike that perfect mark every once in a while, like in the many practices of music.

4. I completely agree here. The redundently can be eliminated and it would flow better.

5. In reference to one, I'm not the best at grammar, however, I managed to use complete sentences in the combination of the lines above, but chose not to do so in my last three lines. It was intentional, and I'm aware they are sentence fragments. I can reconsider and place them in a complete sentence format though.

Thanks for the review.

[Blake]

1. Its doesn't take an apostrophe, just like his and hers don't. It's = it is.
2. We're writers, not mathematicians! :P
3. Maybe "successful" would be better than "effortless"? Effortless implies no effort, no strain -- so how can they be straining if it's effortless?
4.-
> You seem to have it covered.
5.-/

[Blake]

That was 4 and 5 - you seem to have it covered :)

[Christoph Poe]

LOL! On the mathmetitians part! (And I'll add that my dumb a*s didn't even catch it until I started responding to them individually. I was like "hey, where's number two?!")

XD Ironically, I literally (accidentally) came across an article concerning the use of its and it's and found you were correct. Not that I ever doubted you. I just wanted to explain that I had logic behind it and didn't put it there ignorantly. XD

I'll check out the new word and see if I like it. :)

[Blake]

Glad to be of assistance :) And I didn't mean to say that you HAD to use the word "successful"...just that "effortless" didn't quite fit. I'm sure you'll find the right word! Keep at it!

[Christoph Poe]

I didn't realize that was you--Blake--who I was talking to here. Haha. I went on thinking you were the original poster of the review. Haha. >>I swear my roots are blonde....

[Blake]

I saw something slightly relating to grammar...how could I resist?

[Christoph Poe]

I'll probably be coming back to you with questions too. Lol

[Blake]

Wooh! Questions! ...about what? Grammar? 'Cause if it's grammar, I'm cool with that :D

[N!LoC]

inspired by music... ahhhh always a great thing :-)

[Sami Khalil]

I like how you give instruments life and you use them as imagery to convey your message...Well done...:)

[kublakhan27]

An intriguing and vivid concept...nicely penned.

[Pete Langley]

I like the theme and the characterisation of the instruments, but I feel you`ve lost your way a bit with what you mean to say here, Christoph. First, if you are writing a prose poem, you have to be consistent with sentencing. Isolated unconnected phrases don`t work very well...eg. "Every corrupted piece" / And fall in harmony". Also , capitalising every line detracts from the overall flow. I`m sorry I can`t be more positive. mate. P.

[Christoph Poe]

Thanks man! All thoughts are welcomed. :) I don't really focus on grammar when I write, but I try to continue to use the common stuff when writing, and it'd seem I've missed even that lick. Haha. I'll definitely keep your thoughts in mind in my next pieces.

Thanks again,
Chris

[Christoph Poe]

And I'll add on the capitalizing part that in "most" of my poetry I do intentionally capitalize every one of my lines. I do that with the thoughts that each line can stand by itself as if read by itself. I often put secret meanings in my poetry too. Some catch it BUT most don't. Lol.

Anyways, thanks again! I'll look at it and see what I can do. :)

--Chris

[Pete Langley]

Chris, I`ve read your piece again this morning as I got up (6.20am I think better early) I actually think I`ve attuned your meaning, man. It could easily be called "discord". I think I`ve learned something more about myself and poetry here......that it`s not always easy to read a piece with the "voice" of the writer in you head as you are reading. The change of cadence can change the meaning for the reader. P.

[Steelwine]

Though I agree with the need for consistent sentence form, this isn't a prose poem unless he gets rid of the line breaks (which I wouldn't recommend).

[Pete Langley]

Label it how you like, my friend. For me, a thought stream laid out in sentenced form, without meter or rhyme or stanza is a piece of prose. If it`s presented as a poem, with or without breaks, and it`s a piece of prose, it`s a prose poem

[Christoph Poe]

Did I categorize it as a prose poem?

And thanks for giving it a second shot, and it's always good to hear that someone has learned something from my work. Makes me feel like I might have did something right. (Assuming it was a positive learning experience. Lol.)

[Jack...]

This was a fun read and very melodic in form. Nice play on musical instrument Chris.

[Arun Paul Kapur]

This is a wonderful, wonderful piece :)

[Christoph Poe]

Thanks man! I was a bit leery of posting it actually, but I'm glad I did. :)

[Arun Paul Kapur]

Keep on posting pal, lots of talent :)

[steppenwolf]

Hi Christoph. Ohhh yes. This is so good. I LOVE what you wrote about cellos--gentlemen.
I can tell how hard you worked on this poem, it has been so refined and looked at and loved. At the same time it flows effortlessly.

Steppenwolf

[Lover Of Words]

So good

[Christoph Poe]

Thank you. :)

[Lover Of Words]

your welcome :)

[Michael Kevin Spencer]

I heard music in this.