Our first kiss

Guess

Our First Kiss

At first I see what you see

I see you looking at me

then I see you moving towards me

I have dreamed for the day

when this event may be

but it happened to be in the middle of May

The soft lips that head my way

I never deamt I would feel this way

I have my hand on your waist 

I just hope to day isn't a waste

Then it happened, with such grace

with me and you face to face

then my heart began to race

when we stay face to face

I feel the lips on mine 

I used to want to die

now i want the wine

the wine that come from your lips as they touch mine

for my heart began to race

i want to stay face to face

for on this day I must say

this is the day of our first kiss   

Reviews

[Sasha]

I can appreciate the sentiment behind this poem. It's sweet and so on. My issue with it was that some lines felt very redundant and unnecessary.

"with me and you face to face
when we stay face to face"
I understand that you're saying your heart raced because you were standing close to each other, but it's repetitive and not in a good way.

The fifth stanza bothered me for much of the same reason. What flow you had was shattered in that last line of it, too.
The last stanza was just odd for me because you had this rhyme going and then gave it up right at the end.

I think you should decide on how you want your poem to be and then focus on what you're putting into it. If it's rhyming, stick to the rhyme. If it has a certain rhythm, don't throw it off wherever possible. It makes writing more difficult, but great poetry doesn't come easily.

[Christian Stout]

I would like reviews from those who read this please i want to know what i can improve on. thank you