Blue Smile

Please take from me what you've taken from those others.

Maybe this time I'll be different.

Maybe this time I'll be the one you stick with.

 

Shape who I am,

Take the parts of me that have become overgrown and trim them back.

Cultivate the bits that are my best.

 

Go ahead and dance around my heart,

Lightly enough to not crush it in one blow,

But long enough to land a lasting bruise.

 

Fuse together what I have and create the new me.

The one that you like better.

The one that even I like, more.

 

Take me out,

Keep me in,

Drink it down,

Play it up,

You stop me,

You move me,

Love and hate me,

And as soon as you push me forwards,

I feel the string connecting us pulling me

Back.

 

Isn't this the girl that you wanted me to be?

The one who parties?

The one who hooks up?

Isn't this what you've been telling me?

To be outgoing?

To be noticed?

 

Scold me when I do something socially unacceptable.

I'll retreat,

Tail between legs,

And paw at your designer shoes,

Begging to be let back into your life.

 

Open your arms to me,

Make a big show of it.

Make me feel like you are the one who is sacrificing to stay with me.

 

Call me at any hour,

Because you know I'll answer.

You know your teeth are in my veins,

Your poison already coursing through my heart and mind.

 

Tell me anything.

Please,

I want to hear your voice.

I want to receive your praise.

Even your criticism will suffice for me, drained of your company.

 

Pull at me.

At my mind.

I'm past the stage of wanting to be held,

I want to be torn at,

Ripped apart,

Grasped all over.

 

Isn't this what you said would be better?

Me, wanting to feel?

To be felt?

Isn't this how I'm supposed to work now?

Become a different person?

Love you, like they all did?

 

Build it all up,

Because my brain is ready to burst from it's coccoon of comfort.

I want to step outside of my boundaries.

You make me want it.

 

Rip my self-confidence as soon as I gain it.

That way I can come back to you when I stray away.

You can keep me perfectly, forever.

 

Place a gentle hand here,

on my chin,

twist my face back and forth,

Deciding what I should change,

How I would look better, if I only did what you asked.

 

So my heart bleeds as I cut my hair.

I lose myself as I lose those pounds.

I shred my worth as I shed more clothes.

I hate myself as I please you.

 

And you smile,

That blue smile of yours.

 

Everyday I get sucked down,

Underneath the surface of that blue smile of yours.

 

I start to drown beneath the blue and my sight fades,

Black.

Author's Note

I didn't check this over for spelling, which I will at some point. For now it just needs to get out of my system.