the real me

Desperate confusion seeps in

 

to the place where I hide

 

behind this facade

 

hoping and waiting

 

in doorways, cigarette billowing,

 

whirling away my memory in whiskey.

 

Look and see.....truly see

 

who I cannot be.

 

My lying smile and knowing eyes

 

betray the real me.

 

 

Author's Note

Second draft - 7th and 8th lines feel wrong to me.

Reviews

[Robert Luna]

Awha. We tend to hind the real us from the world for we fear they will not like what the see. So we wear mask to cover the horrrible sacrs and battle wounds life in a way to protect the world from the ugliness we feel that we are. I say to hell with that show the world allow them to marvel at the beauty of the tattered and torn parts of our souls and heart. Embrace the real us and know the wisdom learn through heartache and pain. Lessons of life that we each now know. I loved this as you can tell stoked something in me.


Great Job!!!!!!

[bluessadmood]

i see a lot of despair here and much running to places to hide,and keep waiting and waiting ,and dulling your senses in lots of liquir ,to still run away,and hide behind fake smile and masked looks ,you know dear if this was worked on so hard ,and much work ,it will give greatness and strength even more,you have told so many things here but as you said it needed some more work ,its still great,so much meaning behind each word,and so much anger and despair i could feel,very well done really really,moayad

[Tenten]

this hit me hard, i've wanted what you write so much and it blow away with the smoke, a gorgeous piece i'm adding it to my favs.

[Blackbirdsong]

I think this is perfect as it is, but I know the feeling of wanting to "fix" something. That was/is the case with the poem of mine that you just reviewed...I've been playing/killing that poem for a while and I think finally I'm ready to finally believe its finished. I think most of us know the feeling of having words and thoughts caught up inside of ourselves and just needing to write them down..this doesn't read like something quickly jumbled down though. Like I said, this feels perfect to me. The idea of betraying yourself with a look or a smile...that's a perfect description of that feeling and also a perfect little poetic tease...which is probably like that look or smile. :)

[Jason]

I have always felt that i get in the way of my own self. This was a great write about the reflection of ones onw hinderance.

[TL Boehm]

cigarette billowing,



whirling away my memory in whiskey.

that line - wow. that line blows me away. the whole poem is good but that one just jumps out at me.

[Emily B]

ohhhhh, I don't see anything that screams for change. I find that the older one of my pieces gets the more I see. You've created a certain mysterious tone. Daring the reader/the target to know you. I think Whitman had a great idea. As poets we should have a Song of Myself for every mood. This is a great one.

[Travis Lawrence]

Honest. It reminds me of a Bright Eyes lyric, "f--- my face, f--- my name, they are brief and false advertisments." Because it's your first draft and you think it needs work, here is an honest critique.

"Desperate confusion seeps in
to the place where I hide"
-- I would make the line break after seeps, and move in down a line. Also I think "where" could be removed.

"behind this facade hoping and
waiting for you to appear
in doorways, cigarette billowing,
whirling away my memory in whiskey."
-- Good stuff, though I think this would sound better:

"behind this facade of hope and
waiting for you to appear..."
-- It changes the meaning, but it sounds to me like the hope and the waiting are in vain, a facade of sorts.

"Look & see.....really see
who I don't want you to see -"
-- I would put Look & See by itself. I'm not a big fan of the long ellipses as pauses

"my lying smile & knowing eyes
betray the real me."
-- But who exactly is the real you? I think that element may be missing, but maybe the intent is to leave the reader vague. Whatever you want to go with.

Nice write, and have a nice day!

-Travis

[AK]

"my lying smile & knowing eyes betray the real me"
That pretty much sums it up for a lot of us I guess. I don't know of anyone who truly knows "me". On the other hand, I don't want anyone to know too much. Kinda weird I guess...
Nicely done!

[Jinx]

I like this one. It's beautiful for a first draft. Hopefully, you haven't edited it yet. =) Personally, I like it just the way it is, but that's me. Nice work.

[Jesse F Hayes]

Very poignant. I can see where some rearranging and restructuring might lend itself. It'll make the impact of the poetry hit harder. As it is now, though - great potential. Loved it!