breathing

Breathing in and out

and in and out

and I falter

Blackness floats

in my vision

around my eyes

becomes one

with my soul

the empty space

in which I hide

and wait

for tomorrow

Reviews

[zig]

well, i didnt lie the title, but thats neither here nor there, not sure why i bring it up, i hate most of my poem titles as well.

"Breathing in and out
and in and out and"

you might think about losing the last "and"

"I falter

Blackness floats

in my vision

around my eyes

becomes one with my soul

the empty space in which

I hide and wait

for tomorrow"

the rest of this is great, the feeling of an almost soothing limbo really comes thru, retreating from the moment... well expressed. you might consider expanding on "tomorrow", what does that really mean? tomorrow is just another moment, what makes that moment better than this moment? tomorrow, as a term, has become kind of a genaric metaphor for "hope", hope of what? the bulk of this poem has some great details, but then ends on a generic abstraction. can you see what i mean? of course its entirerly up to you whether or not you do something else with it. i hope you dont mind the critique, im a creative writing teather and its kind of a bad habit of mine. enjoyed the read my friend. look forward to more. zig

[Joshua Gerlach]

Christel, this was an EXCELLENT read!

[R J Askew]

Well, I liked the title. In fact it was the title that drew me to the poem as breathing fascinates. We are unaware of it most of the time, but it has so many aspects to it when we think about it. Hmm, it looks as if you have removed the hanging 'and'...I think I'd have left it...as it gave a hint of jaggedness which I like as breathing is supposed to be seamlessly smooth. Also it looks as if your original intention was for the hanging 'and' to signify the faltering. I repeat, I like the hanging 'and'. I like the way 'in my vision' sort of doubles up, ending one thought and beginning another. The hanging 'and' was another such moment, with the poem reading 'and I falter'. By taking out the 'and' ... 'I falter' does not run on quite so smoothly. 'And I falter' is much better. That 'and' was right, no question. The poem could be about someone who is totally exhausted after some manic event and is trying to calm down. They focus on the breathing to keep themselves sane almost...and the blanking out of everything else brings a temporary relief. Tomorrow cld actually be threatening as tomorrow it all has to be faced again. It does not have to be but it cld be.

[Michael X]

Breathing- this is a feature focused on life itself, the idea of living
and breathing, void without love, sustain, hoping for tommarow, such depth in wording
and the form is written in essence, heartbreakingly beautiful poem.

[Kevin]

Wow suddenly I'm a feeling tired.

Nicely done it evokes the feeling of the odd place between sleep and consciousness very well.

[Gandré]

Blackness floats

in my vision

around my eyes
-----------------------------------I liked those lines.. It is so wonderfully successful - your vision your seeing ....and the real blackness around our eyes, when we can't sleep for we think round and round ......looking for answers.......this is truly great way to say... makes this poem special ...so deep the empty space .. fantastic.. you have a great brevity in poetry, that's what I like when reading you..
_____
thank you dear for reading my Fragment #6.. your words are much appreciated, hope all is well.

[TL Boehm]

the oblivion of sleep....I used to dream but I never remember them now. This poem speaks to my soul - wonderfully done.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

So much beauty in so few words, there is always hope in tomorrow.

[Siobhan MacIntyre]

Beautiful. 'Nuff said.

[Donald Meikle]

Did you paint that? It is awesome!!