AIRLESS "Once Forgotten" (Prologue)

AIRLESS "Once Forgotten" (Prologue)

A Chapter by Christoph Poe
"

Most of my writing is inspired and pushed by a particular song that I keep on repeat. See below for a youtube link to play the video if desired.

"
"Ayva, don't speak. Stay hidden."

My mother placed me in the closet.

The scent of my fathers clothes swung loosely above me. A box protruded uncomfortably into my backside, but as the confusion rose, the physical pain mattered less.

The collar of her beige shirt fell within grasp. With the natural instinct of a child, I reached for her in panic.

My voice whispered loudly to her: "Please, don't leave me."

She pushed me back, and tugged at my hand for freedom. "Baby, I promise you it will be okay."

With a candle in hand, the glow of my father's silhouette danced frantically in the background of his and my mother's bedroom. I attempted a better look, but I soon found my place back in the floor. My mother shuffled through the mess in the closet, and piled old clothes on top of me that had lost their grip of the hangers above. Agitation took me over, but I allowed them to do what they thought best in the midst of such an enigmas situation.

"Mother, I'm scarred."

A rough quilt toppled on my face. Sound became my vision as my body ached in the fight for movement. In such fear, I hardly twitched an eyelid beneath the heaviness of all the clothes and odd debris of the closet my mother had thrown on top of me. Desperation to keep me hidden consumed her.

A thud from the next room rumbled across my backside. I ripped the quilt from my face, surprised by the lack of carpet burn, but the adrenaline rush killed the thought.

"MOM!" I whimpered.

"Stay hidden, Ayva!" She pushed me back, and turned to my father. "Where is Aveylin?!"

The raspy vibrations of my fathers cords eased me: "She is in her closet." My mother over exaggerated the smallest situations, and with his eyes meeting mine for only an instance, for what appeared to be eye contact, I only assumed the least.

My mother and he swapped places. I grabbed the collar of his shirt. Both hands snatched him down. Unlike my mother, he bowed, and hooked his arm around my back.

"What's wrong?" I asked him more calmly than I'd ever address my mother.

"I don't know, Ayva. Be quiet. Please. For me?" He begged me, and released.

He swiped his soft hand across the flickering flame of his candle. The tiny hint of light left the wick embedded in the wax, and following his palm.

"I promise," but could speak nothing more.

A tiny ball of fire rotated in his cupped hand. Nothing excited me more as a child watching him majestically contort the flames of a candle, but even now, it subsided as little of a distraction. The grit of his beard carpeted his rusty skin. The severity of the situation became most evident when his brow bent across his heavy eyes.

"You promise?" he asked sorrowfully.

"I promise."

He snapped his thin fingers shut.

The sudden break in light left me in a field of pure black. I backed myself uneasily, yet in the trust, of my father. The closet door eased, and clicked.

Another thud struck the floor.

My body burned in a cold sweat. For moments to follow, my loud heartbeat became the only evidence of life.

Glass shattered following another thump across the floor. The crackling glass crunched beneath a pair of walking boots.

My eyes filled with water. The smells of my parents items began to fade with every passing second as my nostrils flooded with a sappy liquid. I pulled the heavy quilt with both my arms, and buried my knuckles in a knot just below my chin. My lips quivered, but if I made a sound....

My father spoke timidly, but clearly: "If you leave, we promise we won't report this to the Guards."

Footsteps passed inches from the closet door. I pulled the quilt across my face in hiding. Seconds passed between a much further away thump.

Then, a stranger spoke: "I'm so sorry it had to be this way. I'm so sorry."

"What way?!" My father stomped. "Who are you, and how'd you get in my house?!"

My brow quivered with the rise of his voice.

Mumbles followed a deeper much further away thud. Then footsteps. Then a thud fell just outside the door again.

The stranger's mumbles became more clear: "--if I do--" The rhythm of his boots thump, thump, thumped. "That doesn't make--" thump, thump and crunch, the broken glass crumpled.

