journal chapter one

A Chapter by Christian Stout

this i s just my journal on what is going on wit me and questions that i might want answered.

Chapter one Tuesday May 18,2010

today is the day i start writing down the questions i never can remember or the thoughts i never want to forget. the only thing i ask for viewers is to comment and please don't judge or criticize me. i am going to be up front and honest with my feelings.

i think the first thing i need to makes sure everyone knows who i am. I am a teenager that ya has a lot of problems and i find my answers in writing. even if it doesn't make sense or doesn't mean anything it is my escape my recuse. i love to cook and i love music. i don'r have much experience in writing. i am a dude but i am completely strait. i currently can;t say that i have anyone that i can call mine which you will find out later why my heart can't be claimed anymore. it is at the end of my sophomore year in high school and i still don't know who i am. i don't know whether or not religion is real or if it is false. i use to be a profound Christian. now i don't know who i am. in the process of writing this i hope to find out who i really am. today at this point the questions i have is Is love real? is love just something that is inside my head? is life worth living without love? where can i find love? and finally what is love?

well i think it would be appropriate for people to know my background before i go any farther. For i think u need to understand the situations i am going through. first off i was adopted at birth. I was adopted by my grand parents which made my biological mom my sister instead. it also made my Aunts and uncles my brothers and sisters. that is how i know them as brother and sister and that is how i am going to refer to them by. i have one older brother and two older sisters. I have one little brother and one little sis. my whole family is different in all aspects. my family has a little of everything in it. from a gay Uncle to my Aunt slowly dieing from cancer. and a high Christian family to the atheist on the other side. we are German Scottish Irish and part Native American. I have dealt with two deaths my whole life. my mom says she wants the best for me but she doesn't show it. my dad is an ex marine and he yells a lot. i recently just got dumped back in September of 2009. i still have not gotten over her. we dated for 4 and a half years on and off again. I can honestly say i fell in love with her. a week after our break up she got a new boyfriend and she acts like a three year old every time i try to talk to her. i get called names like s**t head and dick head and plenty of others. i still try to make sure she is safe. once she told me that she wanted to get married. i said after high school. i don't know why i just don't give up on her. all the people around me say to move on an'd forget. but how can i forget 4 and a half years of my life? how can i forget how my heart feels? i am dealing with one of my older sisters being in a drug recovery program and i have constant thoughts of suicide. i know i have depression but no one is willing to have me tested. i have attempted to overdose on different drugs. well i need to go its like 3 am now. i will write later.