High Notes

If I could play

Sounds through words

I'd be playing them now.

Like the strings of a violin,

I'd awe you

With such smoothness.

Effortless vibrations

Rising on falling under the heat

Of a rigid string.

The horns would stretch their necks,

And howl at the golden chandelier.

The flute,

It's body so nimble,

Will scream its own tune,

Struggling to be heard,

But heard sorrowfully none the less.

Cellos bow

Like the gentlemen they are.

They are the weeping higher power

That all fall upon.

The drums open their mouths,

And doom a broken society.

The symbols clash

And try all rise.

Every corrupted piece.

And fall in harmony.

Author's Note

A bit of inspiration drawn from a series of classical music.

Reviews

[Steelwine]

Just a few small things.

1) "It's body so nimble" --> * Its

3) Your imagery is inconsistent in places. At first we get a sense that this music is difficult because the speaker tells the audience that he would be playing "if he could", but then the vibrations are "effortless", but then they suddenly transition to "struggling" and "try[ing] to rise". The poem is certainly more interesting if there is a theme of struggle against various forces, or even a struggle to exist, so I would recommend revising the "effortless vibrations" line.

4) "Like the gentlemen they are" is redundant. "Like gentlemen" is sufficient to communicate the simile, though generally good similes work even better as good metaphors. I'm not sure how this fits into the overall tone of your poem, though. Try to expand it, show how even these gentlemen are struggling.

5) Since you're choosing to use punctuation, make sure you use it to clarify your lines and not complicate them. (e.g. "Every corrupted piece. / And fall in harmony." are both sentence fragments and are jarring to the reader in a bad way.)

Overall, good work. Keep at it.

[Christoph Poe]

1. I'll admit I'm not the best at grammar, but I've used the appstrophie as showing ownership. I'm not entirely if that's correct though since its an indirect noun.

2. (You some how skipped.)

3. The strings are effortless but are "straining". You can struggle but strike that perfect mark every once in a while, like in the many practices of music.

4. I completely agree here. The redundently can be eliminated and it would flow better.

5. In reference to one, I'm not the best at grammar, however, I managed to use complete sentences in the combination of the lines above, but chose not to do so in my last three lines. It was intentional, and I'm aware they are sentence fragments. I can reconsider and place them in a complete sentence format though.

Thanks for the review.

[Blake]

1. Its doesn't take an apostrophe, just like his and hers don't. It's = it is.
2. We're writers, not mathematicians! :P
3. Maybe "successful" would be better than "effortless"? Effortless implies no effort, no strain -- so how can they be straining if it's effortless?
4.-
> You seem to have it covered.
5.-/

[Blake]

That was 4 and 5 - you seem to have it covered :)

[Christoph Poe]

LOL! On the mathmetitians part! (And I'll add that my dumb a*s didn't even catch it until I started responding to them individually. I was like "hey, where's number two?!")

XD Ironically, I literally (accidentally) came across an article concerning the use of its and it's and found you were correct. Not that I ever doubted you. I just wanted to explain that I had logic behind it and didn't put it there ignorantly. XD

I'll check out the new word and see if I like it. :)

[Blake]

Glad to be of assistance :) And I didn't mean to say that you HAD to use the word "successful"...just that "effortless" didn't quite fit. I'm sure you'll find the right word! Keep at it!

[Christoph Poe]

I didn't realize that was you--Blake--who I was talking to here. Haha. I went on thinking you were the original poster of the review. Haha. >>I swear my roots are blonde....

[Blake]

I saw something slightly relating to grammar...how could I resist?

[Christoph Poe]

I'll probably be coming back to you with questions too. Lol

[Blake]

Wooh! Questions! ...about what? Grammar? 'Cause if it's grammar, I'm cool with that :D

[KAOlmsted]

Poetry inspired by music...this is classic. You did a nice job with this. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

[Anjelica Allen]

I'm really impressed with this piece. I find it lovely. I like the imagery a lot, and I think the personifications of the instruments as musicians is really effective. It's beautiful.

You really like using the broken lines and lack of stanzas don't you? haha. Not my style choice personally, but since it doesn't hinder this piece, I'll back off that. Though I do think breaking different instruments into stanzas would be really effective. I just can't help myself. :)

I see in a review below that there are issues with the word effortless and the strain used later on. I think you should keep it. As a musician, I can relate to the idea of both effortless and the strain in music. It sounds like it clashes on the surface, but I think it doesn't.
First of all, when you used the word effortless, you're talking about a violin. Violins, when played well (not the horrid squawking sound that I would make with a bow) DO sound effortless and smooth. It's an elegant, gorgeous sound. Effortless is a great word for it. I think "successful" or anything else would take away from that.

Second, when you use the idea of straining and struggling, you're talking about a flute. When I played oboe, I sat right beside the flute section and could hear them clearly, but when I played percussion or sax, it was always a strain to hear them. The flute is a delicate instrument. I find it simply accurate that they are straining to be heard. The word "screams" seems a little off though. Maybe something more feminine like shrieking would be more accurate. I'm not certain. That's probably just me being picky. Screams works fine.

I love your fragments at the end. It reminds me of fermatas that tend to come at the end of a piece of music. The musicians hold and the director cuts them off and then they start again.

[Poe Redd]

Oooh! I play the cello, and plainly love music, so I love this piece.

[Brandon S. Whitten]

Brilliantly penned, Sir Christoph.

[Deron Alexis]

loved this poem very well done the way words can flow like music it's true sometimes you can almost dance to a poem or just the reading of the lyrics of a song (provided it was written with good rhythm)
now i'm not a pro poet or anything neither a wordsmith by trade however i like the poem the way it is the so called redundancy sounds good to me spelling errors piss some people off but besides them who cares grammatical errors can be excused but the lack of such does make the poem easier to understand off hand but for those of us who don't like reading over and over that provides the perfect excuse to do so XD

[Jamal]

sounds like an emo-goth song hahah nice

[Schyala]

Love the comparison to the instruments and emotions :) great job!

[Baby Ricochet]

I've thought like that before so I feel you bro.

[MandaBear]

I think you did a wonderful job with this. If you were playing an instrument to this I could totally hear it. Such a lovely poem!

[Green]

When I play my instrument, I tend to think of it as a person or at least having some sort of mind of its own so it was nice to see someone else write something like that. It just confirms that I'm not completely insane but that's just a side thought.
I liked it when I read it the first time, but once I saw that is was based on classical music I went back and read it again and that just made it better. I also liked how you kind of tied it into life.