My body heat magnified beneath the quilt when I realized he stood outside the door again. My breathing became sweaty, and my arms grew numb. A wet stream dried coldly across my cheek.

"Leave as you came," my father spoke stern and tall.

"Please," my mother's dampened weeps transitioned into me. "I don't know your reasons, but please leave." My chest rose, but could not fall under such a huge breath of air.

A heavy tear followed the same path as the one before it.

The stranger beat himself up in a one-sided conversation: "Oh god, why did they ask me?! WHY?!"

His tone changed, but he continued to speak in private: "This is bullshit. This is ridiculous! I can't do this."

My father interrupted him. "What are your intentions?" And so his voice shrieked louder: "Answer me!"

I winced at the rise in his tone, another tear to follow.

"My intentions were to protect you!" the stranger rose his voice in respect.

The air depleted from my lungs. "To protect us?" the echo of her voice, no matter how shrill, calmed me for the next few moments.

"NO!" He yelled, and from the other side of the room, his boots thumped against the wooden floor. "NO!" He repeated in frustration. "I'm here to protect the blood... I'm here to protect your innocence--to protect from the world."

I had remained in the dark, it seemed, for so long at this point that blindness had crossed my mind at several points. This stranger kept on confusing me though. He kept that enigmas streak.

"We don't need protecting." My father stated bluntly. "We need you to leave."

"I-" the stranger's voice rose in sympathy. "I can't leave now," and the tone in his voice might have been the coldest I've ever heard an Inhuman speak....

I inhaled hot and sweaty air beneath my scratchy blanket.

"Do you have children?!"

My throat closed. Why would he question me?!

"No," my mother replied so quickly I knew the suspicion would bring on more questions.

The stranger stepped again. Thump, thump, thump: "Then why are there toys in the living quarters?" Thump, thud, thud, thud, crunch. "At the foot of the fireplace, there is a kazoo."

My mother had asked me to put it away earlier that night. I forgot. I whispered between my quivering lips: "I'm sorry...."

"It's my sisters child," my father continued the lies. "He left it last night."

"Good."

He began mumbling once again. "Why did they ask me to come here?!" he asked himself.

"That's good," he said again, to himself, but to my parents as well. "My conscious can be a bit more clear."

I exhaled. What type of conscious did he battle with? A crunch, crunch, crunch, and thump followed.

Then, everything stopped. Sound and light had froze within a short time. But I breathed. I just breathed.

What followed sat so heavily in my memory. A hammer and chisel couldn't remove it if I cut my skull open myself and beat my brains out. I swallowed with the muscles in my eyes twitching for some sight of light. But nothing came back to me.

A slumping thump, a deep hard thump quaked the floor. I denied the thought that instant moment it came to my innocent mind.

But a yelp--a failed attempt of a terrifying scream--came followed by another deep thump... I felt the transition of vibrations run across my backside as the muscles in my tiny heart hardened in the realization.

My breathing slowed. The shock won me over. It couldn't be. Or could it?

Silence. Pure disturbing silence rose to its highest pitches. Minutes passed, and to my dismay, nothing happened. No one came to the door. No more thumps, no more crunches, no more mumbling, no more life.

As my insanity toon me over, I defied the last wish of my parents.

"Mother?"

Teary-eyed, I pursued the other equally significant person in my life.

"Fath-" my voice crackled out. "Father?!" I repeated as clearly as the bubbles in my throat allowed.

"Mother, Father, please let me out..."

Their voices never came to me again.


© 2013 Christoph Poe


Author's Note

Christoph Poe
This is simply the opening. I completely reorganized it, and I'm still revising it from my original, but I'm definitely working on it. I'll update as I go. So my questions to ask is if this seems like a decent opening to a novel you know nothing about? Does it possibly capture your interests, or would you put it down? Thanks for viewing!

I own the artwork. It was not intended to be used here, but until i paint a better image, I will be using it. If you'd like to view more, you may visit my Deviant Art page: http://everesshiawind.deviantart.com/ . I will not let anyone use any of my pieces for cover art for the time being, but I welcome comments or critiques. Thank you!

