Answering Machine (At the Sound of the Tone)

Just writing down what we have to live with everyday; it drives me crazy!

ANSWERING MACHINE

(AT THE SOUND OF THE TONE)

 

"All of our operators are busy, right now;"

          Yeah, right, you don't even have any operators;

"If you know the extension of the party you wish to talk to, please, dial it now;"

          How would I know anyone's extension;

"Please, listen to the following message carefully, because our menu options have changed;"

          Why would I care that they changed;

          I don't know what they were before;

"If you wish to pay with a debit or credit card, please, dial one now;"

          You aren't getting a dime out of me, until I talk to someone;

"If you wish to check the balance due on your account, please, dial two now;"

          That's why I am calling, the balance is wrong now;

"If you wish to change the name or other information on the account, please, dial three now;"

          First off, I can't "dial" anything; I have a push-button phone;

"If you wish to make additions to your account, please, dial four now;

          No thanks; you are having a problem with what I have already;

"If you would like information regarding our services, please, dial five now;"

          I don't want any more damn services;

"If you wish to report an outage or a problem with your service, please, dial six now;"

          Oh, for God's sake;

"If you have a suggestion of how we might improve our service, please, dial seven now;"

          I suggest that you answer the phone;

"If you would like our location and business hours, please, dial eight now;"

          Yes, I could have driven there and been back home, by now;

"If you wish to suspend or cancel your service, please, dial nine now;"

          Your running out of numbers, you know;

"All other callers, please, stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received;"

          Let me see, now, did any of those numbers apply to me;

 

BACH

 

"Thank you for your patience, while holding, one of our representatives will be with you, shortly"

          O'kay, I am putting down the phone and running to the toilet;

 

RACHMANINOFF

 

"To better serve you, please, select from the following menu options;"

          You got to be kidding me;

"If you would like to speak with a representative whom just starting working here today, please, dial one now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative whom has been here since we opened and still doesn't have a clue, please, dial two now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative that has such a heavy foreign accent that you can't understand them, please, dial three now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative that is a disgruntled employee, please, dial four now;"

"If you would like to speak to our janitor, please, dial five now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative who can not spell the name of our company, please, dial six now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative whom is not in and leave a message, please, dial seven now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative who used to work here and we forgot to turn their extension off, please, dial eight now;"

"If you would like to speak to the bum who came in to get warm, please, dial nine now;"

"All other callers, please, dial zero now and our operator will assist you;"

 

DIAL 0

 

          Alright, I think I might really be getting somewhere, now;

 

MOZART

 

"Customer Service; how may I assist you;"

          Customer Service?

          "I thought this was the operator's number; are you the

           operator?"

"No, Sir, this is Customer Service.  We do not have an operator, per se;"

          "You mean to tell me that I waited all this time and, finally,

          chose the operator and you don't have one;"

"Let me transfer you to the Complaint Department, sir;"

 

KENNY G?!

 

"You have reached the Complaint Department.  To better serve you, at the sound of the tone, please leave your name, telephone number, and the nature of your complaint; your call will be returned within three to five business days;"

 

TONE

 

          "At the sound of the tone, I hope your answering machine

          exploded;"

 

DIAL TONE

 

DIALING

 

          I can't wait to tell Mom about this;

 

RINGING

 

"You have reached your mother, at the sound of the tone. . .

 

DIAL TONE

 

Runner up

Aug 11, 2011

• Hilarious Poetry
• Answering Machine (At the Sound of the Tone)

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Written for my mother whom, recently, lost her job as an operator to an answering machine.

Reviews

[Dane Osborne]

I greatly enjoyed this Christina. It makes me think of how through the extension of technology we lose a part of our humanity. Ever read/heard of "The Idiot" By Dostoyevsky?, in it there is a scene where a character(Some guy with typical long hard to prounouce russian name) gives his interpretation of the apocalypse. He says that as society advances and becomes industrialized then we will all begin to lose touch with each other in ways because technology will do all the work humans once had to work together to do and as time went on we will be seperate and indifferent to each other. Looking at things today with that perspective it doesn't seem far from the truth. Kudos:)

[Edgar A Stonehill]

Good subject to write a poem about, there is a universality to this experience. Also, setting the composers apart from the dialogue was effective.

Great observation with the "dial" versus "push button". I used a rotary phone until about 15 years ago (those things were built to last). And I always had to teach my friends how to use it

[Coyote Poetry]

I don't like phones now. I want to communicate in person or talk to a real person. Not possible anymore. The story was very good. Made me smile this morning. Thank you.
Coyote

[hyancynthstofeedthysoul]

What gets me is "we appreciate your patience." I always tell the person who answers that I have lost my patience.

[deeps]

This is too funny, This is enjoyable, i like this alot.

[TTBoy28]

This was too damn funny! I can relate to this having worked in Operator Services. The use of the Classical Music only increases the piece's value in the classic sense.
When all else fails, dial "0" for the Operator who is no longer there.
Loved it!!!

[Gomer LePoet]

This is hilarious but unfortunately it is so true that it really isnt funny. I wnt thru one of these hassles when I tried to do a refi on my home. the lien holder had just sold my loan to another lien holder and the new lien holder who I had no previous contact with would not answer the dam phone so I could do a payoff. it took me 2 weeks to finally get this mess squared away.

[Wicahpi]

LoL this was so funny :)

I'm so sorry your mother lost her job to " technology ~ that makes our lives so much easier " uh huh

And (sorry if I offend anyone) I'd wish those that actually do answer 'after an hour of elevator music and commercials' would speak English! I hate having to ask for a repeat because I'm already frustrated from the wait.

or

you go through the whole freakin' process only to be disconnected!

[An owl on the moon]

There was so much honesty and humor in the write, and then I read your author's note. Feel so bad. I have been there and hope that all works out for the better. (Your writing here truly made for an interesting piece that so many can relate to!)

[A.Lee]

lol, this was funny but so true. I HATE automated answering machines! And they fight you tooth and freaking nail if you want to get to a an actual representative. On my cell phone, I have to actually call their number from a different phone because it completely refuses to put you through to a live person if you call from the call phone. Irritating! Live person operators are so much better.

[Susie Q]

As an ex telephone operator this certainly tells a story of what the future has brought for all of us to share. Not a good thing!