My Sun and Moon

My sun doesn't seem to rise anymore.

The moon has taken over more of my sun's light

I see the sun's of others and they are oh so bright

yet mine seems to refuse to ride her chariot. 

She used to help fill the lights of others

but now with no one here why does she bother?

It seems that she too had help filling her light.

The moon isn't as bad as others say,

While its darker and dreary and a bit depressing

It's peaceful.

The nothingness of the night sky puts me at ease

Living in the dark allows me to not get burnt

To not get hurt.

I secretly wait for my sun and her chariot

to pick me up in her warm embrace

and feel the light of other sun's as well.

While the moon isn't as bad as others say,

nothing can compare it to my suns day. 

Author's Note

Tell me your thoughts, any feedback is appreciated. I just started writing so thanks for any reviews.

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, you did ask, and as they say, be careful what you wish for. 🤪

The problem I see getting in the way is one you share with pretty much all hopeful writers: You learned to write. That may not seem to be a problem, but think about the KIND of training you were given. For more than a decade, you daily wrote mostly reports and essays. And the few pieces of fiction and poetry you were assigned were graded by a teacher with no real training on either. Were teachers trained in those writing skills, as the most knowledgeable and practiced writers, wouldn’t most poetry and stories be written by teachers? But it’s not.

In reality, your teachers were training you in the skills most employers need their workers to know. In writing, that’s reports, papers, and letters, ALL nonfiction applications where the narrator talks TO the reader, in a voice that’s inherently dispassionate. And because it's the only approach to writing we know, we try to use it when we turn to poetry and fiction.

Bottom line: It flat does not work. Readers turn to poetry and fiction to be entertained, not informed. They don’t want to hear about you and what matters to you, because they don’t either know or care about you…unless you give them reason to. They don’t want to learn that I cried at my father’s funeral. They want me to make THEM weep. Readers want interesting twists, language that makes them say, “I wish I thought of that,” and to feel empathy for the ones we speak of.

That takes an entirely different approach to writing—one that’s emotion-not fact-based.

The first step toward achieving that is to edit as a reader, who arrives with no context and no access to your intent. So the only meaning they can take is what the words suggest to them, based on their life-experience, not your intent.

In that mind-set, look at the opening, and react as the reader:

• My sun doesn't seem to rise anymore.

Obviously a metaphor, but unclear. It does make the reader want to know who this person is. So it’s not a bad opening line—if we learn who this person is. But if it's not a person...

• The moon has taken over more of my sun's light

Makes no sense. You didn’t say the sun lost brightness, you said it doesn’t rise. And no matter your intent for how to take the words, the moon produces no light, it only reflects, so it can’t steal only light that falls on it, and that would make the moon dim but not effect the sun.

Had you been editing as a reader you’d have noticed this. But because you have both context and intent driving your understanding, it works.

• I see the sun's of others and they are oh so bright

Okay, you just lost me. Apparently this isn’t about someone in their life, as it appeared to be. So, officially, at this point, I have no clue of what you’re talking about. You know. And when you read this piece, it works, because as you read, each word points to meaning, to images, to personal philosophy, and more, all secure and waiting to be called up from in memory.

But what of your reader? For them, each word points to meaning, to images, to personal philosophy, and more, all secure and waiting to be called up in *YOUR* memory. But without you there to clarify…

See the problem? It’s not a matter of talent, or how well you write. It’s that you’re trying to write poetry with tools that were designed to inform, not entice. And that’s fixable.

I applaud, and enthusiastically support a desire to write. So I’m trying to make your job easier, not discourage you. There’s a LOT to creating poetry that sings to the reader that’s not obvious. And it’s because we’ll not address a problem we don’t see as being one, that I wrote this.

And because you do enjoy writing, you’ll also enjoy learning the tricks that make it even more fun to write. So check into a few books on the subject. Mary Oliver wrote a great little book called, A Poetry Handbook. It might be out of print, but you can pick up a copy on Amazon for about $6, including shipping.

The Shmoop site is great for all kinds of students. When you get there, select Student. Then, use the small button to the left of the mid-page search window to select Poetry. Lots and lots of great poetry is deeply analyzed to show why and how it worked so well.

You might also check the excerpt, on Amazon, of one of my favorites, to Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. That should be required reading for all writers, for what he has to say about the flow of language.

So…this wasn't what you were hoping to see, but you did ask…

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Andrew John]

This talk of sun and moon this way is enchanting.

[JE Falcon]

In my opinion, and for a beginner, I felt that this was written well, meaning, written from the heart trumps any and all suggested ways of writing. Oh, there are those who copy and paste form letter blanket reviews and post them to writers. This can't be right because everyone is different, and all good writers develop their own style over time. If Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain, had listened to the so-called experts of his day, well, some of his best works would have never been widely accepted. Keep in mind, when someone tells you that a meaning that you have conveyed is wrong, then they are wrong. Why? Because they are telling you what THEY would have written, and if you follow what they want you to write, then you become them and have lost you. --- However, good grammar, and spelling, in the right places is always necessary, both of which I am lacking. So, my review is this, "This is a good start. Work at finding who you are and the voices you wish to be, then build on that." Best wishes.

[Unspoken poet]

This is such a wonderful write, ever so lovely, however i did it emotional in spots,
this is amazing, and I am sure Jay meant "The Road less traveled, not the Ode" Wonderful write though, i do agree with him on that.

[Lisasview]

I see a sad person in your poem..Reminds me of the way i sort of wrote when I was in my early 20's.. I never shared anything i wrote, so bravo for you sharing your thoughts. As you grow things change..
I read the long detailed review that Jay left..Fascinating and so kind of him to take the time to share his thoughts..
I am going to reread his review as I believe some of it pertains to all poets..
yes, keep writing.. and make sure to read and review other poets on this great site.. It is so wonderful what you can learn from just reading and reviewing.
I only started submitting my work after writing since 1960!!!
All my best,
Lisa

[cheyenne s garcia]

how beautiful this was to read. i thoroughly enjoyed this piece. well done.