This particular chapter's mood came from Jeff Buckley's song "Hallelujah" redone by Susan Boyle. The Youtube link it below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPJFB0nfLAg

My Review

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Featured Review

Sure thing. Just read through again and I haven't found one metaphor at all, so my mistake. But there's tones of prose issues so i'll point those out here.

(edits)My voice whispered loudly to her: "Please, don't leave me."
She pushed me back, and tugged at my hand for freedom. "Baby, I promise you it will be okay."

For instance right here, its clear what your trying to convey, but those are weird and unnecessary words to use. You can't whisper loudly i think, so if it's loud it isn't a whisper. I'd recommend a different word, or just drop 'loud' altogether. It's minor sure, but if your gonna consider writing professionally, fixing things like that will work wonders. The second line just sounds plain wrong, and i would just revise that altogether. Maybe "she held my arm for a moment, trying to comfort me" ? or something along those lines.

(edits)A rough quilt toppled on my face. Sound became my vision as my body ached in the fight for movement. In such fear, I hardly twitched an eyelid beneath the heaviness of all the clothes and odd debris of the closet my mother had thrown on top of me. Desperation to keep me hidden consumed her.

Another strangely worded paragraph, the exception being 'Sound became my vision' amazing line, but its punch is sucked out of it by the following words and sentences. This whole paragraph needs to be edited but i'll point out a line for an example "Desperation to keep me hidden consumed her". Now, the reader can clearly comprehend what your trying to tell them, but again strange choice of words, i would say show don't tell. But if you must tell, make it compelling , Maybe "My mother was desperate. Hiding me seemed to be of utmost importance to her at the moment. I wondered why."

Well, that's about all i have the time to point out, this review is already becoming crazy long lol. But it's time worth spent if it helps better a fellow writer. Like i said before, good material man, just got to mold it into greatness. I hope this helped. Keep up amazing work.

theslain~

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

I can handle this! You are very right. Those areas can use a great deal of improvement. Thank you gr.. read more



Reviews

Wasn't really expecting the ending. Poor kid's parents died :(
About this, it's a fairly good opening. It definitely caught my attention. The stranger's dialogue was bit bland though. But this is actually pretty good. Why the stranger killed his parents, I guess that's part of the mystery of this story. But good good. :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

I've had many complaints on the dialogue. I have some ideas to enhance it, but there's a strong legi.. read more
Aysia

11 Years Ago

You're welcome! :D
Sure thing. Just read through again and I haven't found one metaphor at all, so my mistake. But there's tones of prose issues so i'll point those out here.

(edits)My voice whispered loudly to her: "Please, don't leave me."
She pushed me back, and tugged at my hand for freedom. "Baby, I promise you it will be okay."

For instance right here, its clear what your trying to convey, but those are weird and unnecessary words to use. You can't whisper loudly i think, so if it's loud it isn't a whisper. I'd recommend a different word, or just drop 'loud' altogether. It's minor sure, but if your gonna consider writing professionally, fixing things like that will work wonders. The second line just sounds plain wrong, and i would just revise that altogether. Maybe "she held my arm for a moment, trying to comfort me" ? or something along those lines.

(edits)A rough quilt toppled on my face. Sound became my vision as my body ached in the fight for movement. In such fear, I hardly twitched an eyelid beneath the heaviness of all the clothes and odd debris of the closet my mother had thrown on top of me. Desperation to keep me hidden consumed her.

Another strangely worded paragraph, the exception being 'Sound became my vision' amazing line, but its punch is sucked out of it by the following words and sentences. This whole paragraph needs to be edited but i'll point out a line for an example "Desperation to keep me hidden consumed her". Now, the reader can clearly comprehend what your trying to tell them, but again strange choice of words, i would say show don't tell. But if you must tell, make it compelling , Maybe "My mother was desperate. Hiding me seemed to be of utmost importance to her at the moment. I wondered why."

Well, that's about all i have the time to point out, this review is already becoming crazy long lol. But it's time worth spent if it helps better a fellow writer. Like i said before, good material man, just got to mold it into greatness. I hope this helped. Keep up amazing work.

theslain~

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

I can handle this! You are very right. Those areas can use a great deal of improvement. Thank you gr.. read more
:) i like it

Posted 11 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

Thank you! :)
Blank page

11 Years Ago

welcome
This seems like a good opening.
Honestly it's not really my type of story from what I've read here, but it did get me to wondering what happened, where they were, who they were, I wanted to keep reading, so I think it did its job.
The only thing I noticed was you said "conscious is clear" instead of "conscience".
I think some of the reviews are right about the dialogue. It didn't seem to fit what would really be going on (not that I've ever been in this situation to know for sure), but it did seem like they were being vague just to suit your purposes of vagueness.
I think remaining vague and shadowy in every other aspect fits because of the age of the narrator at this point, though. Young children often are not believable narrators if they give too much exact and distinct information during intense circumstances.
Over all I think this shows a lot of promise and after a little bit of a re-write on the dialogue I think you'll be good to go!
Cheers!
SLK

Posted 11 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

Thank you for giving this a detailed look! I really appreciate your thoughts.

Again, t.. read more
This was actually the first piece I read by you. I think it's fairly well written and has the potential to develop into an interesting book. I definitely want to know what's going on. It's a little confusing, but I got the impression it was supposed to be that way at least a little to keep us interested.
I enjoyed this.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

Thank you kindly for giving this a look! My main objective here is to pull readers in, and hopefully.. read more
It's quite interesting and I would love to read more.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

Thank you! I believe you hadn't quite finished it this morning? I uploaded the rest AFTER you commen.. read more
Pain&Suffering

11 Years Ago

I still agree with my previous comment,great story. :D
Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

Thank you again! :)
Christoph,

What you have written so far is capivating, filled with energy, intrugue and emotion. I suggest that you do a rewrite while reading it aloud or record it and play it back.

Also, don't over edit yourself until you are further into your story. After a few chapters, you will find out what works and what should be either rewritten or discarded.

Always remember your reader. Martin Amis says: " Readers and writers are not expressly designed to be perfect for each other" and "Writers are peculiar, readers are particular." You may want to take these into consideration when you write.

You have the beginning of a wonderfu story. I look forward to reading more.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

Sincerely,

Cecil

Posted 11 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

Thank you kindly! I won't be doing a great deal of editing any time soon. I actually think I'll let .. read more
I loved it! It's wonderful and my interest has been captured and locked up in a cell! :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

Thank you for giving it a read! I'm happy to hear you enjoyed it. :)
Decent opening, yes. Do I understand it? No. But, that's the point isn't it? You're trying to create some sort of mystery about whats going on. You're being very vague, but I do know that it's a high intensity situation. I want to read more so I can figure out what's going on, so I suppose it does capture my interest.

I wish I can give you an overview of your plot so far, but like I said I have no idea what's going on. You're writing style is captivating at points, but confusing at others. Also, this sentence "The glow of my father danced a hardened dance..." (Paragragh 7, sentence 1) doesn't make sense to me.

Other than that, I'm dying to know what's going to happen next, and that's what it's all about: pulling the reader. Good job :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

Two others have pointed out the awkwardness of that sentence. When I'm finished, I'll definitely giv.. read more
A.C. Davis

11 Years Ago

Well, if that's your question, then yes it's a real attention getter! I'm glad I took the time to re.. read more
Christoph Poe

11 Years Ago

Thank you again! :)

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15 Reviews
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Added on January 21, 2013
Last Updated on April 18, 2013
Tags: Ayva, ray, garriy, powers, abilities, gods, first person, parents, murder, motivations, motives, goddess, romance, jealousy, mystery, suspense, thriller


Author

Christoph Poe
Christoph Poe

Tuscaloosa, AL



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Laughing might be my weakness, but my humor is the only characteristic that drives my positivity in this damned world. I'm a bit blunt at times, but always respectful >>and to be blunt, I expect respe.. more..

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